New York Post Dating: Who wants to be a Comare?

Link to this week's (highly recommended) dating mainpage...

Sequence of events leading up to this week's date:

• Lev gets the choice of Youri, Jen, and Jamie.
• I write my column, bashing Youri and Jen (I'm sorry, I can't leave innocent people alone) and recommend Jamie.
• The public votes, leading to the following tossup in the polls: Jen, 37%; Jamie, 32%; Youri, 31%. That's the closest vote among 3 daters I've seen.
• Weirdly, on Saturday night, Jamie was removed from the page and not on the voting list. This suggested that Jamie didn't go on the date. I experience disappointment, knowing one of other two inferior girls would be picked.
• Sunday, I find out I'm correct: Youri was chosen.

I'm not one to pull any punches when someone visually disturbs me, so allow me to speak my mind: I feel like Youri is going to kill me in my sleep. Like an evil clown would. It's harsh, I know, and I admit that I can't put my finger on it. What is it about her? Is it her cheeks, her nose, her jawline, her smile, her makeup, her hair, her eyes? I cannot tell. Some combination of those traits leads to a result that resembles a caricature. I'm restraining myself, avoiding harsher adjectives and comparisons. Besides, why suggest that Youri needs a makeover when I've already established her personality flaws? That's more important, I think.

Quickly reviewing the date: it didn't work! *gasp!* The streak is broken! So sad... yet, a welcome relief from the cocky talk that preceded the last few dating columns. Highlights: Youri made a big deal about the fact that Lev went casual, because she apparently doesn't like being the only one wearing uncomfortable clothing on a date (dumbass); Youri did most of the talking (no surprise); and, most fun, the Post sent these two to The Mermaid Inn, a seafood restaurant, when Lev is allergic to shellfish! D'oh! (That would be quite a low mark for this column: someone dies)

Officially announced this week, but obvious to anyone who pays attention: the cost of the meals are comped by the hosting restaurant. This hurts the integrity of the dates in several ways: the rave reviews by the daters are indeed contrived and insincere (given the circumstances, I'm sure no one will say "geez, that meal was crap"); worse, the daters see this as the free meal sweepstakes, which means both daters can, and often do, treat the occasion as a no-pressure joke. Even as there are some advantages to all involved for this setup (low pressure is a great thing for a first date), the integrity of both the date and the column are out the window.

I'll add that paying the costs on a date is a major issue for daters - and I'm not sure it's a good thing to put that issue off until future dates. For example, a lot of guys will offer to split the bill for casual dates, and some girls don't like that - boorish of the ladies, and unfortunate for romance. On the other hand, some men will insist on paying the entire bill, but will also steer clear of anything too pricey - and cheap dates can be a turnoff. Some women in NYC know to hold out for investment bankers who can afford to whisk them away on a weekly culinary tour of the trendy Manhattan dining scene. There are broke men who can't pay, exceedingly cheap men who won't pay, broke women who are greedy and ask for extras, and other generally undesirable people who will be revealed upon the opening of the register. This is a complicated and prominent romantic problem, and I'm not sure if it's wise to factor it out of a blind date scenario. It's certainly nice of the Post to grab the check now, but what happens on date number two? If the arrival of the check is a serious issue for a real date, can we call it a real date if there's no check?

Moving along to next week's date, Carmine is 19 and...

Carmine Gotti Agnello? Carmine fucking Gotti?

I don't even know where to start. Pretty boy. Looks like a greasy punk chump. Reality TV star. Grandson of a notorious murdering mobster, yet not even worthy of the family name. If we're going to make this column a farce and bring in a celebrity, could we choose someone other than a basic cable reject, spoiled brat and heir to blood money? I don't need to tell you this guy has no redeeming qualities, right?

I've gone on too long already, so why even review his choices? Okay, I'll do it: three college-age groupies, review done. I chose Cheryl, who's making a serious run to get her picture under the definion of "vapid" in the dictionary (more so than the other two). She leads the voting; for the rest of us, no one wins.

