New York Post Dating: That's (not quite) Amore!
On our last episode of "Desperate Murdochs" (could there be any other justification for the turns this column has been taking?), Carmine Gotti - son of Victoria, grandson of John, and complete idiot - was gifted with the choice of three young misses to take on an all-expenses-paid date somewhere in Manhattan.
Don't you want to know what happened?
First, not like it mattered, but he picked Gina. She's young, rather stupid looking, and attempting (but not quite achieving) a hot look - just like her suitor. This similarity made no difference, as the date was a bomb. Hey, Tom and Mackenzie, what happened to your swagger? Can't really talk yourselves up in the opening paragraph when the first thing you have to reveal is that your boneheaded golden boy cancelled the original date, yeah? Indeed, folks, he forgot to tell everyone that he'd be on vacation in the Bahamas... and decided to let Tom, Mackenzie, and Gina know only a few hours ahead of time. What a dope! If that wasn't bad enough, he showed up late at Vento for the rescheduled date!
Let's take a break to evaluate the daters' photograph: Gina definitely looks like she takes all the perks of working at a tanning salon, because she makes Halle Berry look like Macaulay Culkin. And then there's Carmine - that idiotic smile, that ridiculous earring, the gravity-defying hair. Surely, there are no two people who could make an uglier couple. But, their tans match!
Back to the date - Carmine uses the Yankees to make mention of his grandfather, lest we forget who he is (or who he had rubbed out). They seemed to like each other, but they can't quite remember much about what they discussed. I guess that's what happens when mindless banter is the conversation of the day! Carmine, it seems, likes to do a lot of talking about himself. I'm not sure how much talking Gina did, but perhaps she made a noble attempt to keep up her end of the conversation. There's little attraction here; you can tell both daters were just trying not to say anything bad about the other one. Carmine didn't even give Gina his phone number! What a doofus.
I might note they gave each other three hearts. What's that supposed to mean? Four hearts is the top ranking - how can you give three if you don't even exchange phone numbers? Keep this in mind for the future, as I'm hoping someday we see the elusive one-heart ranking. I'm assuming that's what you get if you unexpectedly vomit on your date, or make an unwelcome, aggressive sexual move.
Anyway, onto this week's date! We've seen Pamela before, and we've seen the old cut-off-at-the-boobs portraits before, too! Pamela's got "something to grab onto" (in male parlance) for the guys who like that sort of thing. I must say, she's quite fetching with her green eyes, cute face, lovely red hair, and luscious lips. Pamela seems to be rather particular about her men - "tall, dark, and handsome;" "he has to treat me right!;" "not interested in meeting anyone who 'can't have a conversation about anything other than himself.'" She hints indirectly that she's used to dating rich guys - that might be either a lofty expectation or a personal exaggeration. Either way, she definitely has pricey tastes. I'm hopeful but cautious about her potential for a match. Who are our leading men?
Jason assures us that he's "very outgoing." Oh, and he claims he's "funny" and he looks older than he really is. And he enjoys working out. Riiiiiiight. Take all of that with a grain of salt. The only interesting thing he mentions is the hot tamale underwear. I'm not sure whether he's a sports addict or a wannabe, but athleticism sure does come up quite a few times in his profile.
I wanted to like Ryan better, but I can't. In the end, it's the same trying-too-hard, pat-myself-on-the-back crap. That, and he repeats that "I can't stand women who think and act that they are better than others" line, which didn't need repeating. His choice in music dates back 10 years ago. He likes golf. He's a cracker. Nothing exciting here. Next!
Hmmm, Vikas at first glance is definitely NOT a cracker! But here's another guy who likes "working out" (twice). He names U2 and LL Cool J as musical favorites (both peaked in 1986). In the end, he fails to mention anything endearing. What I can't figure out is if he's Americanized or ethnicized... perhaps he's been completely assimilated into mainstream American culture (which means future dates at Red Lobster), or, based on his responses, he's an ethnic Indian caricature like Kal Penn ("Harold & Kumar", "Van Wilder"). Surely the latter would be much funnier, especially in light of Vikas' "body of a god" sense of humor. Stereotyping? Me? I don't care, as I'm going to hell anyway. Why don't you join me?
Ryan seems the most normal of the three. There's something rather odd about Jason that I can't put my finger on. Vikas seems foreign-born, and I don't think Pamela matches well with that type. (a tangent: New York is very diverse, and we shold be seeing daters who are compatible with exploring new cultures. This parade of 22-year-old ditzy white girls doesn't quite fit that ideal.) The poll results are surprising early in the week: Jason's got nearly 70% of the votes, beating the other two guys by a significant margin. Whatever the choice, I have a feeling there will be no hanky-panky going on after this date!
