Week of 10/23 - Modern Love and Meet Market Roundups

Modern Love this week tackles the tale of a third wheel guy. I recommend it as a solid read. At first, I read through it and found it to be a little annoying. Then I took the stick out of my ass, leaned backward in my chair, and enjoyed the ride. It's fairly absurd, based on funny facts about people who are friends of couples. I like it. Go read and enjoy.

Meet Market gets hot and heavy this week... Baroness Sheri took my recommendation to see Joel, and here's how it went:

Sheri: Joel wanted to go on from the Chemist Club, but I decided it would be more expedient to end the date there. He was being very affectionate, so I had to mumble a reminder about my "24-hour rule." I always wait 24 hours before getting intimate - I find that it eliminates 90 percent of the worst candidates!

Rowr! What a hot date we have here! There were many more hilarious things in their recollections, but we have to move on. I have a nasty picture in my head of two mature individuals rubbing their old wrinky genitalia together, and I'm having trouble keeping my lunch down. Must go back to the younger crowd to make the nausea and spinning feeling go away.

Neil is back this week to choose next week's girl. No smokers. No cat people. Must have dog. Who's the right gal for our carrot-topped suitor?

Janice, 30, is also carrot-topped. She's the picture of classic beauty (it's the red dress, I know. I'm a sucker for that). She drinks Jack and Coke. She's a lawyer who writes with brevity. I love her. This contest is over already.

Rachel's in ad sales. Everything about her screams "dating-scene-veteran yuppie." Not that it's a bad thing. Still, there's nothing particularly outstanding about her. Next.

Becca is 22. Too young and too adorable to hand over to an older, mature man. I like her, though; she's cool, she's from Austin, and she's totally cute. She should be back in a future week to pick some guys out.

That said, Janice wins. The polls have Becca barely leading the other two, but I know better. End of discussion.

Now, for some more entertainment, check out my article on Gothamist about the Spanglish Sandwich. Completely unrelated to dating; food is my other favorite subject! Enjoy.

New York Post Meet Market: The Baroness and the Bachelors

We head into another week of Meet Market with some good news: Kat the Guggenheim Gal chose Steve and hit it off fabulously with him.

We sent them to the trendy new Upper West Side restaurant Loft

Hmmm, is this near Jake's Dilemma? Do I have to get on the 1 train to get there? Trendy indeed.

Steve: My first impression of Kat was that she was vivacious and pretty.

Translation: "Hmmm, will she sleep with me?"

Kat: I think he is very handsome, but more important he gave me a big smile when he said hello, and he genuinely looked pleased to see me.

Translation: "Hmmm, he wants to sleep with me. But he's good looking, so I don't mind."

Steve: I felt that both of us had a pretty even share in the conversation, and it took no effort for it to progress. Most of the date was spent talking about this whole "blind date" experience. We also chatted about our backgrounds, our interests and whatever topics randomly spawned. I can't say that I remember any particular part of our conversation, but I think that's a good thing because it means I never felt uncomfortable, confronted or even had to work on it. A good conversation contains two people of similar intellect and interests, and we certainly had that.

Translation: "As the night continued, I still wanted to sleep with her."

Kat: I think we were both pleasantly surprised how normal the other person was. We told some bad dating stories and traded background information. It was very comfortable.

Translation: "I might sleep with him. Someday. Not today."

Steve: We exchanged numbers, but, alas, we did not kiss. Be it platonic or romantic, I would certainly not turn down an opportunity to see Kat again. She was fun to be around. Good conversa-tionalists are hard to find. The date couldn't have been better.

Translation: "Another night with Rosie Palm. Maybe Kat will sleep with me on the next date."

Kat: It's not like there were sparks flying all over the place, but we did seem to get each other. I would definitely go out with him again, because the date was a hundred times better than what I had expected.

Translation: "Tell Rosie Palm not to get too attached, stud." *wink*

Hot stuff, people.

Who's stepping up to the plate this week? Baroness Sheri, who is a female over the age of 30. I'm confused. It looks like there was a switchup with the Dating column from AARP magazine. She claims to be "ageless". She looks like the type of woman that bartenders ask for ID just to charm her, and who falls for it every time.

