New York Post Dating: Now With More Ugly!

Our action starts here...

Josh, our loveable computer consultant and hunk of Grade A beef, chose Lisa, our user-approved (poll-winning) female matchup. They were sent off to Raga, some restaurant that gets approval from at least one the daters. (not to say that I found Lisa's endorsement entirely convincing... wait a minute, we're supposed to talk about the daters! Fuck the restaurant!)

Summary: Josh and Lisa had a cool date, but don't match together as well as one would hope. I observed that they both conducted themselves acceptably - although Josh was a bit clumsy, with his smoke break and stubborn outlook on theater. A relationship is a no-go; I'd be surprised even if they remained friends. (the sticking points were things they didn't have in common; what are they going to do, keep dating and being nice to one another?) In the end, neither of them are poison in the dating pool; Lisa deserves a great guy, and Josh, perhaps after a little polish and confidence (maybe he could hire Hitch?) and maybe after quitting smoking (sheesh, haven't we learned anything by now?), should pick himself up and find another one. They're both nice, interesting people and I wish them the best.

------------

So much for a matchmaking column. What are we, 2 for 15 now since I've started tracking? Aye carumba! I think if Isiah Thomas was half as good as a matchmaker as he is a general manager, he'd have a better record than this! But at least Tom and Mackenzie are giving me a weekly distraction from the Knicks right now (God bless the two of you for that), so let's continue and hope for the best with our next matchup:

Oh no, it's Celine Dion! She's wearing neck-stretching African tribal jewelery, too! Is Celine wearing a blazer? You know how I feel about people wearing blazers! (I'll let it slide, Celine. It's a good look for you. Any more reminders of Queen Worst, however, and you're going to suffer major point deductions, okay?) Pamela's answers even remind me of things Celine Dion would say in an interview:

Pamela is looking for someone with a generous smile and a great sense of humor; someone who is "intelligent, but without showing off; who can really love a woman and know how to celebrate her."

The only part that doesn't fit in the equation is her profession as a television producer and writer; she seems to have a gentle personality and soft features (vegetarian, yoga enthusiast), but from what I understand, you need to be a shark to get by in that industry. Also, a big warning sign: I decoded her answers to read, "My dreams, love me, celebrate me, I dislike when you don't hear me, looking for a man who knows how to treat a lady." Sounds like a diva!

(and no, I won't get over the Celine Dion thing, I'll be calling her Celine next week too)

So who's up for the role of "Really Creepy Old Guy Manager/Husband?" (note: this is where it gets really fun)

Jacob is a 32 year old ugly law student. I can't accurately describe him, except that his combination of fair-freckled skin, reddish hair, big ears, and squinty black bead eyes is far outside my definition of "handsome." Quotables:

When I'm not in school, I enjoy working out at Equinox, listening to '80s hits, hanging out with my friends and tango dancing.

Every guy enjoys working out, Mr. Cliche. Listening to 80's music makes you either a nerd, a cocaine addict, or gay. And, tango dancing? (I HATE it when people list dancing as a "like-to-do" thing in a dating profile - chances are, you don't dance one goddamn bit when you're not out with a willing date!) The part about being ADD plus being patient makes me think he's trying too hard to be agreeable. His definition of sexy makes him sound like either a pervert or a frequent strip club patron. All in all, he's a risk.

Ian is a 34 year old ugly filmmaker. His looks are barely reminiscient of Eric McCormack, except Eric is a finely polished gem of a pretty boy and Ian is a rough cut. He buries himself with the dating history answer. His answer to "What's not sexy?" ("Toxicity, messy drunks, bad teeth and insecurity.") makes me think he's a magnet to those types of girls, never a good sign. The question about animal resemblance - umm, I think The Post should deep-six that question once and for all because I've never seen a good answer to it. He claims he had a bad date with a girl who had colitis - hey, buddy, if you made her colon swollen, I think you did something right! (ba dum ching!) Ian's another guy whose answers reveal a boring person trying extra hard to land someone nice. I give him a few points on top of Jacob; let's check out the third guy.

(one look at Stephen) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy shit, he comes off like someone you'd meet at the bar in a Tokyo hotel. Karaoke, anyone?
No, I'm not racist. It's just that, between the Asian businessman getup and the dull answers, he looks more like a NYC tourist than a resident. So lame!

What three things can you not live without? My Internet connection, money and a friend.

I'm not going to even go into the possibilities from that answer - they range from boring to creepy. He set a new low for the "worst date" answer in admitting weakness. Are they really that desperate for male daters such that someone with a profile this bad gets approved? This guy REALLY needs a visit from Hitch. Out.

