New York Post Meet Market: He's Quite A Youngin'
The all-new Tom & Laura Show is up for scrutiny again this week:
Can I get through last week's date quickly? Let's give it a try: Martha picked Eric, Martha likes Eric, Eric likes Martha, and they'll probably remain just friends. They're a couple of music-loving hipster mopes, so this was the best possible romantic result. Of note is the fact that they departed from one another at Union Square, so feel free to attribute both of them with separate L.E.S. and Williamsburg addresses, naturally. My only burning question: since they're both former DJs, did either of them try to talk to the manager at Piola to see if one of them could get on the turntables? (Knowing that hipsters do shit like that all the time, and that Italian restaurants don't have turntables, you're supposed to laugh at that.)
This week's chooser is Jake, the full time comedian who missed a date with Amanda but is now up for more Meet Market laughs. His profile this time is cleaned up a bit from the attempt at a laugh-riot he had up the last time (when I called him a freak, literally). If anything, this displays the contrast between Laura and Mackenzie, International Woman of Mystery; while Laura is compassionate and thoughtful, Mackenzie had a wicked sense of humor and let everyone live and die by their own bizarre answers to the profile questionnaire. While the matches might turn out better, Laura just made my job a lot harder. (Thanks, Laura! *sneer*)
Who are we going to set up Jake with? No one in his age category, apparently! He's listed as 23 years old, while none of his dating matchups are younger than 28! (One is 33.) True, age ain't nothin' but a number - yet I have a feeling that this fact alone means there's a practically zero chance of any setup turning into a long-term romance. Women simply do not pursue younger men in most circumstances - and in the rare cases that they do, Jake is not the type of strapping young male that those kind of women pursue. So we're basically looking at a loss already. But we'll give this match our best attempt.
Michele is a non-vampire assistant:
Lovely. I hope it's an Italian restaurant again next week.
I can already see she's too serious for Jake, unless she's going to be his adoring audience or something like that.
Next is Naomi, a "technologist." I have no idea what a technologist does, other than bullshit on their dating profiles about what they do for a living. She enjoys chick lit and weekly dinner dates. In other words, not the type to be dating a comedian.
Our story of the week:
Fucking scary! You date the wrong men, babe! But at least we now know that "technologist" is not a cover for being a $2 prostitute, so I'm slightly relieved. So I've narrowed her career down to medical technician, IT support, or Best Buy stockperson.
Finally, we have Dorie, the 28 year old. She's an event planner; maybe she can book Jake on a couple of gigs! Also:
Jake has a brutally overwhelming sense of humor! And we have a winner!
The polls agree with my assessment; Dorie is winning. Let's hope Jake makes the right choice and disappoints Dorie by being 10 years younger, 1/10th as rich, and 20 times more goofy-looking than she'd prefer. Maybe she'll even use the romance-killing phrase, "You're 23? Aww, you're still a baby!"
(Methinks the Post's summer winning streak is over. And won't be back for a while.)
Can I get through last week's date quickly? Let's give it a try: Martha picked Eric, Martha likes Eric, Eric likes Martha, and they'll probably remain just friends. They're a couple of music-loving hipster mopes, so this was the best possible romantic result. Of note is the fact that they departed from one another at Union Square, so feel free to attribute both of them with separate L.E.S. and Williamsburg addresses, naturally. My only burning question: since they're both former DJs, did either of them try to talk to the manager at Piola to see if one of them could get on the turntables? (Knowing that hipsters do shit like that all the time, and that Italian restaurants don't have turntables, you're supposed to laugh at that.)
This week's chooser is Jake, the full time comedian who missed a date with Amanda but is now up for more Meet Market laughs. His profile this time is cleaned up a bit from the attempt at a laugh-riot he had up the last time (when I called him a freak, literally). If anything, this displays the contrast between Laura and Mackenzie, International Woman of Mystery; while Laura is compassionate and thoughtful, Mackenzie had a wicked sense of humor and let everyone live and die by their own bizarre answers to the profile questionnaire. While the matches might turn out better, Laura just made my job a lot harder. (Thanks, Laura! *sneer*)
Who are we going to set up Jake with? No one in his age category, apparently! He's listed as 23 years old, while none of his dating matchups are younger than 28! (One is 33.) True, age ain't nothin' but a number - yet I have a feeling that this fact alone means there's a practically zero chance of any setup turning into a long-term romance. Women simply do not pursue younger men in most circumstances - and in the rare cases that they do, Jake is not the type of strapping young male that those kind of women pursue. So we're basically looking at a loss already. But we'll give this match our best attempt.
Michele is a non-vampire assistant:
What are three things you can't live without? Music/art, water and garlic.
Lovely. I hope it's an Italian restaurant again next week.
How would you describe yourself? I would say that I'm an intelligent and intuitive artist/human who is enjoying her life in New York City.
I can already see she's too serious for Jake, unless she's going to be his adoring audience or something like that.
Next is Naomi, a "technologist." I have no idea what a technologist does, other than bullshit on their dating profiles about what they do for a living. She enjoys chick lit and weekly dinner dates. In other words, not the type to be dating a comedian.
Our story of the week:
What was your worst date like? A guy told me he wanted to take me to a place where people go to have fun. He then pulled in to a parking lot of a seedy short-stay motel. I proceeded to get out of his car and got the hell away from him.
Fucking scary! You date the wrong men, babe! But at least we now know that "technologist" is not a cover for being a $2 prostitute, so I'm slightly relieved. So I've narrowed her career down to medical technician, IT support, or Best Buy stockperson.
Finally, we have Dorie, the 28 year old. She's an event planner; maybe she can book Jake on a couple of gigs! Also:
What's sexy to you? What do you look for in a man? Sexy is a guy with a sense of humor about himself and about life...
Jake has a brutally overwhelming sense of humor! And we have a winner!
The polls agree with my assessment; Dorie is winning. Let's hope Jake makes the right choice and disappoints Dorie by being 10 years younger, 1/10th as rich, and 20 times more goofy-looking than she'd prefer. Maybe she'll even use the romance-killing phrase, "You're 23? Aww, you're still a baby!"
(Methinks the Post's summer winning streak is over. And won't be back for a while.)
posted by Brian Van at
12:15 PM
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