If some lucky guy is buying, the baroness says she'd order French champagne. If it's on her dime, she said she'd settle for a glass of sauvignon blanc, preferably from New Zealand's Cloudy Bay.

Bah. There's a difference between "treat me like a lady" and "buy me nice shit." One's a whole lot less flattering than the other.

What does she find sexy? "Men who are smart, quiet and very capable in bed." And why should a former sex columnist settle for anything but the best?

This one's a bit dangerous for the general dating pool. And she's got lofty expectations. At least all of her suitors are age appropriate, but can they keep up with her?

Joel might be able to. He's an attorney and a restauranteur; the best of both worlds! He's got a restaurant to eat in, and the type of income to pay for everything else. Now if that isn't masculine, what is?

What's sexy? Petite, great legs and eyes that engulf you.
What would your ideal date be like? Sunset drinks in the autumn, dinner and then a walk on the boardwalk at the West Side Highway.

So, like, why even look at the other two guys? This one rocks.

Next: Russ, 41, social-studies teacher. Sex columnist and a social-studies teacher. Yeah. Sure. Let's move on.

Finally: Rob, 39, jewelry-magazine editor. Sheri is probably older than him. Also, he's a comedy writer. He looks okay (to be fair, Russ wasn't a bad guy either), but again looks to be generally unsuitable for Sheri's expectations.

And it is settled. Joel, Sheri, trendy restaurant, trip to Europe for a second date. Easy.

New York Times Modern Love: If Your Son Finds Your Article Unreadable, It's Got Nothing To Do With Autism

Claire Scovell LaZebnik gives us this week's Modern Love piece: a tale of being a worrying mother of a child with autism, and all of the emotions that come with it.




(what, you expected more?)

(okay, I'll give you more. But really, that's the only interesting aspect of the piece. The rest of it is Readers' Digest material.)

Claire's son - to be referred to hereafter as "He-boy", since Claire never names him - has had a somewhat successful therapy program to help him cope with autism, and therefore is quite functional (as those in the psychiatry field would say). But his autism is not completely "healed" - it's still there, and the symptoms are still highly problematic.

But in what sense? He-boy is in excellent physical health, carries on with most normal functions of a teenage boy, and seems to be far ahead of many of his autistic peers. Claire, though, has other things she's concerned with. Like girls. Relationships. Porn.

To this I say: so fucking what?

The problem we have here is not with the topic, but in how it's conveyed. This article is basically a teaser for her book, and I'm sure both book and article were sculpted in a way such that they appeal to a mass audience. As such, Claire speaks of the challenges of autism in the context of the difficulties of navigating typical teenage social structures and life issues. Sure, that's appealing to a mass audience; every teenage boy goes through shit trying to make it from 6th grade to high school graduation, and most caring mothers worry about these things. I suppose everyone can relate to that. But in presenting her concerns, Claire takes all the edge - and air - out of the story. Where Malcolm Gladwell can write about something as mundane as a paper clip factory and make it seem completely fascinating, Claire writes here about a serious and thoroughly misunderstood psychological condition and makes it seem dull.

She's worried if her son can love and be loved. Claire, we all worry about that for ourselves already.

On a serious note, best wishes to He-boy and his family in dealing with his condition.

New York Post Meet Market: Kirsten Sees The Worst That Can Happen, Gets Invited To A Maids Of Dishonor Show

I love going on blind dates. It's a great way to meet people in New York, so I was not at all nervous. Really, the worst thing that can happen is that conversation drags, and since The Post was picking up our tab, how bad could it be?

Well, well, welllllll Kirsten, let me tell you something...

Sean picked Kirsten, who I thought was a really cool girl but didn't think was a good match for Sean and his hair. And whaddyaknow, it didn't work out between them. The story from Kirsten:

To be honest, we were not physically attracted to each other, so I felt we both just had made up our mind to have a really fun, friendly night.

Well, if that ain't the kiss of death, I don't know what is.

We didn't leave until about 11:30 because we were having such a fun time. In the end, though, we parted as friends.

From my experience, some girls are exceedingly nice even when a date just doesn't work out. It's kind of confusing, actually; they just won't fess up to what's rubbing them the wrong way. But luckily, Sean fills in the details for us:

We chatted mostly about work at first - she is a p.r. person, and I was interested to get an insight into her world. There is a glamorous side to it - going to parties for exciting things, so it was fascinating to hear about it.

