And now the REAL last minute costume suggestions...

2004's Scariest Halloween Costumes (theStranger.com) (link comes courtesy of gawker.com and Choire "Halloween Hooker" Sicha)

I thought this page was going to be corny until I saw the Nancy Reagan costume... that's where the list becomes comedy gold. Also, can you beat the fact that they had all little kids pose with these costumes? I think the boy in "The Littlest Prisoner" probaby had the time of his life posing for something that he did not understand in the least bit, which makes it all the more cruel and abusive - and makes me laugh even louder.

Cute Ukranian-American Video Jockeys rock my world

A Scrappy Underdog Challenges MTV

Linked only for the picture of Marianela and "the tougher, abundantly pierced Juliya." I wish Juliya came on a little paper stick... so I could lick her.

(ewww, that even grossed me out... but anyway, yea she's a hottie)
(wouldn't kick Marianela out of bed, either)

The article is trash. How can you analyze something so deeply when it's so shallow to begin with? A profile of Fuse for the NYTimes is, I can assure you, a terribly unfit idea. But I guess it's a slow news day. (and it is indeed)

Last Minute Disaster

Last Minute No-Fail Costumes

Here they take a great idea for a service piece and turn it into the worst article I've ever read. Not only are all of those ideas hideous and demeaning, but I've seen losers try every single one of them in past years.

Well, except the Heisman one, that looks kinda cool...

Still, it looks like I'll be avoiding that book at all costs.

Beauty and the beast...

So Ashlee Simpson can't sing, but at least she's not all fucked up, says uber-showbiz-dad Joe Simpson. And you know what? He's got a point. (although it's only a matter of time...)

And, for your viewing pleasure, Peter O'Toole spewing racial slurs against Germans. Way to burn bridges there, Pete.

Life is Unfair

Just in case you needed a reminder that life is full of petty and heartless people:

Principal Bans Cakes, Cupcakes

Student Barred From Distributing Fliers

Conscientious Cop Punished Anyway

October 29, 2004

Happy birthday to everyone's favorite super-cute shoplifter quirky actress:

Cool! We get to see her cry!

Drudge sez:

'60 MINUTES' CAMERAS CAPTURED ASHLEE SIMPSON INCIDENT FROM BACKSTAGE AT 'SNL'
Thu Oct 28 2004 15:43:44 ET

When Ashlee Simpson ran off the "Saturday Night Live" stage last week after her lip-sinc flap, 60 MINUTES cameras were there to record her embarrassing exit and the reaction from show creator Lorne Michaels and other shocked staff members of the show. The exclusive behind-the-scenes footage of the incident will be part of a Lesley Stahl report about the making of the venerable comedy program to be broadcast on 60 MINUTES Sunday, Oct. 31 (7:00-8:00 PM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network.

Stahl and her cameras were also present for the dress rehearsal of Simpson's performance when she also ran off stage because her voice failed her, necessitating the now notorious live lip-sinc performance that backfired.

60 MINUTES was at the show last Saturday night because Stahl had been shooting footage and interviews all week for a report on how the show is put together. Viewers this Sunday will learn and see how the show is conceived, written and produced each week.

Developing...

I'm definitely watching "60 Minutes" this week.

(... ummm, that's something I never thought I'd ever say in my lifetime)

"Rooney! Pardon my French, but you're an asshole!"

"Ferris" Star Facing New Allegations (E! Online - Yahoo)

And you have to love that autopsy... err, I mean, publicity photo they included right next to it.

Democracy Sucks: "They fell off the back of the truck"

Hundreds in Florida say they're missing ballots (more like thousands)

Well, now, what exactly can you do with these votes that won't look suspicious? I'm sure Karl Rove has some super-evil plan, but still, it's almost useless to even try. Which brings to mind the following misquoted conversation:

Shane: "You stole stuff? Like jewels?"
Rusty: "Florida absentee ballots".
Shane: "Is there a lot of money in that? Florida absentee ..."
Danny Ocean: "Ballots. There's some."
Rusty: "Don't let him fool you, there's boatloads. If you can move them. But you can't."

Chicago Tribune's salute to the almighty "See You Next Tuesday!"

Chicago Tribune Tries to Stop
Publication of Feature Story (wsj.com)

Oh oh! I know exactly now what I want for Christmas! I want this article in a nice lacquer frame on my wall! Woo hoo! Find it on eBay for me, please!

Do you know how much I admire this term? One word, so much power. It stops any polite conversation dead in its tracks. Every woman has one; nearly just as many women ARE one! (Even Tina Brown agrees!) If you're firing up the hate mail right now, don't bother because I'm speaking in jest. But I just proved my point; call any woman a c_nt and you've just become her worst enemy. Hence why I save it in my special bag of tricks; useful for supreme vengeance and utterly crass jokes, two of my favorite hobbies.

Democracy Sucks: Because the Detroit Lions are not a good statistical correlator; they always lose

Redskins May Predict Presidential Winner (AP - Yahoo)

This indicates one of two things to the general public:

A. Don't vote. It'll have all been decided already by Sunday.

B. Modern journalism is going to fucking hell.

(or C. All of the above!)

Curses!

Caption: Moe, Larry, and Curly celebrate the first World Series title in 86 years for the Boston Red Sox. Shemp unavailable for comment.

October 28, 2004

On this day in 1965, Pope Paul VI issued a decree absolving Jews of collective guilt for the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. (NY Times)

Yeah, but that didn't solve any of their anxiety issues, now, did it?

Breakin 2: White Boy Boogaloo

Team Party Crash: 'Bright Lights, Big City' Anniversary

This is fun only because of this:


That guy on the right is the only thing holding up Lloyd Grove's job.

That, and the fact that every other person in all of the photos is a cocaine addict, publicly.

Michael Powell gets OWNED; Artie Lange farts and is self-delighted

Howard calls out FCC boss

Since we're having a special racism theme here today, I'll recall something I read once about Michael Powell that ranks in the "Comments Actually Worse Than Their Offending Parts Hall Of Fame". Harry Belafonte, of all people - "Max, can you earmuff for me?" Yeah, look away, kids - once in an interview called him a "house ni**er", using the nasty and completely unacceptable, Paris Hilton-approved racial slur referring to black people - and then explained that term as being used to describe the slave that kissed the white master's ass so much that they were asked to live in the master's house instead of the slave shack somewhere else on the property. It was implying that Lil' Powell (Big Powell being Joint Chiefs / Sec. of State nonwithstanding) had sucked up so much to the Republican right that he was asked to "move into his master's house" with the Bush administration with an appointment as FCC Chairman. It was a cutting remark where the true meaning was actually more insulting than the 100%-taboo word used in the phrase. I didn't think that was possible with the n-word. Bravo, calypso man. Bravo.

I believe it was Tom Wolfe who suggested that there was no art finer than a well-placed and well-crafted insult. It applies here. That belongs in the damn Met if you ask me.

From the beautiful Garden State

Attacks Fly in N.J. County Sheriff Race

Ahhh, home sweet home. Nothing like another nasty, completely unprofessional sherriff's contest in Bergen County. I've had direct involvement with some former participants of this never-ending saga of trashy local politics. It's not pretty. Then again, no one in Jersey is.

Keep in mind: whoever wins this election will likely be the top guy responsible for dealing with future marijuana and motor vehicle violations by Kimora Lee Simmons, so there is some urgency to this matter! We should have a serious politician in that post! Imagine Eliot Spitzer running for Bergen County Sherriff? Imagine that his first mandate is to completely invade Lil' Kim's place in Teaneck and execute a "no tolerance policy" toward the entire range of contraband shit she's hiding in the basement? (Biggie's gun collection from his living will and testament - that's gotta be a huge fuckin basement) That would be fun.