I choose Ian. He seems to be the least bumbling of the three. Most of the readers agree, as he's leading so far in the polls that it makes Reagan/Mondale look like a fair fight. In any case, it's going to be one comical date! (*giggle!*) See you next week!

New York Post Dating: It's Not A Bad Thing When I'm Wrong

I link, because I care.

Kristen went for Mike. Yay! (The voting was pretty close, too - relatively speaking). Our Zagat-approved restaurant of the week: Gustavino's. Mike found Kristen to be more than palatable. Kristen found Mike to be appetizing. The seafood was well enjoyed. The conversation was four star. The connection was worth 6 1/2 hearts between them. They both conducted themselves handsomely on the date (extra props to them for ending the date pleasant and G-rated) and would each like to continue dating. Oh, merry, merry love!

In retrospect, I was generally wrong to be so harsh on Kristin. True, her personality does contain bold strokes of "super-talkative" and "self-obsessed*," things I consider to be huge warning signs for a psychotic ending; but there are some guys out there who are focused on other factors. Like intelligence. Energy. Tits and ass. Mike has everything he needs in Kristin. If Kristin wants to talk for 3 hours straight self-deprecatingly about how she talks way too much, Mike's not unhappy. He finds her charming regardless. Plus, Kristin finds it charming that Mike is intelligent and energetic enough to keep up with her. I've also observed that both of them are generally honest and do not have awful personality flaws that came across in their descriptions and reviews. I think this is one of the best connections I've reviewed.

*(self-obsessed is not to be confused with narcissistic or self-absorbed; self-obsessed doesn't mean that you love yourself too much like Brooke, it just means that you tend to think too much about what's going on in your own life. It's not a sin, it's merely an indulgence. And an often-tolerated one in New York.)

------------

So, we've had a good connection, there was no sexual theater performance involved on behalf of the Post, and I was wrong for being pessimistic. Satan's packing snowballs, people. Will Cupid reign another week, or will hell get hotter than ever?

Our boy of the week is Josh. I like Josh. And he looks familiar - seems I liked him back then, too. He seems like an honest, intelligent guy. Only one warning sign:

"I don't think people are able to 'look' for people anymore - you just have to get really lucky to meet someone special... I don't find one-sided conversations all that exciting."

Does this hint at a sign of being jaded in the dating pool? (I mean, I am, and I couldn't have said it better...) That's a bias best left at home during a blind date.

A sign of good fortune: all of the match girls are at least age appropriate! The last time Josh (33 years old) was here, his potential match was a 22-year-old. Are Tom and Mackenzie getting better at this matchmaking thing? I think so:

Dido, 32, accountant. She has pretty nice things to say about herself without seeming totally conceited. She makes it through the worst date question just fine. Other than comparing herself to a dog, she looks alright - not too exciting, I admit, but not someone to rule out quite yet.

Lisa, 27, project manager. Now we're talking. She's definitely energetic. Despite a near self-prescripton for a straitjacket:

How would you describe yourself? Hmmm. How to describe myself when I can be someone very different every day?

I've decided that this one is a keeper on one condition: Josh needs to be tall or else the connection is out the window. Other than that, my biggest concern with Lisa and Josh: she might have expectations for someone who is energetic and well-tuned to her "whoop it up!" style. I cannot tell if Josh fits that profile, although I'd lean to the opinion that he's not.

Last, we have Erin, 27, a writer. Southern belle? Whale? Trivial Pursuit? She's a seemingly nice girl, but she's not giving off a hottie vibe. She looks merely honest and quirky. Of note, she manages to deal with her worst date answer acceptably. Otherwise, nothing exciting here; good competition for Dido, but overshadowed by Lisa in both looks and energy.

My pick? This is tough. While I think Josh, meeting certain conditions, would have a nice date with all three of these girls, there are things we don't know about each of these 4 people that will determine whether or not a connection will last. Josh could decide that sparky and fashion-conscious (Lisa) just isn't his style, and from there choose either Dido (the sane one) or Erin (the quirky one). Or, he could go for Lisa's looks and energy, with the risk that if she doesn't find him captivating, a good first date will not lead to a second one. But let's just do this New York Post style: Lisa is hot and she's my pick.
(Note: there's no voting this week online. Ooooooooh, what does that mean?)

See all of you next week...

New York Post Dating: Valentine's Day Massacre!

Editor's Note to the Readers:
If you were around for last week's entry, you may have noticed my excitement and anticipation for this week's pending entry - in a "sick bastard" kind of way. Well, my readers, this week's Dating feature has exceeded all of my evil expectations... and, as a result, this week's review will be extensive and highly entertaining! I'm giddy! I'm ecstatic! I'm somewhat horrified! Let's begin!

