New York Post Dating: Valentine's Day Massacre!
Editor's Note to the Readers:
If you were around for last week's entry, you may have noticed my excitement and anticipation for this week's pending entry - in a "sick bastard" kind of way. Well, my readers, this week's Dating feature has exceeded all of my evil expectations... and, as a result, this week's review will be extensive and highly entertaining! I'm giddy! I'm ecstatic! I'm somewhat horrified! Let's begin!
------------
Of course, let's link to the NYP Dating contents page one more time.
I'm struggling to find the right creative, snide, or tongue-in-cheek way to say this, so I'll just blurt it out for you: Brooke lost the poll (and lost big time), but was selected as the date. Also, prior to this, she was the winner of last week's pre V-Day fashion contest. You cannot see the pictures online, but the print version shows her dressed very hipster-ish among a crew of ladies who make various glaring fashion faux-pas. Basically, she was handed a half-page picture feature on page 44 (or somewhere in that vicinity) mere days after being featured in the Dating column. And then, inexplicably, Eric decided that Brooke - despite her demands, attitude, and intolerance - was the right girl for him.
My heart beats fast with blood blackened by my complete disgust for Brooke, and her obvious pal Mackenzie Dawson Parks, for both giving undue attention to this undesirable girl and for possibly rigging TWO contests along the way. (Ms. Parks has her byline on all of these stories, as opposed to Tom Sykes who only has a byline on the dating column) I am outraged, even in the context that this is only a dating column. They've deprived two other nice girls (both of whom collected substantially higher poll votes) of the opportunity to date a nice guy and form a meaningful bond. They've tried (and failed) to fool the great city of New York into thinking that Brooke is the kind of girl that men want. Like hell she is. Being young, trendy, and smug is no way to go about winning the hearts of honorable people.
And now I ask with a big perky smile, how'd the date go?!
One word: Shitty!
Get this: the Post sent them to the premiere of the movie "Hitch." I pondered this choice a bit, and ultimately decided that, although it's not as bad as a live performance featuring sexually explicit language and visuals for a blind date, it's still an improper venue for really getting to know someone. A film premiere is an obnoxious event for anyone who lacks that vapid, star-struck quality in their personality. Without fail, mere mortals end up getting crushed by a crowd of paparazzi and rabid fans. Aside from being annoying, it's very distracting for a blind date scenario. Plus, there's nowhere you'll find class-ism in greater effect than an ultra-VIP populated film premiere, and that's a poor environment in which to try to get to know someone... unless you're the type of douchebag that judges someone on the cars they drive or the velvet ropes they can cross.
The date was really fun for the both of them individually, but this is likely because of the open bar and the celebrities surrounding them. Strangely, Eric mentions very little about Brooke except that she's dominant and gorgeous. (He mentions her outfit, which is just one hot pink shirt shy of being the exact same thing she wore in the V-Day fashion contest! Not that I can blame her, though - if she won the contest with the outfit, why not use it where it counts?) Brooke duly notes her own dominant leanings and dismisses Eric for not keeping up with her - and finds a few extra reasons to flunk him as a romance partner. Dislike me all you want for saying this, but I told you so!
By the way, "assertive" is not a proper synonym for "bitchy." Brooke doesn't really seem "assertive" here. If you know what I mean.
For having a snotty profile, for being the biggest-margin loser to be selected by a date, for turning her date into a drooling mess without finding any chemistry whatsoever, for (allegedly) getting her pal Mackenzie to go as far as to rig contests to get her name and picture in the paper, for saying things like "I made sure we got a limo home, no matter what celebrities were waiting" (Cruella DeVille wouldn't stoop to such a statement), for being yet another hipster clown, and for ruining my Valentine's Day, I'm officially crowning Brooke the Queen Worst Dater Ever.
------------
Luckily, Brooke isn't featured in this week's potential daters, although at this point I wouldn't be surprised. I guess that would have been too obvious, right? Look for Brooke to be re-seeded as one of the female date choosers in the future. For now, we have...
"Kristin, a 23-year-old beauty". She's a junior publicist in fashion who does the girl-wearing-a-blazer thing. (Note that anyone who does this in the future will be mercilessly compared to Brooke. But I'll try to get over that for now.) She offers the following Paris Hilton-ism:
So who's offering to play "Daddy, Please!" this week?
