It ain't over until the fat Idol sings

Looks like Ruben's weight problem is coming back to haunt him. (Like, duh, when you're 400 pounds, this shit's gonna happen)

Luckily, I didn't forget about Big Pun so quickly. Can I get a late entry in my death pool? Sorry Ruben, you're a nice guy, but you're sending me on a nice vacation next year with the winnings!

(I'm going to someplace worse than hell. I know this.)

Journalistic Inanity - What TV shows are in the can today?

It seems LAX is, as this horribly annoying article reports.

Seriously, who the fuck goes to college and becomes a writer so that they can draft up an article about an airport drama being cancelled, and then makes it a point to include 20 pseudo-clever references to air travel in the first 3 paragraphs?

*gag*

New York Post Dating: Dischordant

As usual, a link to the dating mainpage. I completely love what happened this week, and I've had a good column in me for a few days, so excuse me if I'm perhaps a bit giddy.

*hee hee*

So, we never found out who won the poll, because that garish head shot of Rob is still burned into the Post's website server. But we do know that Adam chose Lori after thinking it over a bit. Right from the start, you know that Adam is underwhelmed by all of his choices, and especially underwhelmed by Lori, as he reasons in a way that makes it sound like he's not very into Lori.

And now, a word from our sponsor, Moda... "The staff at Moda were very good. They brought us great food - including stuff we had not even asked for..." Thank you Ruth fucking Reichl.

Back to Lori - "...my first thought was that she did not look anything like her picture. She looked totally different - and definitely better!" Cripes! Can you say anything more roundabout insulting than that in a major metropolitan daily? (Oh, yeah, we're talking about the New York Post here. Even Elisa Lipsky-Karasz's softball gossip column is more offensive by an order of magnitude) "But I do try not to make snap decisions about people based on first impressions, so I tried to reserve judgment, go in with an open mind and just see how things would unfold." In other words - maybe we'll be friends if she'll come to my shows, maybe I'll let her have sex with me if I get drunk enough. Ugh. The rest of his side of the story is rather pathetic - sparks aren't there, he really doesn't have the time for dinner anyway, maybe they'll keep in touch... I think he's just being really nice about this - he really is not impressed by her at all.

To make this even more painful, she actually likes him! She was physically and emotionally attracted, she's being cautious about the prospects (in a way that reminds me of every other New Yorker's reaction when they date someone that they'd like to follow around like a lost dog for the rest of their lives), and she ends her response with some therapy-enhanced self assurances so that she'll be prepared for the inevitable letdown. How sad! Keep taking your meds, girl. He's gone. I'll buy you a drink sometime.

Damn you, Col Allan. DAMN YOU! I warned against this. *sigh*

Whosit gonna be this week?

Mousy Ali - I hate the photographer, I really do - is a running enthusiast. Slightly cynical, mostly nice, hates drama, doesn't go for cocky guys. Wow, I'm glad I'm not on this list of male daters, as I'd be immediately ejected:

Haldan is nice. But young. Other than the yoga thing (completely immasculine, if there's such a word), he seems like our hero for the week. Note that "hero" is not equal to "dating pick", but if it's any consolation, I'd buy this guy a round for being 8 years too young to be successful in dating. Getting laid, on the other hand, should be no problem for him as long as he finds all the NYU bars...

Chris... blech. Ugly face, ugly profession. Not very manly. And I don't buy the outdoorsy stuff... I bet this guy is the type of guy to take $10,000 worth of outdoor equipment with him when he goes "camping". Oi.

JJ is much much worse. A complete fop and a borderline caricature. He needs to be sent back to the 80's into the John Hughes movie from which he came. Seriously, didn't I see him the other day as a commentator on a vH1 special? But maybe that makes him a great date, if for no other reason than to give Ali another girlfriend...