If you need this, you're a fucking loser

But just as a public service:

http://www.personalstrainer.com/

I'm kinda poor right now, but I'm considering pan-handling for the $40 complete tune up service. Or maybe I can sell candy bars on the subway "for the basketball team." Yeah. Cause I'm convincing as an urban disadvantaged youth.

October 27, 2004

Today is the 100th anniversary of the opening of the New York City subway system. John Rocker unavailable for comment, too busy mouthing off about 'coons somewhere in the South.

(Raccoons! It's raccoons, dammit. You're a damn racist if you thought otherwise)

Also, DuPont made some announcement about the name nylon on this day in 1938, according to the New York Times. Its tensile strength keeps my prostitutes from moving their arms while I drip hot wax on... oh, I'm sorry, I almost went off on an inappropriate tangent there! My bad!

New York Post Dating: Lost in the Friend Zone

Looks like Dandy David chose Marvelous Milda, but they'll be just friends for now. Seriously, like, what's the deal with these couples? No one wants to have sex anymore? I mean, really. Now I'm starting to think that New York is turning asexual. Is it the smoking ban? I'll heartily vote to bring back smoking in bars and restaurants, as obnoxious as it is, if it means we get a little bit of the kink back in this grand old city!

This week's romance victim is Zoe, who is titled as a "Meat Eater" from the start. Whoa, why have a choice of only 3 guys when you can have the whole city clamoring after you for some good head? Zoe is obviously a party animal, probably a whore, definitely a lush. I mean, who sneaks a 12-pack into a movie? Yikes! Lay off the booze, there, Zoe. And not just for your liver... she kinda looks like she's sucking it in for her picture.

Our lucky contestants:

Lev looks pretty non-compatible with Zoe. And boring, too! Zoe would be his better half, he'd be huffing and puffing to catch up.

George is a big slab of alcohol-soaked beef. He's trying too hard to be effeminate, though. Maybe because he's a pig and he's trying his best to disguise it. Oooh, that would be good. More of the same for Zoe! He'll be pissing on the steps of her building before they go in the house and fuck like crazy! And he won't call her back either! HAHAHAHA!

Josh is a dork. Or at least his profile is destined to make him appear that way. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that there's something - anything - about him that would qualify as a redeeming aspect and an interesting trait. I just don't know exactly what that is, yet.

Well, I'm typically an evil fucker, and this week I'm no different, so I voted for George. And, of course, George is KILLIN 'EM in the voting. Hah! Mark down one more week of romantic disaster for the Post!

Too cute

Homestar vs. Little Girl Part 2

Sorry, I don't normally fall for stuff like this, but I couldn't resist.
I'm a sap. Really.

John McCain is a God

ONCE ENOUGH (Page Six, NYPost)

Regarding being a VP contender"

"As a POW in Vietnam, I was kept in the dark and fed scraps. Why would I want to do that again?"

*giggle*

Hawt!

Linda Stasi reviews "Drawn Together", some reality show parody on cable tv. I don't know any more than that...

well...

I did get this month's Maxim, and it has a steamy photo inside of two of the toons going in together for a lesbian kiss while one is chained up. Literally, my head almost exploded when I saw it.

But that's just me, I'm a sick fuck.

Who's side are you on, anyway?

Ahhh, shit. More New York Times cheering for the Red Sox. Aaack. Seriously, we know you own part of the team. STOP ROOTING FOR THEM! CONFLICT OF INTEREST! NEVER MENTION THEM AGAIN!

I love the part where he says: "our daughter would still in be an orphanage in Kazakhstan." What a tool. Nice job bragging about your feel-good adoption story. You must be a saint. I forget which comedian said something along the lines of "You think you're such a saint? Adopt a black kid! THENNNNN we'll talk about how great you are!" Yeah, that totally applies. Last time I checked, there's wasn't much wrong with growing up in Kazakhstan. I bet your other daughter is a Turkish orphan, so you're definitely a really socially conscious guy! I bet you recycle too!

Slam-a-lam-a-ding-dong!

I'm sorry if this isn't funny to any of you out there, but this cracks me up too much. Favorite quote:

Players have asked that he use the call, but Buck said he told them that the only way he would comply is if "I wake up one day, with all my pride gone."

Get Your Sex On, Lurch Style

Okay, we know Rupert Murdoch is reaching now in his attempts to blaspheme Kerry, but I guess it's amusing when you see gossip stories like this one.

It's like, not even scandalous until the bottom - when someone goes down on Ted Kennedy in the middle of a restaurant! Eeeeek! You mean you can find his penis between the rolls of fat while he's sitting?

(I'm going to throw up now)

Anyway, I might vote for Kerry now. Nothing like going back to the Bill Clinton days where heads of state used fat cigars to stimulate fat interns. Ahh, the good old days.

(Seriously: we haven't had a good president in this country for over 40 years now. Please bring back the king. This democracy thing don't work anymore)

"It's not the same old animation - it's animation with a new twist!"

A Face That Launched a Thousand Chips

Uhh, someone tell me exactly HOW this is supposed to be groundbreaking; the author kinda failed to convince us of that in the middle of this BLATANT MOVIE ADVERTISEMENT.

October 26, 2004

Work was busy yesterday, so I completely neglected my duty to post. Sorry!

Hillary Rodham Clinton turns 57 years old today. Photo via AP, info via New York Times:

(congratulations, battleaxe!)

So much for a lot of updates today

Dead news day. Sorry.

Well, maybe this is interesting. Is Richard Branson doing us all a service by sending these people into outer space? Sure, as long as the flight doesn't come back! Hee hee.

(Not that I would imply that they'd die up there... rather, just send these weird people to the Moon. Let's start a colony full of strange people on the Moon. Wealthy artists, actors, writers, and generally rich kooks. We'll let them copulate and reproduce up there, and in two generations we'll rename the Moon "The West Village".)

Gossip Snoozefest

Natalie Portman holds the only show in gossip town today, as really nothing else is too interesting or readable. This is a reason to live out the next few months, really. Bring your hot popcorn and libido, young lonely men!

On the Daily News front, Rush & Molloy have an extended item on the ever salacious Jack Nicholson, but does this really surprise anyone? Page Six reports a biz battle between Dash and HoVa, but does that really pique anyone's interest?

Sports Friday: The only post I'll do about sports today. Promise.

But get ready for it. It's big.

The New York Times (free registration required, naturally) explores the black hole in the ground that is what has become of the Yankees' season and swagger. Also, Joe Torre asserts his decision making. Michiko Kakutani says brilliantly:

"The Yankees' monumental collapse in the face of a Sox team that seemed to rise from the dead went beyond most fans' worst-case scenarios, and it came as the culmination of a week of interminable playoff games that had already left New Yorkers exhausted and drained. It felt like a harbinger of a long winter of discontent, and perhaps a much longer sojourn in the wilderness - a prospect made all the worse by the sense that the world was somehow, bizarrely, disconcertingly, out of joint"

amNewYork - a free daily whose web site I'm not going spelunking to find the link for - ignores sports entirely and leaves it to Clubplanet.com to say the classic: "There's no joy in Mudville". Maybe they're still a little stunned over there.

The Post reports on the death of a Red Sox fan, noting, "The horrific fatality capped a night of mayhem by Boston fans for which cops were completely unprepared." Yeah, I don't think anyone was prepared for what happened. I guess the cops were expecting an early night in bed for everyone in Boston - much as what happened here in NY instead.

The capper: Mike Lupica in the Daily News:

The Yankees just crumble in the big moments now. They couldn't put the Diamondbacks away, couldn't put the Angels away in the first round in 2002, couldn't beat the Florida Marlins in the World Series last year. They are the champions of money now. That is all.