Jason, a 29-year-old lawyer who's profile does not reflect the sort of strong educational background you'd expect a lawyer to have. He seems rather simple. And that's a bad photograph. In all fairness, if he is indeed a lawyer, he'd be a wonderful father and family man. He might be a bit corny, lumpy, and non-intellectual, but those are the qualities of a perfect dad. However, Kristin is not the kind of child he should be getting...
Michael is a 28-year-old sales executive who seems to be pointing toward a serious, settled-down relationship. I'd immediately rule him out if it wasn't for the fact that Kristin claims, in her words: "I'm a grandma at heart." He might be able to keep up with her lifestyle (it's a long shot); she might find him to be the sort of tall, dark, and handsome rock (ala Mr. Big) that she can anchor herself to. Plus, maybe she's not as vapid as I'm making her out to be. (Remember, I blame the Post for sucking all intelligence out of people's dating profiles and substituting it with cheese, martinis, and old material from Us Weekly)
Matt's a fairly interesting law student. And he's quite tall. I'll leave him alone, he's nice and he's innocent (as are Michael and Jason). I just don't see him winning over Kristin, though. That's an instinctive opinion more than anything else, but I'll stick to it.
Based on potential, I'll choose Michael. None of these guys seem to be a close match to Kristin, though. The polling is all screwed up, with Matt and Jason leading Mike. Kristin is in none of these guys' leagues, so I'm foreseeing another disappointment one way or another.
Well, that's all for our big Valentine's Day extravaganza! Although love is not in the air this week, it's not often that we are given such a villain to root against! And now I have material for the rest of the year: I can compare all of the worst girls to Brooke until someone actually tops her - and the idea that someone can unseat Brooke as the Queen Worst is quite scary indeed! I had a lot of fun, and I hope you did, too! My parting words to you: ignore what you see in the newspaper, and try to find some of that old fashioned love out there...
If you were around for last week's entry, you may have noticed my excitement and anticipation for this week's pending entry - in a "sick bastard" kind of way. Well, my readers, this week's Dating feature has exceeded all of my evil expectations... and, as a result, this week's review will be extensive and highly entertaining! I'm giddy! I'm ecstatic! I'm somewhat horrified! Let's begin!
------------
Of course, let's link to the NYP Dating contents page one more time.
I'm struggling to find the right creative, snide, or tongue-in-cheek way to say this, so I'll just blurt it out for you: Brooke lost the poll (and lost big time), but was selected as the date. Also, prior to this, she was the winner of last week's pre V-Day fashion contest. You cannot see the pictures online, but the print version shows her dressed very hipster-ish among a crew of ladies who make various glaring fashion faux-pas. Basically, she was handed a half-page picture feature on page 44 (or somewhere in that vicinity) mere days after being featured in the Dating column. And then, inexplicably, Eric decided that Brooke - despite her demands, attitude, and intolerance - was the right girl for him.
My heart beats fast with blood blackened by my complete disgust for Brooke, and her obvious pal Mackenzie Dawson Parks, for both giving undue attention to this undesirable girl and for possibly rigging TWO contests along the way. (Ms. Parks has her byline on all of these stories, as opposed to Tom Sykes who only has a byline on the dating column) I am outraged, even in the context that this is only a dating column. They've deprived two other nice girls (both of whom collected substantially higher poll votes) of the opportunity to date a nice guy and form a meaningful bond. They've tried (and failed) to fool the great city of New York into thinking that Brooke is the kind of girl that men want. Like hell she is. Being young, trendy, and smug is no way to go about winning the hearts of honorable people.
And now I ask with a big perky smile, how'd the date go?!
One word: Shitty!
Get this: the Post sent them to the premiere of the movie "Hitch." I pondered this choice a bit, and ultimately decided that, although it's not as bad as a live performance featuring sexually explicit language and visuals for a blind date, it's still an improper venue for really getting to know someone. A film premiere is an obnoxious event for anyone who lacks that vapid, star-struck quality in their personality. Without fail, mere mortals end up getting crushed by a crowd of paparazzi and rabid fans. Aside from being annoying, it's very distracting for a blind date scenario. Plus, there's nowhere you'll find class-ism in greater effect than an ultra-VIP populated film premiere, and that's a poor environment in which to try to get to know someone... unless you're the type of douchebag that judges someone on the cars they drive or the velvet ropes they can cross.