P.R. is so glamorous. Glamorous, people! P.R. is so hot. Mmmm, continue.

We quickly discovered that we are both Taurus, which made it even easier. But I have to say that I doubt Kirsten could keep up with me on a full-on night out - but I could be wrong. I led the conversation at first, but that was cool. Tauruses take a while to warm up; once we got going we had a great conversation.

Wow, this is a guy who knows his horoscope really well. That's usually a girly thing. Maybe he gets his astrological advice from the Times? During a manicure, perhaps?

Girls are always quite interested to speak to a makeup artist

So modest. And glamorous.

I told her about my band - I recorded a disc recently called "The Gutters of Heaven" with my band, which is called Sean Allen Fenn and the Maids of Dishonor - you can get it on iTunes. She seemed to be interested in that side of my life - but now I think she may have been humoring me. I invited her to see me a few nights later, but she didn't show. I am going to invite her to my next gig and hope I have more luck then!

OMG. He's plugging his band in the column, and on the date! It's as if she's not a potential hookup, but rather a potential audience member! Because that counts more!

Well, maybe she was humoring you, Sean. That's my theory.

Anyway, who's turn is it this week?

Kat's back! Now we know that she's "the beautiful assistant to the director of the Guggenheim Museum." Even more specific info! Give out her home address, why don't you?

Kat's got a better profile this week. I like her a little more, to be honest. I have good hope for this week's date. Now, for some quotables about bad dates past:

"When I asked him where he wanted to eat, he said, 'Someplace cheap,' and later said that he only paid for the movie because he found a $20 while we were waiting in line."

I've got a better one for you. Some idiot I know went out with some new friends and, following a cheap trick he'd learned from other friends, used his credit card at a kiosk to prepay for all the tickets - at the children's rate! The ushers never check that, so theoretically you can save a bundle that way. But the new friends were horrified, and almost walked out of the theater. Luckily, after a big hassle, they all used the tickets as-is with no problems getting admission - but not without my idiot friend feeling utterly embarrassed. (my friend... wasn't me, it was a friend... yeah, um, that's right...)

Back to Kat, she's to choose from:

Julian the peace officer. Peace officer? What does he do, work security for Ben & Jerry's? I think they meant police officer. Regardless, Julian's a big softie. Nothing particularly special about him. He does not seem very cosmopolitan, hence I don't think he's a good match for Kat (who seems somewhat sophisticated). Next, please.

Second, we have Steven, the research analyst. Quotables:

If your life were a soundtrack, what song or specific lyrics would be playing? "Firestarter" by Prodigy. It's a high-energy song, and I like to liven things up and start a little something. Living an exciting life is the only way to do it.

I personally love the Prodigy (not to be confused with the Mobb Deep rapper), and I agree with this philosophy. This is probably why I'm dateless, though, and I predict that Steven will be as well. Girls don't go for intense, Euro-techno types of guys. Also:

I once had a first date where we had both watched a lot of recent movies before we met, so we decided that we would pick the film when we went to the theater. Needless to say, "Event Horizon" was not a good first-date flick. The relationship did not go very far.

First, indeed. Second, did you know that the song that plays over the end credits is another Prodigy song, "Funky Shit"? They even sampled the Beastie Boys for that one. I love that. More useless pop trivia for you. Next, please.

Finally, we have Mike, the stand-up comedian. And like most stand-up comedians, he looks like he has Down Syndrome. (Note: I'm personally going to get in a ton of trouble for that remark. You know, aside from going to Hell. For that, I think some of my comedian friends are going to send me there sooner rather than later.) Maybe that's just a bad picture? Looks better from the side, possibly? He is a very nice and sweet guy, though, as the following would show:

How would you describe yourself? I'm a sweet guy with a good sense of humor. I am a very caring person (worked as a social worker for years . . . great job, but very draining).

I now feel bad for making fun of him. I mean, those eyes are just a little too wide apart, but that doesn't mean I should judge or anything. (Okay, I'll stop.) I have nothing but good marks for Mike. He's even funny, as he makes a witty comment about trading "a caring disposition" for peanut butter and milk. Also:

I dance pretty well for a white guy with a limp!

