New York Post Dating: How To Lose A Guy In 10 Minutes

Fun, fun, fun!!! People, we have an exciting edition for you this week! Get ready by curling up into a fetal position and chewing your fingernails vigorously, because we're about to experience a dating disaster like no other!

Red Ryan went with Jenny, even though Elyse picked up a staggering 80% of the vote. Wow, that's some sort of record... anyway, the Post sent them off to a paid meal on Mulberry Street (where they were surrounded by Idahoans being served by Latin Americans working for Jewish owners of restaurants in a place called "Little Italy" - and no, I don't think it makes sense either) where they gathered and had a nice dinner. No sparks flew, but nothing notable happened.

At least that's what Jenny would have you think.

She said:
Of course, I got to the restaurant about half an hour late.

This is about as much as she'll admit in regards to her own foibles, and she even quickly justifies it by saying that she called in advance to let Ryan know. This is forgiveable; remember, we've seen worse from mobbed-up dipshits.

After a few snipes about his fashion sense, we get this:

Ryan had a good conversational manner. He asked a lot of questions - maybe too many!

Well, he's interested in you, so maybe you should appreciate it, eh? I guess she's not feeling the romance. This is probably something she would have appreciated if she liked him. She ends with this:

We certainly talked a lot, but I'm not sure if there were any sparks in my department. I don't really know if we hit it off or not. We may or may not see each other again, I don't know. We did exchange numbers, though.

"Not sure," "I don't really know," "May or may not," and "I don't know." I guess she's not sure of this one.

Oh, but Ryan is quite sure of HIS position!

He said:I got to Grotta Azzura 15 minutes early, and Jenny was 30 minutes late. By the time she got there, I almost felt like I had been on one date already, because I was chatting so much to the bar staff and waitresses!

Granted, I'd normally be calling the hospital right about now to get a WAAAAAAAAmbulance for this guy, but he's justified. Read on:

When she arrived, we had a drink at the bar, and then went and sat down. So far so good. We had delicious food and wine, and I was thinking that she is really nice and that this is all going well for a blind date set up by a newspaper.

Hah! I guess I'm not the only one that thinks a match-up by Tom and Mackenzie doesn't come with high expectations. Anyway:

Then we finished dinner and decided to get a drink somewhere nearby. This is where things started to get interesting.

Interesting! More like miserable! The grimy details:

"...she looked down the street and saw a bar where she said her friend was having a birthday party the next day, so we decided to go and check it out. I ordered some drinks, and then all of a sudden she meets some guy that she knew at the bar. Well, they were just having a great time. She was telling me what a great artist this guy is, and I am like, "Oh, wow, that's great." Then she said that she had to talk to this guy alone. She went off to speak to him in private, while I was left sitting at the bar with this damn 10-buck rose sitting in front of me. This goes on and on for quite some time. "

Ah, sounds like you just got FUCKED, dude. Let's see how this plays out:

Then she comes back and says she is now going to take off with this guy! So I was like, "Oh, right, OK then." And she's meanwhile still telling me what a brilliant artist this guy is. So they walked off, but then she came back and asked if I wanted to go with them. I was thinking, "Not really," but I go out anyway.

Then we get outside, and she said, "Oh, it's a bit late, I am going to go home actually." I asked if she needed me to get her a cab or anything, and she says, "No, no. I am fine." I got the message that she wanted me to go. I said goodnight and I walked off.

But when I got round the corner, I waited a moment, and then turned back and looked back at the bar. Jenny was still sitting there, on the curb. At that point I just kept going - I didn't want to feel like a stalker.

This is just wrong and sad. Initially, it seems he doesn't even get his revenge, but winds up looking pathetic instead:

I ended up at my local bar, Asylum, and I told my friend Brian the bartender all about my date, and he ended up buying me shots all night long. He was very sympathetic about the whole thing.

I told you this guy was a lush! And three cheers for people named Brian! He sounds like a good guy and an excellent bartender. Anyway, here's how Ryan ends the writeup:

So, overall, it was not a good date! And the weird thing is, I chose Jenny because, from her answers, I thought she seemed the most compatible. Well, compatibility sucks. I think I should just go back to choosing on the basis of looks.

And this is where we try not to stare at the carwreck, but we sort of cannot help it.

But, he does get the last word... and it's a good one:

Rating: ZERO HEARTS

Hahahah! I love it! Lesson learned: never act like a bitch on a date with the Post, because Tom and Mackenzie won't hesitate to let your companion rip you to shreds in front of 700,000 Sunday readers. Go Ryan!

As for Jenny, we'll add one further insult: she is now Queen Worst Dater Ever, the II!! That's right, Brooke's off the hook. I think we've reached a low point of clearly bad behavior by a female dater here, even lower than plain old hipster arrogance. As an additional stroke of karma, I'd like to think her artist friend perhaps won't reveal in a timely manner the fact that he's got a nasty case of the crabs. Oops! Feeling a little itchy and scratchy, Jenny?

Okay folks, the worst is over. Next week's daters don't look nearly as bad as last week's date ended up: Our date picker is Dena, who looks pretty clean, happy, and cute. Choice quote:

"I love to dance, but I don't get to do it enough."

Has a potential dater been reading my blog lately? It seems she's heard all of my criticisms about others mentioning activities in their dating profiles that they probably don't pursue nearly as much as they'd want you to believe. Her profile is, overall, well made. She seems like a catch. Let's try to find a good guy for her...

Man #1 is Jonathan the accountant. Highlights: Handsome, confident, and values humor. Also, he'll do your taxes for free. Downsides: Perhaps he's a bit too self-appreciative, he seems more like a nightlife guy than a romantic guy, and he might be more of a boy than a man. Also, he has high standards; Dena's up to the challenge, but her quirkier sensiblities are going to be a turnoff.

Man #2 is Dan the grad student. Highlights: Handsome, confident, and values humor. He will also perform a heart-rending rendition of the theme from "The Facts Of Life". (Mmmmmm, Blair) Downsides: Really loves himself way too much, seems to like nightlife more than dating, and might be more of an ass-tapper than a true Romeo. Do we see a pattern here?

Man #3 is Avi. I've never seen anyone in the telecom industry jacked up out of their minds as much as Avi is. Dena need not worry about ever being trapped under a car or a boulder with Avi around, as he seems he'd pick them up with one hand and roll them away without effort.

What animal do you most resemble, and why? Ha! I'd have to say a monkey. My cousin and I joke that we're the first generation not to drag our knuckles on the ground.

You know, as much as I'd relish the chance to verbally rip apart a random musclehead who might have the power to physically crush me to death - because I am cowardly and jealous, explaining why I have enough time being single to write this pathetic blog - this guy actually endears to me. I gotta say that I like him and his profile. As a big bonus, he doesn't love himself like the other guys do. (Take that in a general sense as well as a comparison to #1 and #2 - many guys in NYC love themselves way too much.) I'll even let go the fact that he misspelled "dinner" - after all, we know it might not be his mistake: Tom, Mackenzie, and all the other Post-bots are fully capable of botching up a profile posting. My only concern about a match with Dena: is she athletic at all? If not, they won't click.

Then again, I'm not sending Dena out with either Jonathan or Dan if someone as cool as Avi is around. So it'll be #3. My fellow readers agree, as Avi is solidly winning the online poll. Happy, happy times await.

Oh, and just in case I didn't make it clear earlier, Jenny sucks. Just had to get one more dig in. Enjoy a long reign, Queen Worst the II. *grin*