TTFN, ta-ta for now!
Don't you want to know what happened?
First, not like it mattered, but he picked Gina. She's young, rather stupid looking, and attempting (but not quite achieving) a hot look - just like her suitor. This similarity made no difference, as the date was a bomb. Hey, Tom and Mackenzie, what happened to your swagger? Can't really talk yourselves up in the opening paragraph when the first thing you have to reveal is that your boneheaded golden boy cancelled the original date, yeah? Indeed, folks, he forgot to tell everyone that he'd be on vacation in the Bahamas... and decided to let Tom, Mackenzie, and Gina know only a few hours ahead of time. What a dope! If that wasn't bad enough, he showed up late at Vento for the rescheduled date!
Let's take a break to evaluate the daters' photograph: Gina definitely looks like she takes all the perks of working at a tanning salon, because she makes Halle Berry look like Macaulay Culkin. And then there's Carmine - that idiotic smile, that ridiculous earring, the gravity-defying hair. Surely, there are no two people who could make an uglier couple. But, their tans match!
Back to the date - Carmine uses the Yankees to make mention of his grandfather, lest we forget who he is (or who he had rubbed out). They seemed to like each other, but they can't quite remember much about what they discussed. I guess that's what happens when mindless banter is the conversation of the day! Carmine, it seems, likes to do a lot of talking about himself. I'm not sure how much talking Gina did, but perhaps she made a noble attempt to keep up her end of the conversation. There's little attraction here; you can tell both daters were just trying not to say anything bad about the other one. Carmine didn't even give Gina his phone number! What a doofus.
I might note they gave each other three hearts. What's that supposed to mean? Four hearts is the top ranking - how can you give three if you don't even exchange phone numbers? Keep this in mind for the future, as I'm hoping someday we see the elusive one-heart ranking. I'm assuming that's what you get if you unexpectedly vomit on your date, or make an unwelcome, aggressive sexual move.
Anyway, onto this week's date! We've seen Pamela before, and we've seen the old cut-off-at-the-boobs portraits before, too! Pamela's got "something to grab onto" (in male parlance) for the guys who like that sort of thing. I must say, she's quite fetching with her green eyes, cute face, lovely red hair, and luscious lips. Pamela seems to be rather particular about her men - "tall, dark, and handsome;" "he has to treat me right!;" "not interested in meeting anyone who 'can't have a conversation about anything other than himself.'" She hints indirectly that she's used to dating rich guys - that might be either a lofty expectation or a personal exaggeration. Either way, she definitely has pricey tastes. I'm hopeful but cautious about her potential for a match. Who are our leading men?
Jason assures us that he's "very outgoing." Oh, and he claims he's "funny" and he looks older than he really is. And he enjoys working out. Riiiiiiight. Take all of that with a grain of salt. The only interesting thing he mentions is the hot tamale underwear. I'm not sure whether he's a sports addict or a wannabe, but athleticism sure does come up quite a few times in his profile.
I wanted to like Ryan better, but I can't. In the end, it's the same trying-too-hard, pat-myself-on-the-back crap. That, and he repeats that "I can't stand women who think and act that they are better than others" line, which didn't need repeating. His choice in music dates back 10 years ago. He likes golf. He's a cracker. Nothing exciting here. Next!
Hmmm, Vikas at first glance is definitely NOT a cracker! But here's another guy who likes "working out" (twice). He names U2 and LL Cool J as musical favorites (both peaked in 1986). In the end, he fails to mention anything endearing. What I can't figure out is if he's Americanized or ethnicized... perhaps he's been completely assimilated into mainstream American culture (which means future dates at Red Lobster), or, based on his responses, he's an ethnic Indian caricature like Kal Penn ("Harold & Kumar", "Van Wilder"). Surely the latter would be much funnier, especially in light of Vikas' "body of a god" sense of humor. Stereotyping? Me? I don't care, as I'm going to hell anyway. Why don't you join me?
Ryan seems the most normal of the three. There's something rather odd about Jason that I can't put my finger on. Vikas seems foreign-born, and I don't think Pamela matches well with that type. (a tangent: New York is very diverse, and we shold be seeing daters who are compatible with exploring new cultures. This parade of 22-year-old ditzy white girls doesn't quite fit that ideal.) The poll results are surprising early in the week: Jason's got nearly 70% of the votes, beating the other two guys by a significant margin. Whatever the choice, I have a feeling there will be no hanky-panky going on after this date!
TTFN, ta-ta for now!
posted by Brian Van at
10:55 AM
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