Ummm... right. So he's not a male model by any means, but he won't do you wrong.

Nice guys finish last, usually. In this case, all these guys finish last, because none of them seem to be the type of guy that would keep a girl like Kat well-occupied. It's nobody's fault, really; I just don't think any of these guys are the type to be going out for Grey Goose Martinis. Specifically, Kat's not looking for a blue-collar beau, so Julian's out. Kat's also seemingly not looking for someone jokey and modest, so Mike's also out. That leaves us with Fast Beats Steven, who doesn't seem like a particularly great match for Kat... but then again, you never know.

I wish them all luck. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to run quickly from the rocks that are being thrown at me from the comedian crowd...

New York Times Modern Love: Add The Trophy Times Clip To The List

Well, what do you want me to say about this week's Modern Love? Martha Moffett's essay this week is an atrocity.

I began displaying him almost immediately, once I'd reviewed his credentials. They were just about right: Harvard, N.E.H. grant, a fellow at Yale, two sabbaticals in Africa, where he labored at compiling a Chamba dictionary.

Holy shit, please stop the madness.

Here's the thing: I'm not taking this as a literal reading, but rather as a display of mock-superficial sentimentality. However, one thing I've learned from this essay is this: mock-superficial sentimentality might not be as morally abhorrent as the real thing, but it's certainly as obnoxious to read in short semi-non-fiction.

I can't relate to this at all. I pass on the review.

So, while we're here and needing to fill the space, let's do a head-to-head matchup of Modern Love vs. Meet Market. I know that's the battle that everyone's been waiting for. Let's do this:

VS. - How Each Column Tackles Romanticism
ML: Hire a bunch of freelancers to bitch about their old ex-partners, because their best friends are clearly sick of hearing it.
MM: Set hipsters up on dates, pretend that someone's supposed to fall in love, report on the comical results.
Winner: Meet Market

VS. - Greatest Success Story (over the Lectern's review period)
ML: Kirsten Allen Major's movie-like happy ending
MM: Pamela and Ian
Winner: Modern Love

VS. - Greatest Disaster (over the Lectern's review period)
ML: Stephen Elliot can't keep a girl to himself.
MM: King Worst Red Ryan and Former Queen Worst Jenny
Winner: Meet Market

VS. - Funniest Moment
ML: Spike Gillespie:

...all I could do was lube myself up with alcohol and fall into bed with one man or another, all of them terribly wrong.

MM: Youri's Mountain Climbing Expedition
Winner: Modern Love

VS. - Very Very Gay
ML: Dan Savage
MM: John the actor (the first potential pick for that week)
Winner: Modern Love

VS. - Most Likely to Dodgeball You
ML: Sandra Barron
MM: Queen Worst Brooke
Winner: Modern Love

VS. - Dangerous Activities
ML: Hitchhiking
MM: Cock Punching
Winner: Meet Market

VS. - Dubious Semi-Celebrity Appearance
ML: Dan Savage, once again
MM: Carmine Gotti
Winner: Modern Love

VS. - One Reason To Have Hope For Society
ML: The romantic movie to-be
MM: Jason the Closer
Winner: Meet Market

Final Winner: Modern Love

Ah, so that settles it. Even with a lot of stinker essays, Modern Love still leads the pack. Perhaps around this time next year, Meet Market can catch-up a bit and come out on top... or Modern Love may still dominate (so to speak). I guess we'll see...

New York Post Meet Market: The Curse of the Jewels!

Tom and Laura learn this week that if you play with bombs, sometimes you... um, blow up.

Kevin, in this case, was the bomb. I don't know why Erin picked him over the other two (well, one of them seemed to have a bit of a creepy profile), but sure enough, she went with the geek and she got a geek. She was so surprised, too!

The conversation was a bit strained. I tried to make the best of it and kept asking normal, open-ended questions. It struck me as odd that when I asked what his favorite book was, he came back with "I don't know if you are in to wrestling ..."

Hahahah! She sure did layeth the smack down on him!** How bad was this date?

The good news is that the food was wonderful and the staff divine. The service was impeccable - I would recommend Meli Melo to any of my friends. It's a lovely place for a first date.

