For our comically deprived readers: The Friar's Club Roast of Donald Trump
As a service, here is a compilation of as many printed quotes from various news outlets as I can scrounge off of Google News from Friday night's Friar's Club Roast of Donald Trump. This is as close as we'll get to a transcript, at least for now. I would prefer to see the entire thing unedited someday; there's something about Jeffrey Ross doing a roast that makes me suffer aneurysms and gasp for air. I heard, however, that Susie Essman KILLED and that most of her jokes were not fit for print. I'm practically hard. So, without further blabber:
"The reason Trump puts his name on all his buildings is so that the banks know which ones to take back."
(regarding Melania Knauss) "You know what she sees in you? A billion dollars and high cholesterol."
(She said she and Trump did not hit it off right away when they met) "I wasn't your type. I'm smart, my tits are real and I speak English."
"Did you enjoy your lunch? I heard your hair ordered the salmon."
"He seems very happy with his beautiful fiancée, Insert Name Here."
"If you want a piece of Trump, you'll have to go through me."
"These people are trained professional killers. They want to say things in public to you that they've been saying behind your back for years."
(also mentioned:) "that goddamn hair we're all sick of."
(After Rich Vos' act:) "That was Rich Vos, and that might be his last public appearance."
"When I was in Italy, I met the pope and the first thing he asks me is, 'How is Donald Trump?'. I go, how does the pope know Donald Trump? He says, 'His name comes up a lot in confessions.'"
"This is more fun than having your ass kissed all day, huh, Donald?"
"You realize that if your father wasn't born first, you'd be a fucking waiter at this event?"
"I read your book. It only goes up to Chapter 11."
(To Victoria Gotti:) "Jewish parents put money away for college. You put money away for bail."
(referring to a discussion with Trump about the firings of African-Americans on "The Apprentice") "He said to me, 'Why should whites be the only people who deal with me and walk away with nothing?'"
(upon quoting Trump from "The Art of the Deal": "Money is just a way to keep score ... the real excitement is playing the game.") "Really? I thought the real excitement for you was in evicting orphans groups."
(also called him a:) "grifter wrapped in a fraud perpetrated on society"
alluding to his network's faltering ratings this season; saluted Trump and his show as "the only thing that stands between NBC and a total collapse."
"The Apprentice was actually the second show that Donald pitched to us. The first was called, Extreme Hair Combover."
"Donald has his dating down pat. There's the picking of the ring, the meeting of the parents, the meeting of the grandparents and then the realisation that he went to high school with the grandparents."
"Donald, I got the invitation for the wedding, but I can't make it. But I'll catch the next one."
(Also regarding the wedding: he continued, saying that the wedding would be great, with a cigar room for Mr. Trump's friends and:) "for Melania and her friends, a bouncy castle."
"A lot of people come up to me and say, 'You're a lot like Donald Trump: you're powerful, you're rich, and you're bald.'"
(re: Katie Couric) "Katie's been dating one of the owners of the Boston Red Sox. That means she hasn't gone all the way since 1918."
(re: Victoria Gotti - referring to the fact that the newly minted A&E TV star would soon, like Oprah, be giving away free cars on an upcoming episode of her show) "And all come with bodies in the trunk."
(referring to the Hair Club for Men pitchman) "Sy Sperling called. He said, 'You're the new president.'"
(at one point suggesting that swimsuit model Cheryl Tiegs may have an upcoming:) "new spread in AARP magazine."
• "God owns more real estate, but Donald has a bigger ego."
• "Donald doesn't have any skeletons in his closet. They sit on both sides of him in the boardroom of The Apprentice."
• "He asked his fiancée if she'd love him if he were poor, and she asked him if he would love her if she were ugly. They laughed and laughed."
• "They asked Rodney (Dangerfield) to do this roast, but he said: 'I'd rather be dead.'"
Rich Vos:
"The reason Trump puts his name on all his buildings is so that the banks know which ones to take back."
Susie Essman:
(regarding Melania Knauss) "You know what she sees in you? A billion dollars and high cholesterol."
(She said she and Trump did not hit it off right away when they met) "I wasn't your type. I'm smart, my tits are real and I speak English."
"Did you enjoy your lunch? I heard your hair ordered the salmon."
Lisa Lampanelli:
"He seems very happy with his beautiful fiancée, Insert Name Here."
Regis Philbin:
"If you want a piece of Trump, you'll have to go through me."
"These people are trained professional killers. They want to say things in public to you that they've been saying behind your back for years."
(also mentioned:) "that goddamn hair we're all sick of."
(After Rich Vos' act:) "That was Rich Vos, and that might be his last public appearance."
Stewie Stone:
"When I was in Italy, I met the pope and the first thing he asks me is, 'How is Donald Trump?'. I go, how does the pope know Donald Trump? He says, 'His name comes up a lot in confessions.'"
"This is more fun than having your ass kissed all day, huh, Donald?"
"You realize that if your father wasn't born first, you'd be a fucking waiter at this event?"
"I read your book. It only goes up to Chapter 11."
(To Victoria Gotti:) "Jewish parents put money away for college. You put money away for bail."
Al Sharpton:
(referring to a discussion with Trump about the firings of African-Americans on "The Apprentice") "He said to me, 'Why should whites be the only people who deal with me and walk away with nothing?'"
Richard Belzer:
(upon quoting Trump from "The Art of the Deal": "Money is just a way to keep score ... the real excitement is playing the game.") "Really? I thought the real excitement for you was in evicting orphans groups."
(also called him a:) "grifter wrapped in a fraud perpetrated on society"
Jeff Zucker (NBC head honcho):
alluding to his network's faltering ratings this season; saluted Trump and his show as "the only thing that stands between NBC and a total collapse."
"The Apprentice was actually the second show that Donald pitched to us. The first was called, Extreme Hair Combover."
"Donald has his dating down pat. There's the picking of the ring, the meeting of the parents, the meeting of the grandparents and then the realisation that he went to high school with the grandparents."
"Donald, I got the invitation for the wedding, but I can't make it. But I'll catch the next one."
(Also regarding the wedding: he continued, saying that the wedding would be great, with a cigar room for Mr. Trump's friends and:) "for Melania and her friends, a bouncy castle."
"A lot of people come up to me and say, 'You're a lot like Donald Trump: you're powerful, you're rich, and you're bald.'"
Freddie Roman:
(re: Katie Couric) "Katie's been dating one of the owners of the Boston Red Sox. That means she hasn't gone all the way since 1918."
(re: Victoria Gotti - referring to the fact that the newly minted A&E TV star would soon, like Oprah, be giving away free cars on an upcoming episode of her show) "And all come with bodies in the trunk."
Jeffrey Ross:
(referring to the Hair Club for Men pitchman) "Sy Sperling called. He said, 'You're the new president.'"
(at one point suggesting that swimsuit model Cheryl Tiegs may have an upcoming:) "new spread in AARP magazine."
Unattributed:
• "God owns more real estate, but Donald has a bigger ego."
• "Donald doesn't have any skeletons in his closet. They sit on both sides of him in the boardroom of The Apprentice."
• "He asked his fiancée if she'd love him if he were poor, and she asked him if he would love her if she were ugly. They laughed and laughed."
• "They asked Rodney (Dangerfield) to do this roast, but he said: 'I'd rather be dead.'"
posted by Brian Van at
7:27 AM
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