Okay, this one was a tough choice. I looked at Ali, looked at her interests, looked at the three guys, and simply gave up. I stupidly gave my impulse vote for Haldan (I've since changed my mind), who has a measly 5.5% of the voting. The other two guys are running neck and neck at around 47-48% each. If you're going to ask me who among those two is the best fit, it's Chris. No, I don't like him, but Ali is an ad executive and perhaps fits well with Chris's yuppietastic personality. JJ is probably a fun drinking buddy for a girl, but not this particular girl. (Don't you think advertising can be a dry industry at times? I think so) I think she'll choose Chris, but in the end everyone loses. (as always!)

See you next week, when we use another trainwreck date as an excuse to pimp out a trendy restuarant once again...

November 23, 2004

I'M... ALIVE!

But just barely.

The news is kinda slow, which I figure because nothing new from the last time I mentioned headlines has appeared except for the brawl at the Pistons-Pacers game. My only comment to that saga: can we do this at a Lakers' game sometime? I want to see Artest go after Jack Nicholson. Why? Because Jack would kill him. And it would be very funny. Trust me on that one.

Today's birthday is the lovely Kelly Brook. I think anyone with half of a testicle left, including Lance Armstrong, will know exactly who I'm talking about. Single men should know her like married men know their wives. And you deserve a photo of this gorgeous flower.

New York Post Dating: Fish in a barrel

Here's the link to the dating mainpage...

Readers chose nutty-looking Rob last week (dear God, that B&W of him is hideous - the anti-head-shot) but Cynthia chose close-runner-up Michael. Well, since I'm in a good mood this week, I'm happy to say that they had a good date! Remember what I said about good people? Give them a chance. He did well for himself. The both of them are not ruling out anything, which I think is the best news of all... they will be happy no matter which path they choose. (Normally, what's considered a "successful date" ends up with two people playing games and avoiding each other - best to keep a steady fire and not burn out brightly) I look forward to seeing their wedding announcement mocked in Veiled Conceit.

Who are the next contestants on "The Post is Right?"

Adam, the rock star! "Bling Bling"? Kill yourself! Seems otherwise like a decent guy. The Post certainly went out of their way to make him look like a decent guy...

... to be paired with...

Megan - tall, superstitious, pro alcoholic, jogs less than 2 miles! She produces commercials. Okay, I can't complain too much, but it'd be a quick relationship with Adam as they don't have much in common other than the fact that she's cute and he's in a band (which probably fits both of their short-term interests perfectly).

Nadera - you don't hold a fucking candle to Rosario Dawson, babe. And you look horrible in that Marilyn Monroe dress. You're trying too hard! And all of your boyfriends are flighty? Not a good thing to admit in a dating profile. Shame on the Post for not doing some heavy editing on this. (And if they did, I'd consider a libel suit) This was just a badly done profile on a girl who could be cute if prepared properly...

And Lori... Lori, Lori, Lori. A nice, seemingly decent person, yet the Post has wronged you by placing you here. You are completely not in this contest. In this terrible world, there's a hard rule of dating that cannot be breached - a person is NOT going to successfully date someone completely distant from themselves on the looks or sexuality scale. (look up the Ladder Theory to see what I'm talking about) I hate to say it, but Adam and Lori are so far apart in this respect that they don't match well at all. (I'm not going to give away which person is the uglier, less charming, or less overall appealing of the two, but I need not give you a hint. )

Ehhh, I gotta go with Megan. And so did nearly 70% of the voters. Tune in next week, when these two go on a date and let us know why they weren't attracted to each other afterward (while only having nice things to say about the other person... what a crazy world!)...

November 17, 2004

I'm back. For two posts.

No birthdays. Down to biz:

* Half of Bush's administration resigns. Ummm, so much for a "re-election" when more than half the faces in the building will be new or in different positions.

* Star Jones, aka "Bridezilla", finally gets married, commits more brazenly tacky and boorish acts than we could have possibly imagined. I'm totally hoping they bring Donald Trump on "The View" to can her ass with a nice, hearty, "You're Fired!" and cast her off into celebrity oblivion.

* RIP Ol Dirty Bastard, who rung up everyone's death pools harder than Rick James sitting down with Charlie Sheen, Tara Reid, and a box of white powdered rat poison.