The date was really fun for the both of them individually, but this is likely because of the open bar and the celebrities surrounding them. Strangely, Eric mentions very little about Brooke except that she's dominant and gorgeous. (He mentions her outfit, which is just one hot pink shirt shy of being the exact same thing she wore in the V-Day fashion contest! Not that I can blame her, though - if she won the contest with the outfit, why not use it where it counts?) Brooke duly notes her own dominant leanings and dismisses Eric for not keeping up with her - and finds a few extra reasons to flunk him as a romance partner. Dislike me all you want for saying this, but I told you so!
By the way, "assertive" is not a proper synonym for "bitchy." Brooke doesn't really seem "assertive" here. If you know what I mean.
For having a snotty profile, for being the biggest-margin loser to be selected by a date, for turning her date into a drooling mess without finding any chemistry whatsoever, for (allegedly) getting her pal Mackenzie to go as far as to rig contests to get her name and picture in the paper, for saying things like "I made sure we got a limo home, no matter what celebrities were waiting" (Cruella DeVille wouldn't stoop to such a statement), for being yet another hipster clown, and for ruining my Valentine's Day, I'm officially crowning Brooke the Queen Worst Dater Ever.
------------
Luckily, Brooke isn't featured in this week's potential daters, although at this point I wouldn't be surprised. I guess that would have been too obvious, right? Look for Brooke to be re-seeded as one of the female date choosers in the future. For now, we have...
"Kristin, a 23-year-old beauty". She's a junior publicist in fashion who does the girl-wearing-a-blazer thing. (Note that anyone who does this in the future will be mercilessly compared to Brooke. But I'll try to get over that for now.) She offers the following Paris Hilton-ism:
"I pretend to 'like' going to the gym, but really, I don't at all!"Really? Last time I checked, that was a bad thing for a bar-hopping female. I hardly find it amusing when someone wastefully spends money on something for vanity's sake and then doesn't find the motivation to keep up with it and packs on a dumpy ass as a result. (and for the record, this unimpressed writer DOES work out often to keep in decent shape)
She also loves going to the movies or out to dinner, "searching for random celebrities at NYC hot spots," playing with dogs, going to restaurants, shoe shopping - "or any kind of shopping, really,"... I've seen enough. I'm sure I need not elaborate on how I feel about this gem of a spoiled girl.
So who's offering to play "Daddy, Please!" this week?
Jason, a 29-year-old lawyer who's profile does not reflect the sort of strong educational background you'd expect a lawyer to have. He seems rather simple. And that's a bad photograph. In all fairness, if he is indeed a lawyer, he'd be a wonderful father and family man. He might be a bit corny, lumpy, and non-intellectual, but those are the qualities of a perfect dad. However, Kristin is not the kind of child he should be getting...
Michael is a 28-year-old sales executive who seems to be pointing toward a serious, settled-down relationship. I'd immediately rule him out if it wasn't for the fact that Kristin claims, in her words: "I'm a grandma at heart." He might be able to keep up with her lifestyle (it's a long shot); she might find him to be the sort of tall, dark, and handsome rock (ala Mr. Big) that she can anchor herself to. Plus, maybe she's not as vapid as I'm making her out to be. (Remember, I blame the Post for sucking all intelligence out of people's dating profiles and substituting it with cheese, martinis, and old material from Us Weekly)
Matt's a fairly interesting law student. And he's quite tall. I'll leave him alone, he's nice and he's innocent (as are Michael and Jason). I just don't see him winning over Kristin, though. That's an instinctive opinion more than anything else, but I'll stick to it.
Based on potential, I'll choose Michael. None of these guys seem to be a close match to Kristin, though. The polling is all screwed up, with Matt and Jason leading Mike. Kristin is in none of these guys' leagues, so I'm foreseeing another disappointment one way or another.
Well, that's all for our big Valentine's Day extravaganza! Although love is not in the air this week, it's not often that we are given such a villain to root against! And now I have material for the rest of the year: I can compare all of the worst girls to Brooke until someone actually tops her - and the idea that someone can unseat Brooke as the Queen Worst is quite scary indeed! I had a lot of fun, and I hope you did, too! My parting words to you: ignore what you see in the newspaper, and try to find some of that old fashioned love out there...
posted by Brian Van at
8:51 AM
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