New York Post Dating: Like seafood? Try the red snapper

Last week, we left off with Phyllis needing to choose among three guys. I wasn't too fond of Phyllis based on her dating profile, and I didn't think any of the guys were a particularly good match for her. I picked Dan, who I thought would be the best dating candidate not because he was a good find (he is), but because I thought he'd be intolerant of any bullshit on the date - and the result would be entertaining. Fast forward to this week's Meet Market column, and we see that Phyllis chose Neil, who I ruled out because I didn't think he'd find Phyllis to be his cup of tea.

Well, he must have lied about the makeup thing, because he definitely found her to be a good catch. (And she definitely wore a lot of makeup on the date) He found her to be easygoing - something I wouldn't have expected based on her admission that she feels the need to play games. They babbled on for a few hours over seafood at Ocean 50 and then carried things along to Pianos, everyone's favorite hipster hellhole. Have I mentioned yet that he's a screaming metrosexual? Or that he gives off signals that any cute girl in a trendy outfit would keep him happy enough?

I wish I had more to say, based on the hearts given (a lot) and the sanguine evaluations, but that's all there is. Really. They just did a lot of talking. They don't even recall what they said, or if anything stood out. Can I be a grinch and say that there's nothing here except two people who know when to cut themselves off in the middle of a soliloquy, such that both people feel like they're talking enough throughout the night? That's what you'll find in a lot of people nowadays: they like talking to themselves, about themselves, in front of a member of the opposite sex so that they don't feel lonely doing it - and so that they have a flimsy excuse for having sex with that person.

Speaking of people talking about themselves:

We thought Phyllis, 23, a pretty publicist with a passion for life, had made a smart move when she opted for Neil, a 26-year-old in corporate development. Were we right? Well, of course we were.

I'll give them enough credit by saying that their record has actually been pretty good since they stopped sending people to movie premieres and sex plays. We'll forget the frequent mismatches, awful dating venues, match candidates seemingly from outer space, and terrible profiles/photographs which used to be the norm leading up to a month ago. They've finally hit a success streak where they match a trendy girl to a casual, decent-looking guy, and somehow everything works without the girl aggravating the hell out of her date or making harsh judgements about the guy's manners/bank account/looks. If you had told me the column was lying for the past four weeks and each date ended on one of those crash-landing results, I'd believe it. Either the authors have found a truckload of mellowed-out girls to put in the column, or they're just having amazing luck.

Enough with the blabber, onto this week's matchup: Lev is the guy picking one of three girls for a date (+ restaurant review). He has normal interests, has a sense of humor, looks handsome enough, has reasonable expectations for a potential dater, and doesn't give any warning signs. Okay, maybe there's just ONE warning sign: he likes heckling at sports events. I personally might enjoy that sort of thing in a friend (seriously, there's nothing better than a good heckler at a sports game), but that might be something girls aren't interested in. In any case, at least we know he has a passion for sports, hence we should rule out any girls that seem uppity about male interests; you know, like Queen Worst.

His choices:

Youri scares me. In a lot of ways. I don't want to write a page about how she's flunked miserably here, so I'll quickly summarize: people consider her "obnoxious" by her own admission; she's been on "a million dates", also self-indicated; and although she doesn't have an iPod (you know, that $400 music player toy), she brags about the fact that she'll buy one soon. Umm, no, I won't be taking this one home to Mom anytime soon.

Jennifer seems a bit better. That is, if you only read the first and last questions. She has little time for a relationship, and her worst date story reveals that not only committed a cardinal dating sin once, but that she doesn't even really take the blame for it. ("I made plans with a man a week in advance and didn't get a call to confirm." Buy a fuckin calendar, lady!) I'm not down with this one either.

This leaves us with Jaime, and since we're down to the end, I'll try not to nitpick:

What's not sexy? Arrogance.