Emphasis mine, as it was written such that this was the ONLY good news. What else happened?

...my phone rang, and thankfully it was my friend Corrin, with a "dire emergency" (mine). I told her to come down to the restaurant. She does. She sits at the bar. Kevin leaves. I join her and we laugh about what I might consider one of my worst dates ever.

Ah, the old escape plan! Never fails when done correctly... well, except that Kevin found it boorish yet still didn't pick up a clue. He says:

It was rude that she picked up her cell while I was talking to her. I tried to be nice and polite, but I guess nice guys finish last.

And yet he still gave her a heart and a half. At least she was honest about it: NO HEARTS! Haha! These two didn't have a snowball's chance in hell to begin with, and they're both rather clumsy with dating, so I won't lament any lost love here. Also, I won't assign any King or Queen Worst honors; that would just add insult to injury. (Plus, these two aren't really funny; they're just sad.)

**I know how old that reference is. I know the Rock hasn't been in the league in 3 years, and that he wasn't the epitome of coolness or talent to begin with. Most important, it shows clearly that I don't watch wrestling anymore. That's a good thing, men. Learn from my example.

Onto this week's daters! Can we get this train back on the track?

Maybe Sean can help us get to higher ground. Or not! What an ego on this one...

He modestly describes himself as "awesome," and says that if we were to ask his friends about him, they would say, "Sean is an enigma."

Cripes.

He's looking for a gal with "long brown hair, great skin and confidence."

Sean says his ideal evening would be "spontaneous," and that he loves the New York dating scene because "no one settles down, it's perfect." Indeed.

I left in that final "indeed" because you should picture Laura rolling her eyes while having to copy-and-paste that from his profile questionnaire. Did I mention he's a "musician/makeup artist?" And you see that "too-cool-for-school" look on his face in his profile picture? Yes, readers, this guy is doomed.

Onto the futile and merciless exercise of picking his next miserable date:

Kat is an "Assistant at Guggenheim". One, I'm not sure it's cool to be publishing company info with these profiles. That's just a little too much of a privacy violation, isn't it? Two, that sounds a little self-congratualtory: "I work at the Guggenheim." Oh, you're big shit, aren't you? (Sense a match coming? I do!)

How would you describe yourself? I definitely show two sides at any given time - the energetic, witty art-world girl who is constantly laughing at herself and entertaining everyone around her at modesty's expense, and the more serious, deadpan poet type who is observing everything about her. I beat a lot of balls ... but tell a mean story and with the voice of a porn star, to boot.

Emphasis mine, again. Well, she wears her ego on her sleeve too! Maybe this date won't be so miserable after all! Well, except when Sean gets his balls beaten! Ouch! Need ice for that, buddy?

Next, Kirsten, the PR assistant. The good things about Kirsten: she's humble, clean, intelligent, trustworthy, down-to-earth, and pretty! Almost perfect! I think I have a crush on her! (Do e-mail me if this Post thing doesn't work out.) But fellas, I've got bad news for you: RED SOX FAN. Never a Red Sox fan, and absolutely not in October. Next!

(Still email me, though; we'll get along great in the winter.)

Finally, we have Annie, the hot grad student.

If your life were a soundtrack, what song or specific lyrics would be playing? "There's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me."

Hit the slopes, anyone? Is Sean down for a night of the ol' Kate Moss? Just kidding, folks - this is why, though, it's most important to scrutinize your answers to dating profile questions. You don't want to give any answers that could be misinterpreted. Other than that, Annie looks like a superstar. Another solid pick for a nice guy.

But Sean's not a typical nice guy, is he? No, he's a rockstar-cum-Avon-lady! Let's see how hardcore he is when he gets a cock punch from Kat! Owwww! Ow ow ow! Seems like half the readers also have it in for Sean's balls to get busted, as he's leading the polls by a comfy margin. So, next week, come back for...

Dammit, between my laughing and crotch-flinching, I just can't come up with a good ending here! All I can say is that it's gonna hurt, a lot! Let's just have an emergency urologist on standby, please!

New York Times Modern Love: Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

"Why do you think Jenna left me?"

Ah, if only most essays could get off to a great rolling start like that.