You know, not that I enjoy that sentiment, but it's completely fucking true. It's mainly Steinbrenner's fault. On Bill Simmons' site, he posted a mailbag with the following quote: "True Yankee fans don't love the Giambi Yankees. The 2002-2004 Yankees are Steinbrenner's mess. But we still live and die with every pitch just as you do." I wrote myself the following to Simmons yesterday:

We performed admirably. Only the last game was a blowout, and that came down to about 6 overpaid players who memorably and noticably gagged - Sheffield, A-Rod, Brown, Vazquez, Loaiza, and, not to be granted any clemency, Giambi. If any of those guys came through, it would have been a close game if not a win. The reason why we lost our swagger is because we saw this coming in April. Hell, in Giambi's case, we've been watching his wheels come off for 3 years now.

Isn't it enough that we had a gun to our heads, Steinbrenner's finger on the trigger, being screamed at angrily to win the World Series or else…

Time to move on... as Adrian Wojnarowski insists...

The New York Giants face the Detroit Lions this weekend. A reminder to Warner & crew: Great teams don't go into games thinking it's going to be easy against a weak team, because that's how you end up facing a long day vs. a weak team.

And in a battle of the unbeatens, the Jets face the Patriots. Is this one kinda close to call? The Pats are favored by a touchdown as of Friday morning. That's on home field. I don't think the Jets can pull this one off, but I'm not writing them off completely either.

Now, back to snark.

October 22, 2004

From The New York Times:

On Oct. 22, 1962, President Kennedy announced an air and naval blockade of Cuba, following the discovery of Soviet missile bases on the island.

And yesterday:

Castro, 78, stumbled on a step and fell on his left knee on Wednesday night as he returned to his seat after a graduation ceremony speech at the mausoleum holding the remains of fellow revolutionary Che Guevara at Santa Clara in central Cuba.

Remember the commercial, "I've fallen! And I can't get up!" "We're sending help immediately, Mrs. Fletcher." Yeah! Castro, you old fart! You're going down! I'm putting you in my death pool, bee-yatch!

Expect a flood of posts today. Back with a vengeance. And I've got my edge back.

If buying a cup of coffee brings feelings of mental imbalance, you probably shouldn't drink coffee

http://humanwrites.blogspot.com/2004/10/better-latte-than-never.html

A new favorite blog. A good laugh on an otherwise dreary day.

SLNY came out with another bizarre edition today as well, par for the course for them/him/whoever; I'm mildly comforted by the showing of solidarity for all of the catatonic New York fans out there wondering how to piece their lives back together today.

Outta here ppl. Taking things one day at a time. Eventually it'll be spring training all over again.

October 21, 2004

... ...

(I'm taking the entire day off from reading the news because of all of the assholes that will be whooping it up about last night's game, therefore I may not have much to say)

And yeah, that bowtie is pretty dorky

Five days later, we're still talking about Jon Stewart ripping the Crossfire hosts a couple of new assholes.

Hey, I approve! It was completely hilarious. He called Carlson a dick on live TV. And he is a dick. I live for moments like those.

However, no matter how fascinated people are by the stand that Stewart took during his appearance, we should remember that politics suck and that will never change. Jon Stewart's pomposity will only serve to sell more of his books and get higher ratings on his TV show. And we'll all think that we're one step closer to utopia, when we're just one foot deeper in the grave and a few bucks poorer on account of our new books and cable TV subcriptions. A job well done on his part. I wish I was that smart and effective.

Food for Thought: Bruni rails against conformity, much like a Goth teenager

Frank Bruni of the New York Times gave Cru three stars today (a nice return on investment for the owners lies ahead), but what's more significant is this article where he collectively spanks all the new Asian themed restaurants that are as authentically Asian as General Tso's Chicken and fortune cookies. He laments of me-too-ism and fish served raw. He even takes a similar, brief potshot in the review of Cru.

I totally agree with him. Trendy restaurants suck ass. I have no pity for any of those assholes perpetually waiting in line for a table at Spice Market as if it were a new ride at a Disney theme park. Which, if you look at the Meatpacking District nowadays, is not too far from the truth.

Props to Homer, where you can get a bowl of soup and half a sandwich for 4 bucks. They serve beer too. Amsterdam Ave, I believe just south of 84th St. There's my food review.

Site of the day: Gothamist.com

Wait... "dude, weren't you just ragging on them for the past two days?" Well, not as viciously as I could have. Here at the Lectern, we only roast the ones we love. So what, I have a terribly nagging issue about one of their attitude trends over there... I do actually like the site.

I was going to search for a post today that I enjoyed, and they served one for me on a silver platter: Ask Gothamist: Tunnel of Love.

This is a quintessential New York question along the lines of, "Where's the open bar tonight?" (they covered that too) and, "What's the best way to get to JFK during rush hour?" It's covered quite nicely, too.

Mmmm, it's a better day just for that.

"He doesn't remember the little people" *giggle*

BOLDFACE NAMES: And, No Doubt, Chris Will Be There, Too

That's completely awesome. Chris Noth doesn't remember his director from a movie from more than 15 years ago, and the guy (and his daughter!) talk shit right in front of his face. I love it.

The tape contains Ricky Martin. There's no right answer.

John Stossel is out to try to prove the existence of "gaydar". Yeah Stossel, mine went off like a carnival game when you walked in the room.

But people don't really need "gaydar" anyway. Homosexuals make themselves obvious. Have you ever been to a parade in the Village? Holy shit. I think you know 90% of the time without having to think about it. (The other 10% of the time, you're hoping he cuddles when he's fin... no, wait, I didn't just say that. Ewww).

Playing Hardball (errr, well something's hard, anyway)

FANS USE LOVE TO GET IN THE GAME

So, fellas, if you do get that special Casual Encounter hookup, do not be surprised to run into a guy named Dan Kadison instead of a chick.

Seriously, though, I like this. Shows that NYC men are as crafty as the women.

Another reason to root for the Yanks, too. Because if the Red Sox do go to the Series, it'll be all those miserable people up in New England that'll be fucking. I can hear it already: "HARDAH! HARDAH! HARDAH! THAT'S WICKED GOOD BABE! HARDAH!"

October 20, 2004

Happy Birthday to Calvin Broadus.

Aka Snizzle to the Dizzle Dizzle

Gothamist Sells Out

Errr, I mean, Gothamist: Sell Outs. Ooops, my bad!

Seriously, look at this post. I'll be nice and say that it was all bad writing and a good idea executed poorly.

Still, as much as the second paragraph is silly, the third comes out of nowhere, and the end part is just bizarre, I'll just note the one thing that bugs me the most: You just dropped a list of a bunch of bands and places to buy tickets, yet I have no idea what any of these bands sound like nor what the venues are like. It's just sort of "Buy tickets! Hurry! Hurry!".

How can you post a link to rush-buy tickets for a band you can't say anything about? What's truly odd is that, while I'd love to ignorantly accuse them of name-dropping bands without knowing anything about them (fits with my argument from yesterday), I'm pretty sure they've done some reviews/articles of some of these bands through their "Sets and the City" feature or some other way. So why didn't they back-link? They ALWAYS back-link! Every story has a link to something else Gothamist wrote. (They even did it in the very first sentence) In the one place it'd be useful, they forget. Bah!

Well, at least in the music industry, you can act like a music know-it-all snob and be right in line with the same shit everyone else writes or says. Here's to presumptuous band geeks everywhere!

News Summaries - Ewww and double Ewwwwwww

Bill O'Reilly continues to be in the news... or rather, Savannah Samson is. Apparently her publicist had the bright idea to call every gossip column in town and get her name out there to talk about Grandpa Perv and his lecherous line libido linguistics. I'm not linking to any columns about this. I'm boycotting the topic. I'm trying to send a message, in advance, that this needs to be settled out of court quickly and forgotten immediately. Honestly, I don't want to hear another fucking word about this ever again. I'm completely grossed out.

Oh, wait, no, NOW I'm completely grossed out.