* Fights at rap awards. *YAAAAWN*

* Female aid worker, held hostage, brutally murdered in Iraq, caught on videotape and played on TV. Western world outraged, Arabs rationalize death as the sort of thing that may happen in these kind of situations. Meanwhile, a single Marine stupidly and brazely kills an unarmed Iraqi. Arab world outraged, Westerners rationalize death as the sort of thing that may happen in these kind of situations.

* People died in New York City. And many others are on trial for killing people in New York City. That sums up all the local news.

* Raj from The Apprentice keeps getting laid.

* New York Giants become's Vegas' favorite whipping boy, collapse late in the year (hey, they got FIVE wins this time! woo hoo!)

* Something about Steinbrenner, Pedro, Sheffield's wife, R Kelly, and Michael Jackson.

* Sears gobbles up K-Mart whole. Reminds me of when we knew this guy who had a boa constrictor and fed live mice to it in front of the whole neighborhood. Capitalism is fun!

* Cablevision sucks. The Knicks suck. The Rangers aren't even playing and they suck.

And now, for our feature presentation, coming up next...

You forgot "a drunken champagne orgy"

From Page Six today:

For one week only, Moet & Chandon will operate an "M Lounge" at 410 W. 14th St. to host four parties: a bubbly fueled bash for Kelly Killoren-Bensi mon's new fashion tome, "American Style," on Monday; a fizzy fete for the cast of the Broadway revival of "La Cage aux Folles" on Tuesday; a cork-popping party for Ashanti's new album, "Concrete Rose," on Wednesday; and an effervescent "cel ebration of art and life" hosted by painter/provocateur Peter Tunney on Thursday.

November 12, 2004

Happy birthday, you stunning doll you...


...now just stop doing all those cheesy kid movies and get a real acting career. Take some "artistic chances", won't ya?

(You know, like Halle Berry in "Monsters Ball" type artistic chances)

In other, terrible news, I just had my career re-adjusted for me, so I won't be sitting comfortably at a terminal come Monday morning. Or, likely not, anyway. So... updates may be spotty after today. And yes, that sucks.

The stud won't stop

Apparently, Raj from The Apprentice ain't done yet trying to seduce the ladies.

Seriously, now I'd prefer to meet this guy more than Trump himself. Hey, people at the Learning Annex, can we rent out the Javitz Center for a weekend to have HIM speak?

November 11, 2004

Happy birthday to Kurt Vonnegut, a glorious 82 years old today. God bless him.

(And no, I didn't forget Stanley Tucci, Demi Moore, and Calista Flockhart)

Sex all over TV lately

AXED APPRENTICE A LOVE STUD (NYPost Page Six)

LOL! I love this shit! This is the best news I've heard all week! Go Raj go! You horny devil, you! Fuck em all, fuck em good! Especially that hot piece of real-estate Jen C.!

(Like, seriously, I would have thought this guy couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a fistful of $50's, but apparently his charms work. Dude, hold a seminar sometime! Hook a brotha up!)

Yeah, I don't have anything particluarly interesting to say about this, but you know, it needs no comment. Enjoy.

Because drinking and driving go so well together

NASCAR lifts ban on liquor sponsorship

Ain't it funny how they kick out the cigarette sponsors (ick ick ick to them, really) and let the liquor sponsors back in? Trade one bad habit for another. Hey, when the liquor ads become a problem, just change everything over to the "High Times Magazine Cup Series".

(imagine a NASCAR race going at 20 mph because all the drivers are high. muahahaha)

Low Fidelity writing

(note: I've already posted a screencap of the movie "High Fidelity" on another post, so I'm not going to beat that concept to death, k?)

I noticed while reading a Gothamist article today that I was just terribly annoyed by everything that they write about music. Most of the articles make me feel like I know nothing about music - and I like music a lot. Coolfer's picks are good, but that's even annoying because I'm so busy often, and I can't justify taking the time or the expense to go out to see a band based on a two sentence description...

