New York Post Meet Market: The Long Winter Is Not Nearly Over

My money's on a cold date with Katie and Gene next week. Speaking of cold dates, notice how things always get worse for Meet Market over the fall and winter seasons?

Truer words have never been spoken. Katie picked Gene and all but completely demeaned him on their sham date. Also, the cold snap lengthens. Laura, Tom - what the fuck? We know you can do better than this. Shit, I did better than this! And I suck at this dating thing! Surely if I can find love (errmm, to be more specific, an occasional acquaintance who I talked to all of three times after the date, but that's besides the point!), and if Celine Dion and Ian can find love, then I know you can make it work for others too!

The date between Katie and Gene is worth breaking down a bit, as there are some lessons to be learned. For one, don't miss your first date, cause that's the sort of thing Tom puts in the lede!

THIS week's date - Katie, a law student, picked Gene, a financial marketing whiz - didn't get off to a smooth start when Katie failed to show up at Butai...

Shit. This doesn't look good from here.

Gene: Katie was there when I arrived - I was probably about five minutes late, and we had a brief hello kiss. This was where the trouble started, as we both mis-timed the kiss and it all got quite awkward and embarrassing from the get-go.

Gene - although I'll excuse you from blame from this point forward, I have to say that you're a fucking klutz. Sorry. This is something you need to get right in the future. Continuing:

Gene: Unfortunately, the conversation did not go well. I felt like we spent a lot of time just feeling our way through the basics. But quite a lot of the subjects I tried to talk about turned into nothing, so that was tough.

Quick explanation: Gene, you're a working professional, she's a college student. Unless you've got your pants down and she's got the "fuck me" look on her face, you will have nothing in common. Nothing at all. And, truth be told, even if you did have some mundane common interest (mountain climbing, capoeira, cupcakes, Neil Diamond, etc.), all that counts in the end is the "fuck me" face. If you cannot ignite the flames of desire in the intended target, you are accomplishing nothing but meaningless smalltalk. That is how animal chemistry works. But hey, good luck with the smalltalk!

Now, for the juice:

Katie: Gene was quite amiable, but he wasn't really forthcoming about himself. It became obvious fairly early on that he wasn't interested in me, so I decided to simply enjoy the gratis food and drinks.

Huh?

After the meal, we left the restaurant together and walked to the subway. Once were got to Union Square, though, he insisted that he had to go to a different station, despite the fact that he was taking the 4 train and I was taking the N. At that point, I decided to go back to Butai and give the bartender, who I had been talking to earlier, my number. He was, after all, much more engaging than Gene.

Aaack! Horrible etiquette, through and through! So, guess what?

That's right, Katie is our new Queen Worst Dater Ever! Come on, you just don't pull shit like that unless there's some real justification for it. And, unless there's some new proof otherwise (and you know that's happened before), I have to say that there was no justification to carry things out this way - especially after you blew off the first date, Katie! Meanwhile, I've got a tip for the bartender...

(yeah, you know where that's going. I think my point has been made.)

Onto next week's frigid mess...

MEET Jackson, an extremety cute 24-year-old emergency-medicine research assistant.

Ummm, I beg to differ. He looks like a cartoon sheep dog to me. Unless maybe Laura took a liking to him, eh? Heh heh.

(UPDATE!!! Since the karma gods had seen that Jackson's dating profile was just a bit on the harsh side, I was given the fortune of stumbling upon a common acquaintance's Flickr account to find today's article mentioned. Apparently, lovely Jen Carlson of Daily Refill and Gothamist fame knows Jackson, and snapped a pic of today's NY Post Meet Market article for her photostream. This tipped me off to search for more photos of him in her photostream, and indeed there are more. So, in the interests of being completely fair, here's what Jackson looks like in a better photo. I'll give him handsome credit where credit's due. If you are not already completely bored of photostream-fucking, here are more photos of Mr. Jackson Hotsuff. Readers, make note that your dating picture can make or break you. Now, back to our regularly scheduled crapfest.)