And I can't believe this is still going on. *puke*

And to top it off, Star Jones is becoming more miserly and obnoxious by the minute. I seriously do not know how this is allowed to go on. She's not a celebrity! No one really likes her! What's it take to have someone go up to her and read her the riot act about being a people-user and a rude cow? Maybe one of those bear-attack suits; perhaps people are afraid she'll just eat them in one bite if they stand up to her.

Tracy Morgan Death Watch

Page Six and Rush & Molloy confirm our worst fears: Brian Fellow has completely gone off the deep end.

October 19, 2004

NYTimes:
"On Oct. 19, 1987, the stock market crashed as the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged 508 points, or 22.6 percent in value - its biggest-ever percentage drop."

Yeah, way to shit the bed there, financial industry.

And, in an anti-segue, Happy birthday to Chris Kattan:

Because blog self-love doesn't appeal to me...

Let's push over a sacred cow today.

gothamist.com

I really do like this site, they have much to offer. The interviews are particularly excellent, as long as you don't count any of the interviews since Krucoff left.

But I do have a criticism. It burns inside of me.

Look at today's post regarding the 2005 Zagat's Guide. The first paragraph is as follows:

The 2005 edition of the Zagat New York City Restaurant Guide is out today, and no, per se didn't blow everyone else out of the water -- at least not yet. Although it earned 29 out of 30 points in all three categories -- food, decor, and service -- it was too new to qualify for this year's guide.

I completely despise it when they start off any conversation about culture, art, media, or anything as if the entire audience were advanced experts on the topic - especially things that involve spending lots of money. When you tell me - someone who reads a lot about restaurants - about the new Zagat's guide, my first question would logically be, "What are the highlights?" They assume your first question is, "Oh, so how did they address [insert-new-and-trendy here]?" This is half-name-dropping, half-know-it-all-attitude. They do this so often. Way too often. It got worse as they divided up people into topics, as they now all parrot that style for so many different things and write as "Gothamist". They frequently offend with restaurants, art, and music - and sometimes with celebrities and blog culture, too.

Wanna know a little secret? If you write for Gothamist, you likely can't afford Per Se - not to eat there enough to form a reliable opinion. And you probably can't get a reservation at all, either. (Cue the Patrick Bateman deep psychotic rage - I despise my own mortality as measured by my ability to gain admission to and afford obscenely expensive restaurants)

I've said previously - not here, so don't look for it - that their knowledge and curiosity about these topics is impressive and admirable, but it does them a great disservice to pretend to be high-perched and ostentatious. They fly over their audience unapologetically. They lose credibility in the process. They're like the archetypal cocktail party know-it-all. Not too unlike the fashion section of Maxim - how the fuck do you post "How to get women at a cowboy bar" in the FOB and then recommend $2,000 suits and $200 ties in the BOB? Note that Gothamist doesn't have pictures of scantily clad women to make up for their failings, so it's really an apples to oranges comparison.

Do I do this? Yes, but it's all tongue-and-cheek. You'll know when I'm personally familiar with someone in a news story that I reference, but until that time, I think it's clear that I'm just a guy who reads the papers and surfs the web. I know as much as Page Six told me. I just have a pretty good memory. I am not a socialite, celebrity, or insider. I only laugh at them on the web.

It's likely that Jen will throw a drink in my face at the next bloggers' event for saying all of this. :(

News Roundup - Beaten To The Punch

I concentrated my efforts on Donald Trump and his bad hair today; as a result, Gawker pretty much posted every gossip item I would have snarked about. My bad.

Okay, well there is one thing:

Lloyd Grove quotes Howard Rubenstein (uber-PR-rep) as saying, "What is Bungalow 8?" Seriously, you can fuck me, but don't lie to me, Howard.

For our comically deprived readers: The Friar's Club Roast of Donald Trump

As a service, here is a compilation of as many printed quotes from various news outlets as I can scrounge off of Google News from Friday night's Friar's Club Roast of Donald Trump. This is as close as we'll get to a transcript, at least for now. I would prefer to see the entire thing unedited someday; there's something about Jeffrey Ross doing a roast that makes me suffer aneurysms and gasp for air. I heard, however, that Susie Essman KILLED and that most of her jokes were not fit for print. I'm practically hard. So, without further blabber:

Rich Vos:

"The reason Trump puts his name on all his buildings is so that the banks know which ones to take back."

Susie Essman:

(regarding Melania Knauss) "You know what she sees in you? A billion dollars and high cholesterol."
(She said she and Trump did not hit it off right away when they met) "I wasn't your type. I'm smart, my tits are real and I speak English."
"Did you enjoy your lunch? I heard your hair ordered the salmon."

Lisa Lampanelli:

"He seems very happy with his beautiful fiancée, Insert Name Here."

Regis Philbin:

"If you want a piece of Trump, you'll have to go through me."
"These people are trained professional killers. They want to say things in public to you that they've been saying behind your back for years."
(also mentioned:) "that goddamn hair we're all sick of."
(After Rich Vos' act:) "That was Rich Vos, and that might be his last public appearance."

Stewie Stone:

"When I was in Italy, I met the pope and the first thing he asks me is, 'How is Donald Trump?'. I go, how does the pope know Donald Trump? He says, 'His name comes up a lot in confessions.'"
"This is more fun than having your ass kissed all day, huh, Donald?"
"You realize that if your father wasn't born first, you'd be a fucking waiter at this event?"
"I read your book. It only goes up to Chapter 11."
(To Victoria Gotti:) "Jewish parents put money away for college. You put money away for bail."

Al Sharpton:

(referring to a discussion with Trump about the firings of African-Americans on "The Apprentice") "He said to me, 'Why should whites be the only people who deal with me and walk away with nothing?'"

Richard Belzer:

(upon quoting Trump from "The Art of the Deal": "Money is just a way to keep score ... the real excitement is playing the game.") "Really? I thought the real excitement for you was in evicting orphans groups."
(also called him a:) "grifter wrapped in a fraud perpetrated on society"

Jeff Zucker (NBC head honcho):

alluding to his network's faltering ratings this season; saluted Trump and his show as "the only thing that stands between NBC and a total collapse."
"The Apprentice was actually the second show that Donald pitched to us. The first was called, Extreme Hair Combover."
"Donald has his dating down pat. There's the picking of the ring, the meeting of the parents, the meeting of the grandparents and then the realisation that he went to high school with the grandparents."
"Donald, I got the invitation for the wedding, but I can't make it. But I'll catch the next one."
(Also regarding the wedding: he continued, saying that the wedding would be great, with a cigar room for Mr. Trump's friends and:) "for Melania and her friends, a bouncy castle."
"A lot of people come up to me and say, 'You're a lot like Donald Trump: you're powerful, you're rich, and you're bald.'"

Freddie Roman:

(re: Katie Couric) "Katie's been dating one of the owners of the Boston Red Sox. That means she hasn't gone all the way since 1918."
(re: Victoria Gotti - referring to the fact that the newly minted A&E TV star would soon, like Oprah, be giving away free cars on an upcoming episode of her show) "And all come with bodies in the trunk."

Jeffrey Ross:

(referring to the Hair Club for Men pitchman) "Sy Sperling called. He said, 'You're the new president.'"
(at one point suggesting that swimsuit model Cheryl Tiegs may have an upcoming:) "new spread in AARP magazine."

Unattributed:

• "God owns more real estate, but Donald has a bigger ego."
• "Donald doesn't have any skeletons in his closet. They sit on both sides of him in the boardroom of The Apprentice."
• "He asked his fiancée if she'd love him if he were poor, and she asked him if he would love her if she were ugly. They laughed and laughed."
• "They asked Rodney (Dangerfield) to do this roast, but he said: 'I'd rather be dead.'"

October 17, 2004

I'm in such a bad mood today. Really. I'll take it out on you.

Happy birthday to Erin Moran, aka Joanie Cunningham!



