New York Post Dating: Now With More Ugly!

Our action starts here...

Josh, our loveable computer consultant and hunk of Grade A beef, chose Lisa, our user-approved (poll-winning) female matchup. They were sent off to Raga, some restaurant that gets approval from at least one the daters. (not to say that I found Lisa's endorsement entirely convincing... wait a minute, we're supposed to talk about the daters! Fuck the restaurant!)

Summary: Josh and Lisa had a cool date, but don't match together as well as one would hope. I observed that they both conducted themselves acceptably - although Josh was a bit clumsy, with his smoke break and stubborn outlook on theater. A relationship is a no-go; I'd be surprised even if they remained friends. (the sticking points were things they didn't have in common; what are they going to do, keep dating and being nice to one another?) In the end, neither of them are poison in the dating pool; Lisa deserves a great guy, and Josh, perhaps after a little polish and confidence (maybe he could hire Hitch?) and maybe after quitting smoking (sheesh, haven't we learned anything by now?), should pick himself up and find another one. They're both nice, interesting people and I wish them the best.

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So much for a matchmaking column. What are we, 2 for 15 now since I've started tracking? Aye carumba! I think if Isiah Thomas was half as good as a matchmaker as he is a general manager, he'd have a better record than this! But at least Tom and Mackenzie are giving me a weekly distraction from the Knicks right now (God bless the two of you for that), so let's continue and hope for the best with our next matchup:

Oh no, it's Celine Dion! She's wearing neck-stretching African tribal jewelery, too! Is Celine wearing a blazer? You know how I feel about people wearing blazers! (I'll let it slide, Celine. It's a good look for you. Any more reminders of Queen Worst, however, and you're going to suffer major point deductions, okay?) Pamela's answers even remind me of things Celine Dion would say in an interview:

Pamela is looking for someone with a generous smile and a great sense of humor; someone who is "intelligent, but without showing off; who can really love a woman and know how to celebrate her."

The only part that doesn't fit in the equation is her profession as a television producer and writer; she seems to have a gentle personality and soft features (vegetarian, yoga enthusiast), but from what I understand, you need to be a shark to get by in that industry. Also, a big warning sign: I decoded her answers to read, "My dreams, love me, celebrate me, I dislike when you don't hear me, looking for a man who knows how to treat a lady." Sounds like a diva!

(and no, I won't get over the Celine Dion thing, I'll be calling her Celine next week too)

So who's up for the role of "Really Creepy Old Guy Manager/Husband?" (note: this is where it gets really fun)

Jacob is a 32 year old ugly law student. I can't accurately describe him, except that his combination of fair-freckled skin, reddish hair, big ears, and squinty black bead eyes is far outside my definition of "handsome." Quotables:

When I'm not in school, I enjoy working out at Equinox, listening to '80s hits, hanging out with my friends and tango dancing.

Every guy enjoys working out, Mr. Cliche. Listening to 80's music makes you either a nerd, a cocaine addict, or gay. And, tango dancing? (I HATE it when people list dancing as a "like-to-do" thing in a dating profile - chances are, you don't dance one goddamn bit when you're not out with a willing date!) The part about being ADD plus being patient makes me think he's trying too hard to be agreeable. His definition of sexy makes him sound like either a pervert or a frequent strip club patron. All in all, he's a risk.

Ian is a 34 year old ugly filmmaker. His looks are barely reminiscient of Eric McCormack, except Eric is a finely polished gem of a pretty boy and Ian is a rough cut. He buries himself with the dating history answer. His answer to "What's not sexy?" ("Toxicity, messy drunks, bad teeth and insecurity.") makes me think he's a magnet to those types of girls, never a good sign. The question about animal resemblance - umm, I think The Post should deep-six that question once and for all because I've never seen a good answer to it. He claims he had a bad date with a girl who had colitis - hey, buddy, if you made her colon swollen, I think you did something right! (ba dum ching!) Ian's another guy whose answers reveal a boring person trying extra hard to land someone nice. I give him a few points on top of Jacob; let's check out the third guy.

(one look at Stephen) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy shit, he comes off like someone you'd meet at the bar in a Tokyo hotel. Karaoke, anyone?
No, I'm not racist. It's just that, between the Asian businessman getup and the dull answers, he looks more like a NYC tourist than a resident. So lame!

What three things can you not live without? My Internet connection, money and a friend.

I'm not going to even go into the possibilities from that answer - they range from boring to creepy. He set a new low for the "worst date" answer in admitting weakness. Are they really that desperate for male daters such that someone with a profile this bad gets approved? This guy REALLY needs a visit from Hitch. Out.

I choose Ian. He seems to be the least bumbling of the three. Most of the readers agree, as he's leading so far in the polls that it makes Reagan/Mondale look like a fair fight. In any case, it's going to be one comical date! (*giggle!*) See you next week!