Good answer! Forget the rest, I give my stamp of approval.

At this early stage of the polling, Jennifer's got a slight lead over Jaime - but it's close. Youri is far behind. Lev has the final say no matter what, and I think he's going to see that Jaime's a nice girl and a safe bet. If he's a poor judge of character, he might go for Jennifer. I hope not. After all, somewhere in my rotten soul, a soft spot wants to see the winning streak keep going.

Catch ya next week.

NY Post Dating Bonus: Dating Up, Dumbing Down

HOW TO DATE FOR FUN AND PROFIT (March 17, 2005)

This article, written by a familiar face (Mackenzie Dawson Parks), is little more than a cheap advertisement for a dating book by Leil Lowndes. No, I'm not going to mention the book by name, because that would be even more cheap advertising! The book is about shooting for the moon on the dating scene. An example quote from the story:

Lowndes contends that daters should forget about "peasants" and set their sights on "royals" — individuals who have a combination of money, charm, intellect and stability.

*barf*

Hear that, all you peasants out there? Just kill yourselves on Darwin's altar already. You've been forgotten by all the readers in the Post.

Sample tips:

• * THINK LIKE A HORSE TRADER ("Recognize that people have a "value" and a "price."")
• * CHANGE YOUR LOOK ("Isn't this faking it? Yes, but it's for a good cause")
• * DITCH YOUR APARTMENT

About the only sensible tip in the entire article is "Don't wear glitter." I'll second that motion; I wouldn't advise that you in any way dress up like it's 3rd-grade Halloween. That said, the rest of this article is trash.

I almost feel like writing a letter to the Post on this one, reminding them that they're not addressing their readers anymore. Articles like this are made for people dumb enough to think this way, who often do not or cannot read. Meanwhile, everyone else must stand the indignity of a 25-cent newspaper (any cheaper would be free!) telling them that they need to find a partner with more money - implying that they don't already have enough.

You're right, I do need more money - so I can buy the Times instead of this crap.

New York Post Dating: Motion Sustained

Our weekly pointer to the Dating section...

Matt, sharp as a dagger, chose Sarah. Voting ended up roughly where I found it on Thursday (with Pam giving a respectable second place, and Alicia picking up table scraps).

We sent them to Rosa Mexicano on 62nd Street at Lincoln Center, hoping they would come out of the date with a contract for love. Did our crafty plan work?

Crafty plan? Which part is the crafty part, your conspicuous ad for Rosa Mexicano, or the fact that you're pairing off two people with something remotely in common (for a change)? Seeing the words "our crafty plan" in the New York Post provided a hearty laugh. It's possible that crafty is referring to arts and crafts; I get the feeling that they're sniffing large quantities of glue.

Sarah's view on the evening is very much fair, although Matt got called out for using "hair products." Heh. She isn't bowled over by him, but she likes him and even is considerate of differences in opinion. She took sharp notice of the fact that he's a Republican, as she's an active Democrat. Matt seemed a little less enthusiastic about Sarah in his take on the evening; oddly enough, he gave her a higher rating than she gave to him for the date.

They both seemed to have fun, but they haven't found burning chemistry yet. That's quite fine, and I think they should continue dating regardless. They both enjoyed the evening, and I think they have potential.

I had a hard time trying to make sense of things this week. Unlike in previous weeks, when the daters' evaluations have usually made sense as a whole, it seems as if both daters were given a Q&A session and the answers were clumsily placed together without the questions. As a result, it was a bit confusing to read their opinions. One can easily surmise that they were both bored on this date and are looking for something more exciting. The generally high ratings are a surprise in context of the responses. In spite of this, I find that these two have much in common where it counts, and time may lead to a fruitful romance for these two.

------------

Feeling rosy and warm with love? Don't get used to it.

This week's date picker is Phyllis. She's 23 and she's wearing a blazer, a lace camisole, and pearls - and a lot of makeup. Who do you think this reminds me of? Arrgh!