Brian Goedde becomes this week's subject of observation as he searches the world around him for an answer within. What's funny about this essay for me is that I was completely mislead by the apparent subject of the essay until the very end, at which point the true moral of this story is delivered in a nice, neat package. No, the essay isn't about Jenna, who broke off her long-term relationship with our protagonist suddenly and unexpectedly over the phone. (That bitch!) The essay is, instead, a look at how people interact with others and how they view themselves.

The entire trip is a little dizzying, but I wouldn't consider it a fault of the essay. While it all boils down to how Brian views himself and how other people view him as well (we really never do figure out how Jenna and Brian can appropriately reconcile), there is an additional layer of depth added by the complications of his non-romantic relations with others: the rebound-sex friend; the mutual friend of the couple; the close relative of the estranged partner, with whom Brian will end up estranged as well; and the mother who abandoned him. The twist is that he learns something about his relationship with each of these people as well along the way.

Unfortunately, he learns nothing about himself. And neither do we.

My tendency toward cynicism leads me to the possibility that we're dealing here with a classic case of the unreliable narrator. That is, Brian is not being honest with himself and cannot be honest to us or anyone. This dark theory is only strengthened by the fact that he cannot seem to get support or a straight answer out of people who are close to him.

That said, I want to believe him. I do think that he's somewhat narcissistic for taking on this project, but I don't see him as overflowing with arrogance. I think that, had he been given a helpful answer from someone, anyone (even Jenna, who seemingly gave him a very lame send-off), he might have been able to find what he was looking for. I also have a tendency to trust him because he's not trying to find a way to force his will or viewpoint; he's just trying to get a clue. I wouldn't hold it against him that he's clueless here; having been in a long-term relationship that came to an abrupt end, he never had much to work with from the start.

Still, this is all about his relationships with the others. Of those, he fares best with Cynthea, the "mutual friend". She gives him some very honest and useful factual information that Jenna was unwilling to provide. (As I read this essay, I found myself growing more distaste for this flaky Jenna character with each passing paragragh - did you not? How do you sympathize with someone who completely abandons a 10-year partner for apparently no good reason? But that's it's own topic.) Brian's emotional fragility becomes slightly visible when she takes one of Cynthea's statements to be a comparative insult, but otherwise he gets away pretty cleanly.

He does not do so well with his rebound friend. She sits high on her stool, smokes her Marlboro, and tells Brian:

Over time she developed needs and desires, needs that maybe she didn't even know she was having. And whether or not she told you about these needs, you weren't fulfilling them.

Brian took this a little too much to heart, but give the guy a break, he's been given a bad blow by his ex. For someone who didn't seem to really know what the hell was going on, this just sounds like some sort of feminist ranting about women's emotional needs. You can already tell I'm unsympathetic and unimpressed. "Whether or not she told you about these needs?" Fuck you.

Next is the Stepdad-in-law-was-to-be. (*untying my tongue*) Apparently, this guy is all wisdom and no facts. That in itself is forgivable - at no point does Brian pretend that he's not asking for much with these questions - but this turns quickly into a tale of disassociation. Both of us Brians (reader and writer) were pretty saddened by the sound of the wind rushing out of the relationship between writer-Brian and Stepdad-in-law-was-to-be. Pretty common phenomenon, actually; stop dating the girl for any reason, and none of the friends and family want to even know you any more. (Best personal anecdote: my ex's friends talked some loud shit behind my back after our breakup... you know, after she cheated on me, then cheated on me again, and then lied that she was raped by a guy who she really cheated with. But they were right, I was such a dick for calling it off. And no, I'm not bitter about it.)

Finally, we have Mom. She's obviously a douchebag, and there's really no way around this fact. But Brian's experience with her lead to an important (if cold) lesson about Modern Love: anyone and everyone can be a douchebag, and sometimes (many times) you need to deal with your emotions on your own.

As much as Brian's whiny emotional questions invoked my gag reflex up until this point, I was pleased to see that he finally decided that he was going to deal with this on his own. No half-baked "personal journey" was going to help him with anything, save for his clips. He realizes this, he becomes his own man, and writes it artfully. Then he takes his half-baked personal journey and gets it published in the Times. Bravo.