New York Post Meet Market: The Curse of the Jewels!

Tom and Laura learn this week that if you play with bombs, sometimes you... um, blow up.

Kevin, in this case, was the bomb. I don't know why Erin picked him over the other two (well, one of them seemed to have a bit of a creepy profile), but sure enough, she went with the geek and she got a geek. She was so surprised, too!

The conversation was a bit strained. I tried to make the best of it and kept asking normal, open-ended questions. It struck me as odd that when I asked what his favorite book was, he came back with "I don't know if you are in to wrestling ..."

Hahahah! She sure did layeth the smack down on him!** How bad was this date?

The good news is that the food was wonderful and the staff divine. The service was impeccable - I would recommend Meli Melo to any of my friends. It's a lovely place for a first date.

Emphasis mine, as it was written such that this was the ONLY good news. What else happened?

...my phone rang, and thankfully it was my friend Corrin, with a "dire emergency" (mine). I told her to come down to the restaurant. She does. She sits at the bar. Kevin leaves. I join her and we laugh about what I might consider one of my worst dates ever.

Ah, the old escape plan! Never fails when done correctly... well, except that Kevin found it boorish yet still didn't pick up a clue. He says:

It was rude that she picked up her cell while I was talking to her. I tried to be nice and polite, but I guess nice guys finish last.

And yet he still gave her a heart and a half. At least she was honest about it: NO HEARTS! Haha! These two didn't have a snowball's chance in hell to begin with, and they're both rather clumsy with dating, so I won't lament any lost love here. Also, I won't assign any King or Queen Worst honors; that would just add insult to injury. (Plus, these two aren't really funny; they're just sad.)

**I know how old that reference is. I know the Rock hasn't been in the league in 3 years, and that he wasn't the epitome of coolness or talent to begin with. Most important, it shows clearly that I don't watch wrestling anymore. That's a good thing, men. Learn from my example.

Onto this week's daters! Can we get this train back on the track?

Maybe Sean can help us get to higher ground. Or not! What an ego on this one...

He modestly describes himself as "awesome," and says that if we were to ask his friends about him, they would say, "Sean is an enigma."

Cripes.

He's looking for a gal with "long brown hair, great skin and confidence."

Sean says his ideal evening would be "spontaneous," and that he loves the New York dating scene because "no one settles down, it's perfect." Indeed.

I left in that final "indeed" because you should picture Laura rolling her eyes while having to copy-and-paste that from his profile questionnaire. Did I mention he's a "musician/makeup artist?" And you see that "too-cool-for-school" look on his face in his profile picture? Yes, readers, this guy is doomed.

Onto the futile and merciless exercise of picking his next miserable date:

Kat is an "Assistant at Guggenheim". One, I'm not sure it's cool to be publishing company info with these profiles. That's just a little too much of a privacy violation, isn't it? Two, that sounds a little self-congratualtory: "I work at the Guggenheim." Oh, you're big shit, aren't you? (Sense a match coming? I do!)

How would you describe yourself? I definitely show two sides at any given time - the energetic, witty art-world girl who is constantly laughing at herself and entertaining everyone around her at modesty's expense, and the more serious, deadpan poet type who is observing everything about her. I beat a lot of balls ... but tell a mean story and with the voice of a porn star, to boot.

Emphasis mine, again. Well, she wears her ego on her sleeve too! Maybe this date won't be so miserable after all! Well, except when Sean gets his balls beaten! Ouch! Need ice for that, buddy?

Next, Kirsten, the PR assistant. The good things about Kirsten: she's humble, clean, intelligent, trustworthy, down-to-earth, and pretty! Almost perfect! I think I have a crush on her! (Do e-mail me if this Post thing doesn't work out.) But fellas, I've got bad news for you: RED SOX FAN. Never a Red Sox fan, and absolutely not in October. Next!

(Still email me, though; we'll get along great in the winter.)

Finally, we have Annie, the hot grad student.

If your life were a soundtrack, what song or specific lyrics would be playing? "There's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me."

Hit the slopes, anyone? Is Sean down for a night of the ol' Kate Moss? Just kidding, folks - this is why, though, it's most important to scrutinize your answers to dating profile questions. You don't want to give any answers that could be misinterpreted. Other than that, Annie looks like a superstar. Another solid pick for a nice guy.

But Sean's not a typical nice guy, is he? No, he's a rockstar-cum-Avon-lady! Let's see how hardcore he is when he gets a cock punch from Kat! Owwww! Ow ow ow! Seems like half the readers also have it in for Sean's balls to get busted, as he's leading the polls by a comfy margin. So, next week, come back for...

Dammit, between my laughing and crotch-flinching, I just can't come up with a good ending here! All I can say is that it's gonna hurt, a lot! Let's just have an emergency urologist on standby, please!