"I'd describe myself as a firecracker - full of life and personality," she tells us. "I'm sharp as a whip, and I say what's on my mind...oh, and I'm pretty cute, too!"

She's quite young and definitely bold, but is there anything redeeming about her?

She also looks for a guy who is intelligent and well-dressed. Affectionate men who are close to their families - "as close as I am to mine" - will score major points as well.

That's not so bad. Still, this is all you need to know about Phyllis:

Phyllis admits that she enjoys the "thrill of the chase" in dating - that said, "I imagine when I find the right guy, I won't feel the need to play games."

So, fair advice to whoever gets selected for this date: fire and retreat. She's certainly attractive and enjoys dating (as well as the amorous stuff that comes with it, likely), but she'd make a horrible girlfriend. So, go for the amorous stuff ASAP, then get the hell out of there. Don't feel bad, either; after all, you'll have satisfied her "thrill of the chase".

Blech. Rarely have I given up at this point in the matching process, but I'm almost inclined not to even look at the guys. Still:

Rob, in full Nosferatu getup. (Dude, get out in the sun a bit more often) Honest to a fault. Party guy. He likes intense women; he likes sincere women; he likes it when a girl has a slight nerd quality. I just don't see a match, but he provides a great quote:

What's not sexy? Willful ignorance.

Amen, brother! I take this as a swipe at "Girls who don't answer their voicemails when they don't feel like dating a guy anymore." That's a well-deserved stab. And Phyllis probably does shit like that. Next!

Neil is listed as 26, looks 30+. He works in Corporate Development, which means he probably should avoid talking about work forever. Not that I dislike him, but the guy seems about as uninteresting as his job. Here's the deciding line:

I'm not into girls who wear tons of makeup.

And you're out. Next!

Dan's a beefy financial manager, not a pretty young boy. He seems much more interesting than the other two, though. When he describes himself, there's a sense of honesty and sincerity in his words, as if he's not faking it for a dating profile; you'd want to talk to him about his interests. Hell, I think I wanna be friends with this guy and buy him a few rounds. (Wait a sec - this is starting to sound like I'm turning gay. I better quit now.) I think he's definitely looking for the right things in life, and he's a great dating candidate for the right girl. Ah, the tragedy - if he gets picked, he's going to end up with Phyllis!

So much for the rosy feeling. Although these guys aren't so bad (unlike some picks in recent memory), I just feel terrible about having to pair any of them up with Phyllis.

In light of this dilemma, I'm going to do what I always do when I'm terribly vexed: I'll put on my evil mask and try to go for the worst (and most amusing) result! Among all of these guys, Dan's great with words, and he's the one who would probably look most unfavorably upon bullshit out of any of these guys. Sure, some guys talk a good game, but Dan looks like he'd back it up. Most likely, his review of Phyllis will be merciless! Yay!

Dan's winning the voting, but I assume that the voters aren't all jerks like I am. See you next week! *giggle*

New York Post Dating: The Power Of Love!

I know I'm really late this week. Here's the link, which expires soon (so hurry!), but since many may not make it in time, I'll make an extra effort to make it up to you with details.

Celine Dion went with Ian for the date choice, and guess what - she's not Canadian, she's Belgian. Hey, this author is Belgian too! I like her already! You know, except for that goddamn Titanic song.

Anyway, Pamel... whoops, almost slipped up there, I meant Celine... met Ian down at the Silverleaf Tavern for some drinks and dinner, and they immediately started slobbering over one another. I mean, in their writeups, not on the date. Well, they almost did in real life, seemingly. Anyway, the feedback, with all the irrelevant parts cut:

Ian -

I sat down at the bar, trying to get into the proper "Blind Date" zone - i.e., minimal expectations mixed with high hopes... I made small talk with the female bartender to take my mind off the insanity inherent in blind dating... Pamela walked in fashionably late... I usually don't date Europeans as a rule, but Pamela seemed a great exception... I had Pamela sitting in my lap within the first 20 minutes of meeting her. Talk about a great icebreaker!... it felt like total synchronicity. We were even dressed in the same colors!... Pamela told me all about her television show and the fact that she could speak four languages... We closed the place down. I walked Pamela to her front door... and ended the evening with a kiss on the cheek. Pamela is an amazing woman, and I look forward to seeing her again. Thanks, New York Post.

