Friday, January 13, 2006

Week of 01/08/2006 - Dating Wrap-Ups

First, in Modern Love... three earth-shattering developments:

1. The author isn't selfish!
2. The author isn't trying to sell a book!
3. The essay's pretty funny!

Sure, we've seen these things happen before, but I'm not sure if all at the same time! Lainie Keslin Ettinger's piece is about... well, you could say that it's about a housewife that likes cheesy romantic movies and uses them to get excited enough for sex with her husband. I say, it's about movie theater masturbation. Hey, there's nothing like pressing your own button in a dark public place for a little excitement, right? Just don't let anything funky get near my popcorn, lady!

Meanwhile, over at Page Three-Thousand-Two-Hundred-Seventy-Eight, Josh found a Gillette Mach 3 and put it to good use on the scraggly beard... alas, an improvement in grooming did not lead to romance! Lilian was flattered, but ultimately unimpressed. The restaurant was Pair of 8's, but the ratings were a pair of 2's. Oh, well! Sucks to be Josh! (Lilian, that offer still stands, you know...)

MEET Wilson, a wry and witty 41-year-old psychology professor.

And the picture looks more like a 22-year-old gas station attendant! Young looking guys just don't score... I mean, I should know, I'm reduced to hitting on girls appearing in the newspaper from my blog... so I hope he's got the personality to make up for it:
(in response to the three things question: "I'm not sure what caffeine does, biochemically that is, but I'm pretty sure without it my head would implode. ChapStick is another thing; I can seriously jones for ChapStick. Finally, sunshine. For me, sunshine is like gasoline, except it's neither liquid nor flammable. And it's not a fossil fuel."

Forget sunshine. I'd rather pour gasoline on myself instead, having just read that profile. Painful!

But not as painful as being a 26-year-old blogger having to make non-tasteless comments about women above the age of 40... which is what I must do now! And you know what? I'm abstaining. I'm just going to pick a winner, and tell you why.

It's obviously Rachel. First, she's in MENSA, so she'll appreciate those brainy psychology professor jokes that Wilson has waiting by the truckload. Second, she's the only woman who didn't specify "tall" in the requirements, and that right there is a major red-flag. (Leslie asked for: "A Bill O'Reilly type - tall and conservative." Ummm, practically the only person in the state of New York who meets that definition IS Bill O'Reilly!) All the other factors don't matter, because they're both smart and they're likely to be disgusted with one another - but at least it won't be as disastrious as a date with "Looking for a fuck buddy" Virginia and "Looking for Bill O'Reilly" Leslie.

Sorry for the lateness this week, will catch you here soon!

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