New York Post Dating: Matches made in hell
New York Post Dating, 10/3/2004
Link expires at the end of the week: http://www.nypost.com/dating/d2.htm
Ugh! So Mike wins last weeks' poll, but Brooke picks Geoff anyway, and they proceed to go on a date where the fire between them couldn't heat a Dixie cup of water to piss temperature. They like each other, but each seems to insist that they date someone exactly like them. Well, Geoff, there's plenty of balding dorks out there for you. And Brooke... well, it's difficult finding a tan fashionista guy with a nose as big as yours, but we're sure as hell going to try! Mike, meanwhile, fucked a busload of 22-year-old former coeds on the Upper East Side. It wasn't mentioned in the article, but you know it happened.
Onto this week:
Sean! Check his pulse! Code blue! When he used to play hide and go seek as a kid, all he did was stand next to a white wall and no one would find him for hours! And you must have better posture than that. Do not slouch and lean your hands into your pockets, you might as well rub shit on your face if you're looking to do something that unattractive. I should know, I walked around like that for 2 years. Sean's a comedian, which means he's desperate to get laid. That request for the "odd clicking noises with her tongue" sounds like a request for oral with a tongue piercing.
So, which girl's gonna be the lucky mighty mouth?
Kelly, Jets fan, man eater (dumping men constantly - nice thing to mention in a dating profile), looking for "chemistry", can't live without shoes (high maintenance), looking for "Intelligence, sarcasm, wit" (don't all three come in the same package on the literary scene nowadays?), dislikes vanity, and she likes sweaty athletic activities. Sean, your wait for intercourse may be over! But, she seems sort of like an elliptical cylinder that doesn't quite fit in Sean's round hole. But maybe Sean's got something that fits hers!
Meghan - likes bars. Can cook exactly one thing. Friendly Fran. (?!?! How do you get Fran from "Meghan") Fun in a paper box. (I'm lost here) Dated a guy for three years and has been rebounding since. Looking for someone tall - Sean doesn't look that tall. Can't live without her iPod and friends... uhhh, your friends probably hate that you listen to your iPod all the time in front of them, dear. She's like a cat, grrrrr baby! And, upon asking about the perfect bed, she brings up hers. Okay, I assume that Meghan's a nice girl, but my impression is that she's more discerning than she'll outwardly admit, and she's been bouncing around the town for sex for a while. I don't KNOW that, it's just my impression. In any case, what's the use of going on a date with an outgoing vixen if she's going to screen you out immediately?
Then there's Melissa, the freaky old East Village hag, so we'll just skip right along.
I had to say Kelly here, and she's leading by nearly 54% at the time of this post. I think Sean's going to have to wax his own carrot after this date, but hey, he should get mobbed by female Post readers at all of his future comedy shows. Or not.
Link expires at the end of the week: http://www.nypost.com/dating/d2.htm
Ugh! So Mike wins last weeks' poll, but Brooke picks Geoff anyway, and they proceed to go on a date where the fire between them couldn't heat a Dixie cup of water to piss temperature. They like each other, but each seems to insist that they date someone exactly like them. Well, Geoff, there's plenty of balding dorks out there for you. And Brooke... well, it's difficult finding a tan fashionista guy with a nose as big as yours, but we're sure as hell going to try! Mike, meanwhile, fucked a busload of 22-year-old former coeds on the Upper East Side. It wasn't mentioned in the article, but you know it happened.
Onto this week:
Sean! Check his pulse! Code blue! When he used to play hide and go seek as a kid, all he did was stand next to a white wall and no one would find him for hours! And you must have better posture than that. Do not slouch and lean your hands into your pockets, you might as well rub shit on your face if you're looking to do something that unattractive. I should know, I walked around like that for 2 years. Sean's a comedian, which means he's desperate to get laid. That request for the "odd clicking noises with her tongue" sounds like a request for oral with a tongue piercing.
So, which girl's gonna be the lucky mighty mouth?
Kelly, Jets fan, man eater (dumping men constantly - nice thing to mention in a dating profile), looking for "chemistry", can't live without shoes (high maintenance), looking for "Intelligence, sarcasm, wit" (don't all three come in the same package on the literary scene nowadays?), dislikes vanity, and she likes sweaty athletic activities. Sean, your wait for intercourse may be over! But, she seems sort of like an elliptical cylinder that doesn't quite fit in Sean's round hole. But maybe Sean's got something that fits hers!
Meghan - likes bars. Can cook exactly one thing. Friendly Fran. (?!?! How do you get Fran from "Meghan") Fun in a paper box. (I'm lost here) Dated a guy for three years and has been rebounding since. Looking for someone tall - Sean doesn't look that tall. Can't live without her iPod and friends... uhhh, your friends probably hate that you listen to your iPod all the time in front of them, dear. She's like a cat, grrrrr baby! And, upon asking about the perfect bed, she brings up hers. Okay, I assume that Meghan's a nice girl, but my impression is that she's more discerning than she'll outwardly admit, and she's been bouncing around the town for sex for a while. I don't KNOW that, it's just my impression. In any case, what's the use of going on a date with an outgoing vixen if she's going to screen you out immediately?
Then there's Melissa, the freaky old East Village hag, so we'll just skip right along.
I had to say Kelly here, and she's leading by nearly 54% at the time of this post. I think Sean's going to have to wax his own carrot after this date, but hey, he should get mobbed by female Post readers at all of his future comedy shows. Or not.
posted by Brian Van at
11:42 AM
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