But then I sort of realized; I always hated music journalism. Always.

I used to have a subscription to Rolling Stone when I was a teenager. I read it religiously. I would still read it today if someone else were buying the subscription. However, I was always irked by the pretentious overtones of a good half of their recommendations; Radiohead was always accessible, but PJ Harvey? Back then, there were no MP3's, no iPods, and no ClearChannel mega-conglomerates. If you didn't DIG for something in a record store, and if it wasn't on the radio, then you simply never heard it.

Good music has now mostly disappeared from the airwaves, yet it remains in the hearts and minds of music journalists. Now, the problem is that ALL of the good music is inaccessible. Fewer good artists now have pressure to write hit singles because they wouldn't get played anyway. Concert tours are a joke. Hyped bands border on ludicrous. Yet journalists keep yapping on, using ever more colorful language to praise what they think are good bands. You can't hear any of them, but you can marvel at the language being used.

I don't think a music article is useful unless you can hear (at least a sample of) the music. Actually, I don't think any recent music articles are useful at all. Rolling Stone and Spin are good for doing celebrity profiles of hit bands. But they're increasingly poor at getting good music in the hands of hungry ears. No one, it seems, can effectively communicate what they heard while telling people what they love about it. And these are not the days of $5 concert tickets - it's very expensive and troublesome to see live performances. Hence someone like Coolfer spouting out 20 recommended shows a week compels me to do nothing except tune out. My eyes glaze over.

(Besides, in NYC, you CANNOT make impulsive decisions about live entertainment - everything needs a reservation, a set of frenzied phone calls to grab tickets at 9am on a Saturday before they sell out, an investment of $70 per person, and a wait outside the door for 5 hours before the venue opens)

It takes more than words on a page, otherwise they're doing the music an injustice.

Music reviews need to come with sound clips. And the mags should settle for the fact that they're a mouthpiece for liberals and a magnet for teenyboppers. 10 years later, I still don't know what's so fuckin great about PJ Harvey.
(I'm sure she's quite talented, though)

November 10, 2004

Happy birthday to Brittany Murphy, who represents the sad state of health affairs with sexually transmitted diseases in Hollywood. Congrats, I think?

New York Post Dating: Tight Pants Aren't Good

Hit The Post's Dating Site to see this week's articles.

It seems like Zach blew it with Minnie (a nice pick, going against the vote and picking the cutest and most likeable girl of the bunch), as Minnie didn't see a connection and Zach basically made a lot of excuses for not getting the job done. Zach's just a strange guy. I think he had a chance otherwise, because she did give him three hearts - three hearts gets you a closed mouth kiss goodnight, right? Oi.

What Zach remembers about the date is totally the opposite of what Minnie remembers. My personality analyzer says: Zach is self-obsessed and self-conscious (count the number of times that the subject of his sentences is "I"), where Minnie is balanced. Minnie remembers an actual date among two people. Zach can only think about what Zach did or didn't do.

Onto this week's victims:

Cynthia, web product designer. Curly red hair. Mmmmmmm. And she lives up to the stereotype, too! To quote: "passionate, energetic and enthusiastic" plus curious, intelligent and sensual. Here in man-land, we have one word for that: feisty! (Verdict: I like her. Good catch. What's she doing trying to find a date in the Post???)

She wants an honest guy. DO WE HAVE AN HONEST GUY IN THE AUDIENCE?!?

Michael might be honest. I'm honest too: what a shiny forehead! Nitpick: "What's your worst date experience? - Getting stood up by a woman I'd planned an elaborate date for. I bought tickets to see a band, and wound up going alone!" Not to say that doesn't suck, but that kind of date sounds REALLY FUCKING ELABORATE. Did have have to cancel his dinner reservations, too (another seemingly simple arrangement)? Ugh. An elaborate date involves a violinist at the restaurant when there normally isn't one there; a horse carriage ride by reservation through Central Park; and flowers and candles waiting in a posh hotel room. Tickets to see a band - decidedly NOT elaborate. Well, enough of my ranting - Michael's not a rapist, and that's all he's got going for him. NEXT!