But what's Joanie without Chachi? I've searched very hard for this. I hope it repulses you.

NY Post Dating: Discreet or merely dull?

Last week's daters are going to be "just friends." Or are they? I read it twice. I don't believe it. Something is not right. They're very vague about how things went, and very unspecific about why things went good yet there's no romantic future. Plus, 2 1/2 hearts is a rating for a friendship? Puh-leeze. They fucked! Wouldn't it makes sense that, instead of just going to the cab and going seperate ways, she went over his place and they left sweaty handprints on the bedpost? I think it's a cover-up. They went at it like a couple of starved rabbits. That's what I think. Oh, and Raf won the voting at 50%. The Post should do Ilisa a favor and let her have his number too. Anyway...

This week's desperate dude is David. This time, they've put the archetypal Mr. Nice Guy up on the block. Are we sure he doesn't murder cats in his spare time? He's too well-molded to be a realistic candidate for a date - especially with the Post. Again, though, I'll give the benefit of the doubt.

Of course, the Post is all about irony and teeth-gnashing, so who are our lovely ladies to select from? A real-estate agent, a fashion designer, and... another fashion designer! Yes, David is supposedly a fashion designer himself (now that I think about it, I wouldn't rule him out as being gay quite yet), so the Post thought it would be good to double-dip into the same industry. Morons! Are we trying to send this guy to hell or something? Ladies in the fashion industry are often snobs - you can write me a billion e-mails telling me that I'm a fucking pig; oink oink baby and you know I'm definitely correct on this one - and real-estate agents are often sharky. Unless we have an indication that these are atypical girls in their respective industries, I predict an awful blind date.

So, let's see what these girls have to offer:

Stefani (real-estate) is also writing a screenplay, taking photos, and travelling "a lot." She's a self-described "sparkplug." She's looking for "who doesn't talk about themselves or their job." Eeek! "And a strong physical attraction, of course!" Eeeeeeeeeek! She's looking for, "Somebody who listens to the same music as I do." (losing consciousness now... must... breathe... deeply... okay better) She resembles, "A fox, because I am foxy." AAACK! But I saved the best for last, her dating history: "It's slim pickings out there. There are not many guys worth the limited amount of spare time I have." David: RUNNNNNNNN! Self obsessed and not open to other people's views! You'll either get whipped or face a nasty rejection! You deserve better!

Linda (fashion) does a lot of fucking shit when she's not working! Linda, are you only part-time fashion? She says she's "feisty" but adds, "It takes a lot to get me cranked." (??? contradictory) She seems to want a decisive and confident man, which makes me think she's a confident and decisive woman - she's earning major points right now. Her turn ons: "Assertiveness, confidence, flirting, skinny-dipping, thunderstorms, erotica and candlelight." So, a repeat of what we know, plus she likes to play a game of "Find the anal beads" every once in a while. Other than a hint that she's a beach-head, nothing here indicates that she's a dumb snotty broad. So, not a bad choice for a blind date (I mean, what else do you want to know about them before you date them? What color are their socks?)

Milda (fashion) goes upstate for wine tastings, which at 27 years old is a bad sign. She says about herself, "I am tall, blond, slender and have killer fashion sense!" (So, like, totally, those are, like, redeeming qualities!) Her dating history and her search criteria don't raise any flags; her turnoffs play more to her fashion sense than display actual screening criteria; she likes to dance, and she likes sex but not very often (yes, I read a lot into that last comment; this is my blog and I can do such things). Verdict: young, cute, maybe a bit narcissistic, but overall not bad.

I go with Linda, but Milda's got similar odds for a decent date. Linda's leading the voting with a healthy 37% vote, but strangely Stefani has a middle second at 34% (Milda has a respectable 29%, which could swing upward enough for the win but most likely won't). Tune in next week!

The New York Times > Opinion > John Kerry for President

The New York Times > Opinion > John Kerry for President

The article starts with a thought expressed almost exactly as I would have written it: "Senator John Kerry goes toward the election with a base that is built more on opposition to George W. Bush than loyalty to his own candidacy."

Then they proceed to talk about Senator Kerry for a total of 5 paragraphs, bookending 16 entire paragraphs of criticism against George W. Bush. (and they're also right about Bush, too) This is what we call "The Paper of Record" in our country.

I pray for our country. We live in ironic times.

Not even (Outfielder) Jesus can help you now! Muahahah!

Red Sox Are Yet Again Barking Up Wrong Tree

The best part about this article is that, while it doesn't directly subscribe to the theory that the Red Sox are literally doomed, it does point to every hilarious indicator that the Yankees keep tying their shoelaces together under the lunch table, and that sometimes they trip over their own feet as well.

On an unrelated note, why are "gossip" and "sports" two distinctly different categories? I've never heard of a starlet being caught with an SUV full of cocaine and charged with posession with intent to sell. And the steroids scandal potential is excellent. Not to mention the off chance that a current or retired star murdered his (pregnant) wife or fucked a girl in the ass. But the two are kept so distinct! Hmmm, maybe I've found my voice!

News while I wonder whether Flav takes off the clock when he has sex with Brigitte Nielsen

(shudder)

Lloyd Grove gets a hand in the mail. A message from Richard Johnson, perhaps! Have they seen Hudson Morgan lately? (oh, and Bill Simmons is right (yeah, pay-to-view link, sorry), that movie "Saw" looks like it's going to kick some serious ass. That is, if they haven't given away half the movie already!)

In other news, The Post gets obsessive with the Mafia today... here, here, and here - with a bookie bust to go along.

Boldface Names gets down with the anal sex literary beat...

Schilling out, El Duque in...

oh fuck it, I got bored with this, I'm done.

This terrifies me. It really does.

'SURREAL' LOVE AFFAIR SPAWNS REAL SERIES (NY POST)

Yikes! WTF! Armageddon is here! Start hoarding water! Red Terror Alert! Hide the children!

October 15, 2004

Today's big birthdays: Penny Marshall! Tito Jackson! Tanya Roberts! Fergie!

(Like a fucking episode of "The Surreal Life" - which segues into the next post...)

Fun News day!

Oh where, oh where shall I begin? I'm in heaven right now!

Let's start with Lloyd Grove, who completely shirks all responsibility for his gossipy goof-up (bottom). What a complete loser he is. This guy isn't fit to rummage through Anna Wintour's trash for credit card receipts from The Four Seasons.

Then there's the one-two of Page Six and Rush & Molloy, who both today give Brandon Davis (aka Mischa Barton's fucktoy) a chance to further slander his ex-celebutante-debaucherer-in-crime Paris Hilton while giving the National Enquirer free ad space. (or is it really free? I don't trust any of these fucking people any more) All over a racial eptithet. See dictionary under "tempest-in-a-teacup". Yes, it's an insensitive word being used in a demeaning context, but look where it's coming from - the same mouth that deep throated Rick Solomon for the entire world...

Hey, speaking of "Douchebag" Mr. Solomon, guess who Kirsten Dunst has been hanging out with?

Then there's this page of gold nuggets, including something about Steinbrenner and a hot blonde (gag!), Moby (double gag!) being a hypocrite (hurrah! Show that fucker what's for), Harvey Keitel being a dirty old man ("The Piano", anyone?), Jeremy Shockey out on the town with Jesse "The Bachelor" Palmer, and Derek Jeter removing yet another promising woman from the dating pool and ruining life for all the other men on the planet one hot date at a time.

Ted Turner, of course, is batshit crazy. I love that super-flattering picture, too.