Celine -

We had a fabulous time, because we complemented each other on everything. For instance, I was saying that I wanted to go to China, and he had been there; he wants to go to Japan, and I had been there... It was snowing outside, which was really romantic... within five minutes of being with Ian, I felt a connection... He showed a genuine interest in what I had to say, and he was able to develop a conversation so well. And he looks pretty good, too - that helps!... We talked about everything from past relationships ... I always think it is important to talk about relationships because that is how you get to find out how the other person approaches it... I don't really do the whole "dating" thing... I am always interested in a good conversation and New York is the best place for that. It's so cosmopolitan and you meet people who make things happen... it was just tremendous fun to chat to this great guy for four hours straight.

That was almost, but not quite, thoroughly unbearable. I have a pressing question: how did the both of them make so many mistakes and yet come out of the date adoring one another? They were talking about prior relationships, Celine did a lot more talking about herself than she picked up details from Ian, they basically babbled on mindlessly for four hours (a typical friendzone trap), Celine doesn't typically date, and Ian never met a woman he didn't like. Yet they still gave each other four hearts. And they're continuing to see each other, so their hearts will go on.

Let's move on.

Matt looks alright. The shirt is way too big, though. He's a law student from Long Island who likes jogging (much better than saying "I work out") and time spent with friends. He does use a cliche, but then immediately apologizes. Well, at least he knows. He's got high expectations in a female; he's looking for a brainy attractive gal with a sense of humor.

He's been checking out the New York dating scene lately, and isn't quite sure what to think of it "I think it's kind of sad and unfortunate, given how many talented people there are living in this city," he tells us. "Then again, the fact that I'm in The Post does not speak well for myself."

Best! soundbite! ever! Yes, the NYC dating scene is a tragedy! And being referenced in the Post is ignominious! How honest and succinct! We gotta get you laid, dude.

Pamela is 22 and has fire hair and green eyes. Oooh. In that case, maybe I'll overlook the possibility that her portrait is cut off at just the right spot to hide a huge flabby belly and thunder thighs; and she alludes to that fact in her profile, too! But don't listen to my opinion, please. If Matt likes that sort of thing - and he never said he didn't - then there's no problem, right? Her profile otherwise reveals a fun, likeable person who doesn't seem to have any screws loose. She's got pricey tastes, but Matt's gonna be a lawyer so that's no problem.

Can we top Pamela? Yes! Sarah is a very cute law student. Hey, Matt's a law student too! Can they copy each other's homework? That would be romantic! She's from Texas (giddy up), she insists on Coors Light, she's adventurous and ambitious without being arrogant, and she does karaoke. Down to earth, sweet, and very likeable. Matt, take Pamela and leave Sarah for me... I'll be a good wingman, I promise. *wink*

We've still got one more - Alisha the web manager. She's been doing it since the age of 15 (so she started in 1996, when it was a young, small industry - a workaholic, perhaps). For some reason, she stumbles on the "best date ever" question, making it look like she's never had a good date or doesn't like to talk about past experience. I think she's likeable otherwise, even if not that interesting, but...

... in this tough field, Sarah stands head and shoulders above the rest. In the voting, Sarah has a comfortable lead over Pamela, who has a respectable percentage of the voting herself. Alisha just didn't light anyone's fires. I like Sarah and Matt as a couple; let's see if they can keep the success streak going.

Enjoy the weekend, folks...