New York Times Modern Love - swf seeks young boys, better therapist

This week's essay is interesting, to say the least.

Spike Gillespie is a 41-year-old Austin-based woman who claims openly to be "at heart... a guy in my 20's." With a name like Spike Gillespie, I would have thought male African-American jazz trumpeter in his 70's, but no matter - all guys are pretty much the same at heart (they love 19-year-old girls, adore fast cars, and despise newspaper sections that make them look like pansies).

Anyway - Spike has a bit of a weird romantic life, and an equally weird style of writing. The first half or third of the essay - and believe me, I really don't want to take the time to measure this - is a declaration by Spike that she will not make another compromise with any man for the sake of a relationship ever again. She then goes on to essentially insist that she's not a lesbian, and establishes the fact with a series of anecdotes about her romantic failures and creepy tastes. In between, she waxes philosophical and ponders her own mission in life.

Uh, BORING.

We're not done yet, though. She pulls out a Nick-Hornby-style Top 5 list, but decides to stop at 11. I'm going to reprint this list here, with some modifications for generality's sake, so that each of you women can print this out, tape it to your bedroom door, and hope and pray that you find a man that meets all of these criteria who isn't a lead actor in a romantic comedy motion picture:

*Loves me.

*Loves my family.

*Shares my preferences for having children.

*Loves sex.

*Does impressive artistic things.

*Isn't an addict.

*Likes to travel.

Good looking.

*Independent.

Monogamous.

*Funny.

We know for a fact that Spike is at least 9 of those things, and I put an asterisk next to each of them. (Monogamous is not a safe bet; good-looking is a matter of your own personal taste.) So, if a guy matches all 11, he's not far off from Spike. Also, his name is John Cusack.

Following along, there's something about a guy named Southpaw Jones, who apparently becomes her romantic interest but then is not, but then becomes a friend. And yes, I'm just as confused from reading the actual article as you are from reading this description so far.

I'm totally missing the point of this essay, other than perhaps it's a chance for Spike to justify an extended slut-phase in a prestigious newspaper. Hey, you don't get a chance to do that too often!

Okay, perhaps that's a bit mean. Spike is not a slut. Maybe she's a cradle robber, but she's not a slut. She has standards, values, and character. Her romantic decisions are generally well-considered, save for this one:

...all I could do was lube myself up with alcohol and fall into bed with one man or another, all of them terribly wrong.

That's hot.

What was I saying? Oh, yeah, she's definitely not a slut.

What do we take away from this as readers? Well, for one thing, stick to dating people your own age so that when you have a romantic catastrophe or two, you can discuss it with peers without looking like a pedophile or a gold-digger. Second, always write newspaper essays in a "conflict-resolution" form, because "conflict-conflict-conflict-conflict" doesn't work at all. Third, don't burn ex-boyfriends' business cards - shredding will suffice. Fourth, the following description:

I have no real desire to marry. I don't want kids. I dress in jeans and flannels. I ogle beautiful young women. I enjoy takeout. I decorate my house with pieces of paper I find on the ground, and most of my furniture comes from the trash.

... is not very convincing if you're trying to insist you're not a lesbian. And, finally, love comes in all forms, even if you have to order the sex on the side. To go.

Bonus: thanks to the powers of the Internet, I present to you http://www.spikeg.com/. You can't say I never did anything for you.