Rob resembles all the wrong celebrities. Otherwise, he kinda sounds like me, which makes him hideous but perfect. It also explains why he's dateless. NEXT!

David's just damn weird. And we're plum out of potential dates.

Uhhh, after all that ranting I did about Michael, he turned out to be the best candidate. Consider it a dating lesson; even when you can find serious nitpicks with someone, that's often the least that can go wrong. Give good people a chance, because not everyone is good. But Michael is dragging behind in the voting a bit... Rob is winning. Mr. Ben Stiller with-weird-looking-grin look-alike might get the girl. He ain't gonna get far, though, as feisty Cynthia might have the best laugh not from his jokes but from the fact that he's (seemingly) 3 inches shorter than her.

(Yes, I know these things. Quite well, actually. Trust me)

That's all until next week!

While we're discussing Tara Reid

Page Six gives her another good roasting today...

And I totally agree - as a matter of fact, I demand that a reality show be centered around her life. Sure, it'll have to be aired on HBO along with all the other depraved programs they show after 11pm at night ("Watch 'The Tara Reid Show', followed by 'Real Sex #237'"), but I'll stay up for it.

November 9th, 2004

Uhhh... what happened? Where have I been?

Yes I've let you all down. I was completely absent for days. My explanation: I'm dead. Yes, I got run over by a subway train after being pushed on the tracks by Tara Reid for taking a photo of her deformed breast with my mobile phone.

I've managed, however, to come back to the realm of the living and get back to posting on here. Which is kind of spooky, so I'll move onto another topic...

Happy birthday to Nick Lachey, Sisqo, and Pepa from Salt-n-Pepa.
(That I could identify all three of those people in a lineup means that my death was probably for the best)

November 3, 2004

Just in case you want to be spooked on this post-election day, guess who's birthday it is?


Yeah, that doesn't bode well for Kerry - I think that outweighs the Redskins thing.

Creepy?

Is that the best you can do?

Lessons to be learned:

* When bored at work and writing mindlessly to a newspaper, have a friend stop you.
* Remove signature and full name when sending future "creative letters".
* New York is a really fucking tough dating town. Offer to take out a lonely girl on a date, and there's a chance some sex-starved bitter underpaid editor at a local weekly will peg you out as "creepy".
* When advertising future businesses, never run ads in The New York Press. Ever.
* Don't tell any of your friends when you might appear in the newspaper until it's actually printed and you've seen the final result.
* Post shit like this on Craigslist Missed Encounters next time.
* Do not post your rebuttal to a unflattering newspaper writeup on your blog, as you'll just stick out even worse.

November 2, 2004 - Democracy Sucks: Take the day off to vote? Sure!

Today is... COCKWAR 2004.


Which of these two rich pricks gets to stick it to America for the next 4 years? Find out in three weeks after Florida finally is rigged to the fullest extent and the Supreme Court has to step in!

I would like to see John Edwards as VP just to see a little more of Cate Edwards' luscious... ummm you know...

Fun with Cornholes

'Cornhole' Catching on Beyond Midwest (AP-Yahoo)

I followed this as a Yahoo mainpage link, thinking this might be a terribly misplaced reference to anal sex. Then I see it's just some stupid redneck game. Really really stupid. Something to do in red states when you're not watching Fox News Channel, eh?

In New York, it would have to be organic corn in a socially-conscious biodegradable sack tossed into a pothole on Fifth Avenue. I'm assuming that's why it hasn't quite caught on here yet.

NY Post Dating - Hot to cold

As I so dearly wanted to happen, Zoe chose George for a date straight out of hell...

...no, wait... it was a good date?

A really good date?!?!

Okay, there's gotta be a mistake somewhere here... he thinks she's really pretty (to be fair, her photo this week is 90 times more flattering than the one from last week), they were engrossed in conversation, they even went to a dive bar afterward and had more fun... and plus, they may have done the nasty at the end of the night?