MEDIABISTRO.COM HIRES ELIZABETH SPIERS AS EIC

Lifted from the Mediabistro news feed:
Founding editor of Gawker.com and a contributing writer at New York magazine will expand content offerings and relaunch mediabistro.com homepage, incorporating niche media blogs.

http://mediabistro.com/articles/cache/a3040.asp

What does this mean for Mediabistro? For Ms. Spiers? For so-totally-last-season Gawker? For newyorkmetro.com, who had seemed to forget about Ms. Spiers not long after hiring her? For Laurel, who seemingly was looking to sneak up behind the last EIC, Jesse Oxfeld, and use her feather boa as a garrote?

But most importantly, what does it mean for us bored media-obsessed websurfers at work? Does our content actually improve? I would hope so! That might mean that I could pick up some overtime hours!

October 14, 2004

Take that, rewind it back...

Today is Usher Raymond's 26th birthday. You know, as in URRRRSHURRR got the voice to make your booty go clap...

I really cannot resist:

"On the back of milk cartons and there's no reward
no regard, close but it's no cigar"

(Oh, where were we... snarky news commentary... okay...)

News of the Day

Not much. Another porn tape, chickens everywhere, Gawker's down (and back up here)...

October 13, 2004

Oh, Happy Happy Birthday to...

News?

Not really. According to Page Six, Kimora's kitty cat died and went to a better place (remember: when you die in New Jersey, you ALWAYS go to a better place). And in other news, about halfway down the page, Mary Kate Olsen is being a bitch to fans. (Hint: Next time have the markers, photos, and high-grade cocaine ready and waiting, that's your best shot at getting an autograph)

The big thing here in NYC is the Red Sox - Yankees ALCS starting tonight, with the bravado and heckling reaching levels rarely seen, even for blood feuds between old sports teams. I forsee ugly hangovers and scattered combat in the streets. And I do not dare call a winner, although you should know who I'm rooting for at this point.

One more thing, I wish I had a nickel for every article about Johnny Damon's hair. I don't know what the ramifications are for the sport when you play at Yankee Stadium and you have both Babe Ruth's monument and Jesus Christ in the outfield at the same time. Since the NHL is locked out, maybe this guy is in the stands? (Of course, if this sounds hokey to you, I know there's a kind God with a sense of humor just because Satan's "statsID" number on ESPN.com is 666. How could you not love that?)

October 12, 2004

Time to make ya feel old! Kirk Cameron is 34 years old today!

"SHOW ME THAT SMILE AGAIN..."

New York Post Dating: Quality Matters

Last week,
baby-faced financier/comedian Sean, 28, picked trainee lawyer, Kelly, 25

Nice! My pick goes exactly as I saw it. In a rare match of all that makes sense, Kelly was the poll leader, Sean picked Kelly for the date, Sean thought Kelly was the bee's knees, and Kelly found someone she considers "a friend". That means Sean's going to be in therapy quite soon.

MEET Ilisa, 26,
an editorial assistant and triplet.

Yeah, but guys, the other two are taken, so settle down. Ilisa might be a bit flaky - dates a lot of guys, likes cheesy music and dancing. Because I'm generous with giving the benefit of the doubt, we'll say she's a nice girl - nice enough to not be a problem on a date. It's probably true that she hasn't yet met the right guy. And she still might not yet:

Nick, 36?!?! Cradle robber! Or just a poorly paired match. Better luck next time, Nick.

Rafael comes through with a cheesy line on the animal question ("because I have foxy eyes") but generally looks like chick bait. He vaguely matches well with Ilisa. They might find chemistry or common ground on a date.

Francisco is competition, though. He seems like the type of guy who... well, you can't walk 5 feet in New York without bumping into them! Again, he vaguely matches well with Ilisa... except he likes dancing! And so does she! A match made in heaven! Regardless, if he IS like all the other guys in New York, it means that he's no good... and why do I get the feeling that the Post doesn't exactly go for all the Boy Scouts out there...

Well, I think Rafael is a good guy, and might make a decent long term boyfriend for Ilisa, but let's just go with Francisco and set up a dancing date. It'll be a lot more comic that way! I can see him getting drunk on the date already! We might have something to laugh about next week!

(I was right to like Rafael - he's winning 48% to Francisco's 41% at the time of posting. Nick gets 9% from all the people who clicked the wrong button first.)

Dan Okrent kicking ass and taking names!

NYT's
Okrent says lefties are "winning the vileness derby"

Well, I liked this article a lot, but
Romenesko had a few
negative reactions to show for it. I'm not sure where I stand on the fact that
he outed that "coward", because maybe that was a bit of an overreaction
considering what the consequences of such a disclosure could be. Then again,
what he wrote was entirely tasteless, so fuck you buddy!

Either way, Okrent rocks.

October 11, 2004

Sorry, this isn't going to be a happy news day, apparently.

`Superman' star Christopher Reeve dies (age 52)

Ken Caminiti, '96 NL MVP, dies at age 41

Plus, there were a bunch of obituaries in the New York Times today for people in various fields of expertise (example:William Watkins, 78, Recorder of Marine Mammals' Calls, Dies). People are dropping like flies.

Just to bring you up to date, we've also lost Rodney Dangerfield, Ronald Reagan, one of the Ramones, Ray Charles, Marlon Brando, and Tony Randall so far this year. And Rick James (bitch). I think we should take a "time out" on the deaths, it's been too long of a year to watch anyone else go unexpectedly.

And you know there's a LOOONG list of people doing laps around the death pool right now. The clock is ticking on many former hard-partying athletes (what's LT been up to lately?), 60's rock stars (Keith Richards, I've got my eye on you to not wake up someday), aging movie stars (don't you know how old Clint Eastwood, Dennis Hopper, and Gene Hackman are? They're sleeper bets), and former politicians. Yeah, no more Bob Hopes and Strom Thurmonds... it's all going to happen so quickly.

Plus, we are overdue for a "unexpected young death". There's too big of a hipster party crowd in Hollywood for anyone to have not fucked up this year, yet. Besides, all it takes is an unexpected tragedy like a plane crash (Buddy Holly, Aaliyah), car crash (Princess Diana, James Dean, Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopes), or even an "I don't know what the hell happened to them" (Marilyn Monroe) to knock off a big star before the age of 40.

I'd prefer that this all take a break until next year after today.

Go Fug Yourself

Go Fug Yourself

More tomorrow...

(hee)

New York Times all of a sudden forgets it is a NEW YORK newspaper

Bah! Somehow, the New York Times all of a sudden starts rooting for the Boston Red Sox! Feature articles about their chemistry, a "what-if?" article asking about the ramifications of a Red Sox World Series win without facing the Yankees in the playoffs, and a George Vescey column where he plain out roots for the Sox. What the hell is the world coming to?

The journalistic disclosure, of course, which is listed NOWHERE on the website: The New York Times is owned by The New York Times Company, which happens to own part of the Boston Red Sox.

OUTRAGE!

Who gives a fuck, the Yankees are going to the World Series anyway. In the unfortunate and somewhat-possible-but-not-likely chance that it's not the Yankees on stage this year for the AL, then I'll be rooting for the Cardinals all the way. Fuck, I'd root for Atlanta if it came to that. (ick. can't believe I just said that)

Ahhh, the world is a beautiful place!

http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ap041007.html

See, there's things that can lift my spirits a little bit.

Although I'm rather jealous. For one thing, that guy lives near a beach! Two, he's a good photographer! Three, he got this shot! I want to be pissed. But really, let's just enjoy the view. And set this to your desktop if you can.

Dammit the world is boring today

This is a slow news day like no other news day. I'm quite frustrated. I like to hear funny things every once in a while, and nothing is funny today. No lesbians, no tales of anal sex, no one vomiting or soiling their pants unexpectedly. *sigh*

Can I waste space and give props to Bill Simmons? I just did.

Oh, interesting news. This happened around the corner from my house yesterday. Naturally, not even a car explosion can wake me up in the morning. This is why I'm so bad with office jobs. There was a big enough thread on Fark about it (mainly because it was initially announced as a car bombing, which conjured images of al Qaeda, Tony Soprano, and little remote control cars in a Dirty Harry movie), which was interesting: during the discussion, all these Weehawken people came out of the closet. Yes folks, when being gay is no longer such a big deal, us heterosexuals from New Jersey are the last frontier of hidden shame.