Well, Laura, if you think he's cute, he'll still be on the market for a few more weeks... cause he ain't getting anywhere in Meet Market. For one thing, his profile is a mess. Moz heads and Dead heads? Tar Heels? Unprovoked swipes at L.A. and Westchester? Uh-nuh. Needs a lot of work. And another thing, this week's dating pool is a bit messy. Let's take a look:

Deepa, how would you describe yourself? I like elbowing old ladies who, even though they have been sitting for 22 hours, feel the need to push you to get off the airplane the minute it has stopped taxiing to disembark three minutes sooner. Why they can't wait three more minutes, I'll never know. If I elbowed your grandma, she deserved it.

She's joking, of course. Ummm, am I right? Well, that's half of her profile right there. Wasted on a poor joke. Hey Deepa, is this thing on? (*tap-tap!*)

Next, Lilian, a mid-twenties finance manager. A quotable:

What do you find sexy? I'd really like to meet someone that doesn't beat around the bush and gets to the point.

Hot damn! Lilian, stop by the Patriot Saloon sometime and find me! As illustrated by my prior talk of "fuck me" faces, I'm sure I'm the type of get-to-the-point guy you've been looking for! Forget Jackson the Shaggy Dog, he's not your type at all. He just wants to sit home and scarf chow mein between bong hits with his male-nurse buddies. You know what you need to do. Oh, and Lilian, you're definitely a cutie...

Finally, we have Jocy, a mid-twenties program assistant. Non-existent job, but we can look past that for the right young lady. More quotables:

What do you like doing when you're not working? Eating, drinking, dancing on bars and juggling kittens.

Oooh, a feisty one!

What's sexy to you? What do you look for in a man? It's sexy when a man is confident and secure in himself. I have to say, nice big hands are sexy, too.

(you know what they say about guys with big hands...)

What has your romantic experience been like? It has definitely been intense, and I'm looking for something light and fun.

Light and fun, eh? Sounds like my type of arrangement! Plus, Jocy's got the hot look going in the picture - hair blowing back, beautiful face, a fantastic neckline... everything we see is hot! Hey, Jocy - ummm, why don't you come to the Patriot on some other night than Lilian and we'll talk, okay? I'll even forget that you said this:

If we were to ask your best friend about what kind of man they would like to see you with, what would they say? She would probably say someone who is an American - for once.

Well, I'd probably benefit from that preference, as I've not spent more than 26 days out of 26 years outside of the U.S., but... that's so racist! Yikes! You shouldn't say things like that, especially in a blue state like New York! Not only is it really uncool, but liberals have crucified people upside down for less-misguided statements! That said, I sit on the center line, and I'll give Jocy the benefit of the doubt and say that she's just making a snippy comment because she's had a less-than-successful string of dates with guys looking for a green card. Hey, sometimes it works out with the foreign men, you know! (shout-out to Carolyn and the Vinkster! Woo woo!)

Okay, so Jackson the Shaggy Dog isn't really compatible with any of these girls. Two are potential man-eaters and the other didn't mention anything about the Grateful Dead. That said, although Deepa didn't indicate any love for long guitar jam-sessions, she is a bit of a jokester... so, considering that one likes laughs and the other might like smoking weed, we could have a match! Plus, Deepa's kinda cute, and that goes along with Jackson pretty well if you'll believe the Meet Market authors. And, although I personally give Deepa an "A" for effort with her profile and wouldn't mind spending a blind date with her, I've got way too much on my hands already with Lilian and Jocy (aka "Tuesday" and "Thursday" *hint-hint*). I choose Deepa for Jackson. Most of the crowd early in the week voted for Jocy, but it's hard not to vote for sexy Jocy and her entrancing flowing hair. And that validates everything I've said in this column.

Until next week, folks. (You know, if I decide to publish anything. You've seen what it's been like around here lately!)