New York Times Modern Love: My Two Dads
(note: I'm in a terrible rush while writing this, so pardon if it comes out looking like something other than English)
Having a column that relies entirely on random freelancers (usually describing their own love lives) entails a hit-and-miss pattern of literary quality. Accordingly, we've endured some stinkbombs in the past month or two, yet this week we get paid off with a truly exceptional and emotional essay about an adoption, a flawed adult, a growing child, and a concerned and caring observer.
This week, our writer is Dan Savage, best known as the author of Savage Love (a syndicated column that runs locally in the Village Voice) and a truly talented and professional author. This is not the usual "good pitch turned into a bad piece" Modern Love essay; Savage is one of the best we have when it comes to breaking down emotions and composing reactions for everyday life situations involving romance, love and loss. His talents clearly show in this week's essay about his experience with an open adoption and its aftermath.
The short story is that Savage and his partner (Dan bats for the other team, if you know what I mean) adopted a newborn baby from a homeless girl, and the situation devolves as the homeless girl grows to be a highly unreliable and deeply troubled woman. Savage laments that his adopted child's mother cannot fix her problems, and ends up contemplating (in a regretful way) that perhaps it's best for this woeful tale to end, either for best or for worst.
Along the way, there is deep heartbreak, difficult explanations to an innocent child, and much-needed rescues for both the mother and her companion pet (apparently a necessity for the young mother, described as "petite" by Savage). There is no happy ending here, and the whole situation is truly heart-wrenching.
All of the blame for the problems here can be squarely laid on the mother's shoulders. She is completely irresponsible and unnecessarily stubborn. There is absolutely no need for her to be in a troubled situation, to be a drug-addled vagrant with many problems and no solutions. I would go as far as to call her mentally ill.
Savage is exceedingly sympathetic and tolerant when describing the mother of his adopted son, and is also unselfish in providing assistance during emergencies. DJ's new "alternative lifestyle" parents are nothing short of God-like when coming to the rescue, able to solve the toughest problems (including bail money) and address the toughest issues (example: when should they tell DJ that his mother is seemingly dead). The silver lining of this story is that DJ is in the best possible care, and will surely avoid his mother's fate.
The essay ends on a terribly dark note - Savage painfully stops an inch short of saying, "If she cannot clean herself up, she's better off dead." Yikes! I can't criticize that emotion, as Savage is hoping for euthanasia rather than trying to rid himself of a pest. He has his priorities aligned perfectly, and his priorities lie with his son and family. He regrets that his son's biological mother cannot meaningfully or productively participate in family life, but it is too painful for him to watch her destroy herself from afar, repeatedly. And I agree with his sentiments, as it is too painful for us, the readers, as well.
I think this essay serves the column's subject well. As a fresh take on contemporary relationships, this essay provides an optimistic look at families with homosexual partners (which, in our current national social climate, deserves all the positive attention it can get) while providing a view on several difficult contemporary family and lifestyle issues (namely, adoptions, vagrancy, drug abuse, and perhaps mental illness). It's tough to provide love and care to someone who makes irrational decisions. It's terribly difficult to deal with poverty, homelessness, and drug abuse issues in a modern family. Adoptions, and the attachment and authority issues that come with it, have always been tricky. Homosexual couplings are a hot-button topic among political leaders and media pundits right now, stirring controversy among people of all kinds of morals and political alingments. It's all very modern and topical, which made this essay a slam-dunk choice for this ongoing Modern Love column.
But, in the end, I suppose the most important bonds of love here are the bonds among DJ, Dan and his partner - the results of quality parenting. I don't think we have enough of that in this country lately. I think that's the desired result here, although I truly regret that it began with taking a child out of a sobbing teenage mother's arms.
(Times editors: consider this a thank-you note)
Having a column that relies entirely on random freelancers (usually describing their own love lives) entails a hit-and-miss pattern of literary quality. Accordingly, we've endured some stinkbombs in the past month or two, yet this week we get paid off with a truly exceptional and emotional essay about an adoption, a flawed adult, a growing child, and a concerned and caring observer.
This week, our writer is Dan Savage, best known as the author of Savage Love (a syndicated column that runs locally in the Village Voice) and a truly talented and professional author. This is not the usual "good pitch turned into a bad piece" Modern Love essay; Savage is one of the best we have when it comes to breaking down emotions and composing reactions for everyday life situations involving romance, love and loss. His talents clearly show in this week's essay about his experience with an open adoption and its aftermath.
The short story is that Savage and his partner (Dan bats for the other team, if you know what I mean) adopted a newborn baby from a homeless girl, and the situation devolves as the homeless girl grows to be a highly unreliable and deeply troubled woman. Savage laments that his adopted child's mother cannot fix her problems, and ends up contemplating (in a regretful way) that perhaps it's best for this woeful tale to end, either for best or for worst.
Along the way, there is deep heartbreak, difficult explanations to an innocent child, and much-needed rescues for both the mother and her companion pet (apparently a necessity for the young mother, described as "petite" by Savage). There is no happy ending here, and the whole situation is truly heart-wrenching.
All of the blame for the problems here can be squarely laid on the mother's shoulders. She is completely irresponsible and unnecessarily stubborn. There is absolutely no need for her to be in a troubled situation, to be a drug-addled vagrant with many problems and no solutions. I would go as far as to call her mentally ill.
Savage is exceedingly sympathetic and tolerant when describing the mother of his adopted son, and is also unselfish in providing assistance during emergencies. DJ's new "alternative lifestyle" parents are nothing short of God-like when coming to the rescue, able to solve the toughest problems (including bail money) and address the toughest issues (example: when should they tell DJ that his mother is seemingly dead). The silver lining of this story is that DJ is in the best possible care, and will surely avoid his mother's fate.
The essay ends on a terribly dark note - Savage painfully stops an inch short of saying, "If she cannot clean herself up, she's better off dead." Yikes! I can't criticize that emotion, as Savage is hoping for euthanasia rather than trying to rid himself of a pest. He has his priorities aligned perfectly, and his priorities lie with his son and family. He regrets that his son's biological mother cannot meaningfully or productively participate in family life, but it is too painful for him to watch her destroy herself from afar, repeatedly. And I agree with his sentiments, as it is too painful for us, the readers, as well.
I think this essay serves the column's subject well. As a fresh take on contemporary relationships, this essay provides an optimistic look at families with homosexual partners (which, in our current national social climate, deserves all the positive attention it can get) while providing a view on several difficult contemporary family and lifestyle issues (namely, adoptions, vagrancy, drug abuse, and perhaps mental illness). It's tough to provide love and care to someone who makes irrational decisions. It's terribly difficult to deal with poverty, homelessness, and drug abuse issues in a modern family. Adoptions, and the attachment and authority issues that come with it, have always been tricky. Homosexual couplings are a hot-button topic among political leaders and media pundits right now, stirring controversy among people of all kinds of morals and political alingments. It's all very modern and topical, which made this essay a slam-dunk choice for this ongoing Modern Love column.
But, in the end, I suppose the most important bonds of love here are the bonds among DJ, Dan and his partner - the results of quality parenting. I don't think we have enough of that in this country lately. I think that's the desired result here, although I truly regret that it began with taking a child out of a sobbing teenage mother's arms.
(Times editors: consider this a thank-you note)
posted by Brian Van at
7:52 AM
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