Trump Tales

I thought it would be a great news day, but we have two simply icky stories: Last night's episode of the Apprentice was wacky, and Donald Trump gets naked.

(Well, he didn't really get naked... someone drew a painting of what they imagined him as naked. Which leads to the following question: who the hell thinks of this shit?)

Botox

World's Longest-Running Comic Given Facelift

Nothing particularly special here, but am I the only one who thought they might be referring to Joan Rivers based on just the headline?

It's gonna be a fun news day!

October 8, 2004

Today is the anniversary of the Great Chicago Fire. And Happy Birthday to Jesse Jackson.

(celebrity birthdays weren't available as of 7amEST - sorry!)

Sensitivity is not my forte

So, without further interruption: we can only speculate why this happened, as the article gives us too few clues. If he was a fat kid, they would have said so, right? He takes 3 hours to run the one lap, grabs one last cheeseburger at the finish line, and departs for the pearly gates and St. Dave Thomas of Wendy's. Or maybe this is the result of an atomic wedgie gone too far.

Plus, all the other kids thought he was joking. That seems odd, here's a native-Ukranian speaking 11-year old, so he probably has not much interaction with the other kids. Then, all of a sudden, he's passed out on the ground, and all of these kids - who have likely not seen this kid feign death or unconsciousness as a gag, ever - all of a sudden assume that it's a big joke. And they're not toddlers running around Vito Corleone's body in the tomato garden - they're 11 year olds at a gym class. Old enough to tell the difference. Don't we have some stupid fucking people in this country?

A Black Eye for the 'Peas

http://www.opinionjournal.com/extra/?id=110005723

Summary - with a wary eye on political correctness, Bridget Johnson ponders the common usage of the word "retarded", in light of a hit song on the radio that is happily titled, "Let's Get It Started," but is indeed called something else entirely different on the original album where it appeared.

Let's change the topic for a second: the Black Eyed Peas fucking suck.

They're a "funky" group, a "multiracial hip-hop project," who have written and performed a bunch of super pop friendly songs. None of them are very good songs. They pander to current trends in music, which we all know are leading the world straight to hell. How else do you explain collaborations with Justin Timberlake, Papa Roach, and bad dreadlocks? How else do you explain picking one of your hot groupies out of the audience, making her the fourth band member, and having her supply endless brain-dead quotes to the media for "We haven't heard anything from Paris Hilton today" space filler? As Dr. Evil would say with a pinky on the lips, "They're the Diet Coke of music. Only one calorie, not musical enough!"

So, when it comes to SUCKAGE, nothing that they can do will surprise me. Changing an entire song title from an offensive term to something as saccharine as "Let's Get It Started" is something I would expect from a group like that.

Now, aside from that, these "Association for Retarded Children" people have it all wrong. Don't denouce use of the word retarded as sensitive - get a new marketing-friendly euphemism for retarded! Call it a Cognitive Impairment Condition. Or Lifelong Learning Challenged. Or DAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!, so that they can refer to themselves easily. (I'm going to hell)

Another News Roundup

Hey, just in time for Halloween! Marilyn Manson and Dita Von Teese are renting an entire resort in Barbados to... no, wait, wrong couple.

"When you talk about a young girl's breasts in public, it can be very damaging." I'll say! After all, bail is expensive for us cradle-robbers. Lindsay Lohan ta-tas. Yum yum!

Well, thanks for ruining the surprise, assholes!

On a dork note - if I had been at Bungalow 8 the other night and saw Owen Wilson there, that so could have been me.

The Daily News has a Britney Spears obsession today - both Rush & Molloy and LLoyd Grove cover the Brit Beat. Apparently her panties are on sale on eBay (speculation is that it's Kevin trying to make a quick buck), and she just fired her manager. In other news, her life is a disaster. But you knew that.

And, to cap it off, nothing like reading Joyce Wadler merrilly repeat a tale of Robin Williams singing of sodomy. It's 10am and we're already talking about anal sex, people. At least let me drink my coffee first!

October 7, 2004

Gee, a lot of B-list birthdays and insignificant events today. Yaaaaaaawn.

It is Jerry Orbach's wedding anniversary, though. That's acceptably interesting.

Hey, John, Richard Hertz is on the phone to congratulate you for the new position!

Okay, so listen, I'm not a homophobe. Really. I'm not. Promise. I had a gay roommate once, and we were cool with each other. I don't mind. There's really nothing wrong with it even if it's not my cup of tea. Seriously.

So then why can't I stop giggling at this story?

So, like, did they have to drive him around grade school in a tempered-glass car, like the Pope? Did he murder his parents the day before his 18th birthday so that it wouldn't go on his adult record? Is it pronounced the French way, like "fah-JO"? Is he married, and if so then why did his wife not demand he take her madien name? Do his kids go by their mother's maiden name - you know, sort of like the way Adolf Hitler's family sort of just moved onto something else?

News Roundup

Tiger Woods marries his buxom blonde Swedish gal pal. Bridget Harrison, formerly of a rancid personal/dating essay column in the Post, is on the beat.

Second story down, the New York Post misses an opportunity to make fun of the Daily Snooze. There's no real story in this item other than the fact that the Post used the actual name of their competitor once, leading to speculation that there's a subdued copy editor subbing in for the normal catty one, who may be on vacation or stalking Lloyd Grove.

A new drama on ABC about kissing and frolicking teenagers makes Linda Stasi gag as if she ate bad Chinese.

RIP to Rodney Dangerfield. And if you check Google News, you'll also hear about Janet Leigh. A sad day in entertainment.

Read toward the bottom. "Hey, sweetie cakes, how about you and I play a game of Hide The Cannoli?" And, to completely bite off Gawker, Lily Koppel is my hero.

For fun, a story about Christopher Walken. Weird pauses included.

And the big story of the day! Howard Stern jumps to satellite radio! It seems that the satellite radio business is finally about to get...

(urmm... no... don't want to... really bad... can't help it... itchy... okay fine fine...)

... Sirius.

(aaack!)

One question though: K-Rock currently broadcasts out of "the top of the Howard Stern Building", according to their promos. So will that change? Will they be broadcasting in 2006 from "the top of Artie Lange's condo in Hoboken?"

New York's crime story of the day

A man was shot in broad daylight during an argument, luckily change in his pocket saved his life, but he'll be heading to the pokey due to all of the heroin he had stashed under his clothes.

I'm too lazy to get a link from Newsday as well.

October 6, 2004

Marriage edition:

It would have been Elizabeth Taylor's and Larry Fortensky's 13th wedding anniversary. Alas, they are no longer a couple. Who would have forseen?

It is also Faith Hill's and Tim McGraw's 8th anniversary. They are, unfortunately, a happy couple. Not that I am not happy for them, but let's just say I wouldn't have a problem with Faith Hill being back on the market, so to speak.

Like, really that was all I can find. Slowest news day in history. Doesn't bode well for today's news, either!

We're experiencing technical difficulties...

Apparently, none of the tabs have their systems working by 11:30am, as we're all still waiting for some REAL news and gossip to come through this late in the day.

So, here's some more mind-numbing entertainment: last night, a contestant - one of the last 5 remaining - was eliminated from "The Benefactor" (a reality show contest for a $1,000,000 prize) by way of...

wait for it...

wait for it...

losing a game of Jenga.

Now, I know these shows already do a fine job of insulting our collective intelligence... erm, what's left of it... but that's just outrageous. There isn't even anything funny about that. I laughed at first, but in a way that's much like the really bad habit I have of laughing when someone tells me that their dog was electrocuted or their grandmother blew herself up by smoking next to an oxygen tank. The end result is just depressing. If you're that contestant - another model-ish guy much like all the others that seem to hit the reality TV attention-whore jackpot - there's no point left to your life anymore. All you can do is have sex with the hottest remaining female contestant and wink into the camera. Then you go home and hang yourself.