Aiiieeeee! This can't be happening! This is supposed to end in tears and misery! What's going on here? Is the world upside down?

(no, I'm just a bitter person, I can't stand to see other people happy and in love, my only solace is that there's a good chance of me getting hit by a cab or bus someday... but enough about me)

On to this week's possible love story (aack, positivity sounds horrible. Must get used to it)...

Zach looks a little strange to me. But even worse, he seems really bland and non-exciting. He just doesn't seem like a great catch, although I can't put my finger on it. Maybe his profile was written up to make him look like a safe pick, which is a bad thing to do. Or, maybe he is just strange and/or boring, and it needed to be hidden. In any event, these girls have a challenge ahead:

Is Dawn, 24, assistant editor, a Conde Nastie? I don't know, but she sure is cute! And she seems to be non-exciting herself, which makes her a decent match for Zach.

Hayley, 24, might be a little spicier. She likes dancing and late-nights. (Hey, send her my way. Screw Zach).

And then there's Minnie, 23, with another bland profile but who is also super cute.
I think I have a crush on her!

Dawn's winning the voting so far. Which is fine because I'll gladly take Minnie. Also, can I express strongly enough how much I am indifferent about the results of this date? Whatever the choice is, they could dine in a walk-in freezer and blend in with the scenery. I'm not predicting disaster, I'm just completely unamused. This kind of pairing doesn't exactly sell subscriptions to the Post, you know.

I'm just not that into this book

Warning: Bitter but entirely sensible male ranting ahead.

He loves you not (NY Daily News)

Great. This should come with Bon Bons.

I do admit, the premise focuses on a good point: Men who play games are often, but not always, handling their relationships badly. I like a no-nonsense approach, so I can't disagree with the idea that women should avoid obsessing with rules and evaluate male behavior on its face value.

Still...

* Any advice that tells women to analyze relationship behavior in any way, shape, or form is bad advice.
* All of this "You go girl" crap is overplayed, old news, and nauseating
* Any dating book that casually ignores the severe faults of women in romance (especially if the book is about men's faults) is complete trash.

The biggest problem for women in dating is that they often don't know what the hell they want to begin with. (In contrast, mens' biggest problem is that they often fail to keep women happy or excited - but they sure do know how to make women go crazy, even if unintentionally) If you fail to address that issue on a case-by-case basis, then you're inviting disaster.

Hey, men ARE simple to figure out. We want sex, friends, and food. Give us ONE of the three and we're usually pretty happy. All you have to do is screen out the assholes. How come I can figure out if someone's an asshole within 5 seconds of meeting them, yet women seem to either not know or not care?

Oh well, at least you now have something to read when you're home all alone. With your cats and "Sex and the City" reruns.

Morning News O Rama

I'll give you the complete Page Six link because it's simultaneously an excellent edition and devoid of any real notable news. So just read the whole thing. (Can you smell laziness in the air? Oh yeah.)

I like the cover of the Post today, by the way. Heh.

In today's Rush & Molloy, Lorraine Bracco comes up with another gem:

"Real estate is like porn to me. I can't get enough."

So, on that note, shout out to our friendly blogger friends at curbed.com. Mmmmm. Porn has never been this satisfying.

Other news outlets are giving me trouble on this ugly Monday morning. I'll sum it up for you, though: A lot of people were killed yesterday, from both vehicular death and murder by deadly weapon. With that said, I just saved you a lot of reading.

Future Bond Villian of the Day

Girl With Rare Disease Doesn't Know Pain (AP-Yahoo)

November 1, 2004 - Disturbingly Hungover Edition

It really hasn't kicked in yet, but it will in a short while. I'm running off the fumes from last night. Damn you, Tanqueray.

Today's birthday is Anthony Kiedis, lead singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who turns a scary 42 years old today - scary because if he's 42, I don't even want to think about how old I am. Also, Mr. Kiedis stands prominently in a number of my tales of drunken debauchery, including one earlier this year where I approached him and screamed his name at a party. Damn you, chocolate martinis.

Find your own pic. You bastards.