New York Times Modern Love: Add The Trophy Times Clip To The List

Well, what do you want me to say about this week's Modern Love? Martha Moffett's essay this week is an atrocity.

I began displaying him almost immediately, once I'd reviewed his credentials. They were just about right: Harvard, N.E.H. grant, a fellow at Yale, two sabbaticals in Africa, where he labored at compiling a Chamba dictionary.

Holy shit, please stop the madness.

Here's the thing: I'm not taking this as a literal reading, but rather as a display of mock-superficial sentimentality. However, one thing I've learned from this essay is this: mock-superficial sentimentality might not be as morally abhorrent as the real thing, but it's certainly as obnoxious to read in short semi-non-fiction.

I can't relate to this at all. I pass on the review.

So, while we're here and needing to fill the space, let's do a head-to-head matchup of Modern Love vs. Meet Market. I know that's the battle that everyone's been waiting for. Let's do this:

VS. - How Each Column Tackles Romanticism
ML: Hire a bunch of freelancers to bitch about their old ex-partners, because their best friends are clearly sick of hearing it.
MM: Set hipsters up on dates, pretend that someone's supposed to fall in love, report on the comical results.
Winner: Meet Market

VS. - Greatest Success Story (over the Lectern's review period)
ML: Kirsten Allen Major's movie-like happy ending
MM: Pamela and Ian
Winner: Modern Love

VS. - Greatest Disaster (over the Lectern's review period)
ML: Stephen Elliot can't keep a girl to himself.
MM: King Worst Red Ryan and Former Queen Worst Jenny
Winner: Meet Market

VS. - Funniest Moment
ML: Spike Gillespie:

...all I could do was lube myself up with alcohol and fall into bed with one man or another, all of them terribly wrong.

MM: Youri's Mountain Climbing Expedition
Winner: Modern Love

VS. - Very Very Gay
ML: Dan Savage
MM: John the actor (the first potential pick for that week)
Winner: Modern Love

VS. - Most Likely to Dodgeball You
ML: Sandra Barron
MM: Queen Worst Brooke
Winner: Modern Love

VS. - Dangerous Activities
ML: Hitchhiking
MM: Cock Punching
Winner: Meet Market

VS. - Dubious Semi-Celebrity Appearance
ML: Dan Savage, once again
MM: Carmine Gotti
Winner: Modern Love

VS. - One Reason To Have Hope For Society
ML: The romantic movie to-be
MM: Jason the Closer
Winner: Meet Market

Final Winner: Modern Love

Ah, so that settles it. Even with a lot of stinker essays, Modern Love still leads the pack. Perhaps around this time next year, Meet Market can catch-up a bit and come out on top... or Modern Love may still dominate (so to speak). I guess we'll see...