Don't fault me for watching it for even 5 minutes while waiting on a line at a UPS terminal. I made it a point to not remember any names, lest I start knowing way too much about this shit.

The New York Times takes an amusing look at New Jersey bickering

New Jersey Sports Authority Approves Lease for Xanadu
http://nytimes.com/2004/10/05/nyregion/05meadow.html

In this corner, we have the hippie environmentalists:
"I think they should put a big dry cleaners in their mall because they have just taken the taxpayers to the cleaners," Jeff Tittel, director of the Sierra Club of New Jersey, said. "With the state paying for most of the needed transportation and road improvements and picking up the tab for all of the problems down the road, this is the most one-sided deal since we got Manhattan for $24."

Jeff, just kill yourself. Spare us whatever remaining awkward analogies you have. You just ruined the English language for the rest of us.

In the other corner, we have big-bucks...big-bucks...STOP! Develop on environmentally sensitive land with a Joni Mitchell inspired parking lot! Yes, the evil New Jersey sprawl-mall developers:
"James F. Dausch, president of Mills's development division, provided the sports authority with new details about the tenants and activities planned for the complex.
Mr. Dausch said the complex would include a child-size city, a digital playground, television studio, indoor sky-diving and ski jumping, a cooking school and theme-oriented tenants like Nickelodeon, Fox Sports, House of Blues and Nascar. While there would be retail areas related to the theme-related spaces, he said, "this doesn't make it a mall any more that having feathers makes a duck a chicken.""

A child-size city? You mean a city for midgets and dwarves!?!? Now THAT'S entertainment! Ooompah loompah doopity doo! And you too: shut up. the bad analogy police just raised us to red alert level.

October 5th, 2004

It's Ray Kroc's birthday. It would have been the 102nd birthday of the McDonald's founder. This might be a good time to join a health club, and sweat off that supersized ass on the treadmill.

It's also Nicky Hilton's birthday. She's now 21! Hold on while I stop giggling.

And Daniel Baldwin, too!

I heart IMDB.

New York Post Dating: Matches made in hell

New York Post Dating, 10/3/2004
Link expires at the end of the week: http://www.nypost.com/dating/d2.htm

Ugh! So Mike wins last weeks' poll, but Brooke picks Geoff anyway, and they proceed to go on a date where the fire between them couldn't heat a Dixie cup of water to piss temperature. They like each other, but each seems to insist that they date someone exactly like them. Well, Geoff, there's plenty of balding dorks out there for you. And Brooke... well, it's difficult finding a tan fashionista guy with a nose as big as yours, but we're sure as hell going to try! Mike, meanwhile, fucked a busload of 22-year-old former coeds on the Upper East Side. It wasn't mentioned in the article, but you know it happened.

Onto this week:

Sean! Check his pulse! Code blue! When he used to play hide and go seek as a kid, all he did was stand next to a white wall and no one would find him for hours! And you must have better posture than that. Do not slouch and lean your hands into your pockets, you might as well rub shit on your face if you're looking to do something that unattractive. I should know, I walked around like that for 2 years. Sean's a comedian, which means he's desperate to get laid. That request for the "odd clicking noises with her tongue" sounds like a request for oral with a tongue piercing.

So, which girl's gonna be the lucky mighty mouth?

Kelly, Jets fan, man eater (dumping men constantly - nice thing to mention in a dating profile), looking for "chemistry", can't live without shoes (high maintenance), looking for "Intelligence, sarcasm, wit" (don't all three come in the same package on the literary scene nowadays?), dislikes vanity, and she likes sweaty athletic activities. Sean, your wait for intercourse may be over! But, she seems sort of like an elliptical cylinder that doesn't quite fit in Sean's round hole. But maybe Sean's got something that fits hers!

Meghan - likes bars. Can cook exactly one thing. Friendly Fran. (?!?! How do you get Fran from "Meghan") Fun in a paper box. (I'm lost here) Dated a guy for three years and has been rebounding since. Looking for someone tall - Sean doesn't look that tall. Can't live without her iPod and friends... uhhh, your friends probably hate that you listen to your iPod all the time in front of them, dear. She's like a cat, grrrrr baby! And, upon asking about the perfect bed, she brings up hers. Okay, I assume that Meghan's a nice girl, but my impression is that she's more discerning than she'll outwardly admit, and she's been bouncing around the town for sex for a while. I don't KNOW that, it's just my impression. In any case, what's the use of going on a date with an outgoing vixen if she's going to screen you out immediately?

Then there's Melissa, the freaky old East Village hag, so we'll just skip right along.

I had to say Kelly here, and she's leading by nearly 54% at the time of this post. I think Sean's going to have to wax his own carrot after this date, but hey, he should get mobbed by female Post readers at all of his future comedy shows. Or not.

Random Comments

The Red Sox vs. the Yankees '04
By Chris Smith
http://www.newyorkmetro.com/nymetro/news/sports/features/9987/index.html

Yes, it's going to be heavy this time around.

Gothamist Interview
Peter Hyman, Writer
http://www.gothamist.com/archives/2004/10/04/peter_hyman_writer.php

Props. This guy is a little more foppish than I can directly relate to, but he is indeed a good writer, and self-deprecation always equals hilarity in my book.

http://www.whatevs.org/
I read 90 frickin websites a day, and must have seen links to this one about a billion times, and only now am I discovering how kick ass it is. I'm so behind.

Yahoo/USA Today
Buyers rate Hyundai as high-quality
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=711&e=2&u=/usatoday/20041004/tc_usatoday/buyersratehyundaiashighquality

Really? Which buyers are we asking? Korean auto mechanics?


And, as a test, plus to announce that Tiger's getting married soon (supposedly... not like any source is reputable anymore):

And the Lord Bestowed Upon Us:

http://www.screenhead.com/

I'm setting this to my homepage.

October 4th, 2004

Happy Birthday to Rachael Leigh Cook. She's 25. Praise the Good Lord for blessing us with such fine luscious women to swoon over. She can even take a crapfest like "She's All That" with it's otherwise dreadful casting and treacly soundrack, and put forth a performance that still reverberates as honest and admirable.

(Sidenote: Remember Sixpence None The Richer did three videos for that song? One for the band itself, which would have never been played on MTV proper if not for its tie-ins; one for the movie; and a Dawson's Creek version. Way to bend over for cross promotions!)

Then she did Josie and The Pussycats. I mean, at that point, just strip naked, okay?

I wish I had the ability to post inline pictures from work. Until I find out how to accomplish that, do your own damn GIS! Lazy bastards.

Speaking of lazy bastards, yes I skipped the weekend, but I'll make up for it.

I hear the sound of Barbara Walters cackling

'GOOD DAY' DEBBIE TAKES SCARY PLUNGE":
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=84&ncid=787&e=5&u=/pagesix/20041001/en_pagesix/gooddaydebbietakesscaryplunge

Well, slow news day, but I'll take a story about Debbie Matenopoulous punching herself in the face and nearly causing her own death.

Ah, remember those skits they used to do on SNL making fun of "The View?" Cheri Oteri as Barbara Walters?

October 1, 2004

Is it really October already?

Well, at least it's a Friday.

Roger Maris set his home run record (61*) on this day. God bless that miserable fucker.

Oh, and happy birthday Julie Andrews. She was hot back in the day. I once had a swooning dream about her when I was a kid, not long after I had watched "The Sound of Music". I thought she was swell.

Updates? Brief, or none at all. I'm on the road later today. Work is busy busy busy, and it's a slow news day. No anal sex, puke stories, or n-words today, I guess!