------------

Of course, let's link to the NYP Dating contents page one more time.

I'm struggling to find the right creative, snide, or tongue-in-cheek way to say this, so I'll just blurt it out for you: Brooke lost the poll (and lost big time), but was selected as the date. Also, prior to this, she was the winner of last week's pre V-Day fashion contest. You cannot see the pictures online, but the print version shows her dressed very hipster-ish among a crew of ladies who make various glaring fashion faux-pas. Basically, she was handed a half-page picture feature on page 44 (or somewhere in that vicinity) mere days after being featured in the Dating column. And then, inexplicably, Eric decided that Brooke - despite her demands, attitude, and intolerance - was the right girl for him.

My heart beats fast with blood blackened by my complete disgust for Brooke, and her obvious pal Mackenzie Dawson Parks, for both giving undue attention to this undesirable girl and for possibly rigging TWO contests along the way. (Ms. Parks has her byline on all of these stories, as opposed to Tom Sykes who only has a byline on the dating column) I am outraged, even in the context that this is only a dating column. They've deprived two other nice girls (both of whom collected substantially higher poll votes) of the opportunity to date a nice guy and form a meaningful bond. They've tried (and failed) to fool the great city of New York into thinking that Brooke is the kind of girl that men want. Like hell she is. Being young, trendy, and smug is no way to go about winning the hearts of honorable people.

And now I ask with a big perky smile, how'd the date go?!

One word: Shitty!

Get this: the Post sent them to the premiere of the movie "Hitch." I pondered this choice a bit, and ultimately decided that, although it's not as bad as a live performance featuring sexually explicit language and visuals for a blind date, it's still an improper venue for really getting to know someone. A film premiere is an obnoxious event for anyone who lacks that vapid, star-struck quality in their personality. Without fail, mere mortals end up getting crushed by a crowd of paparazzi and rabid fans. Aside from being annoying, it's very distracting for a blind date scenario. Plus, there's nowhere you'll find class-ism in greater effect than an ultra-VIP populated film premiere, and that's a poor environment in which to try to get to know someone... unless you're the type of douchebag that judges someone on the cars they drive or the velvet ropes they can cross.

The date was really fun for the both of them individually, but this is likely because of the open bar and the celebrities surrounding them. Strangely, Eric mentions very little about Brooke except that she's dominant and gorgeous. (He mentions her outfit, which is just one hot pink shirt shy of being the exact same thing she wore in the V-Day fashion contest! Not that I can blame her, though - if she won the contest with the outfit, why not use it where it counts?) Brooke duly notes her own dominant leanings and dismisses Eric for not keeping up with her - and finds a few extra reasons to flunk him as a romance partner. Dislike me all you want for saying this, but I told you so!

By the way, "assertive" is not a proper synonym for "bitchy." Brooke doesn't really seem "assertive" here. If you know what I mean.

For having a snotty profile, for being the biggest-margin loser to be selected by a date, for turning her date into a drooling mess without finding any chemistry whatsoever, for (allegedly) getting her pal Mackenzie to go as far as to rig contests to get her name and picture in the paper, for saying things like "I made sure we got a limo home, no matter what celebrities were waiting" (Cruella DeVille wouldn't stoop to such a statement), for being yet another hipster clown, and for ruining my Valentine's Day, I'm officially crowning Brooke the Queen Worst Dater Ever.

------------

Luckily, Brooke isn't featured in this week's potential daters, although at this point I wouldn't be surprised. I guess that would have been too obvious, right? Look for Brooke to be re-seeded as one of the female date choosers in the future. For now, we have...

"Kristin, a 23-year-old beauty". She's a junior publicist in fashion who does the girl-wearing-a-blazer thing. (Note that anyone who does this in the future will be mercilessly compared to Brooke. But I'll try to get over that for now.) She offers the following Paris Hilton-ism:

"I pretend to 'like' going to the gym, but really, I don't at all!"

Really? Last time I checked, that was a bad thing for a bar-hopping female. I hardly find it amusing when someone wastefully spends money on something for vanity's sake and then doesn't find the motivation to keep up with it and packs on a dumpy ass as a result. (and for the record, this unimpressed writer DOES work out often to keep in decent shape)

She also loves going to the movies or out to dinner, "searching for random celebrities at NYC hot spots," playing with dogs, going to restaurants, shoe shopping - "or any kind of shopping, really,"

... I've seen enough. I'm sure I need not elaborate on how I feel about this gem of a spoiled girl.

So who's offering to play "Daddy, Please!" this week?

Jason, a 29-year-old lawyer who's profile does not reflect the sort of strong educational background you'd expect a lawyer to have. He seems rather simple. And that's a bad photograph. In all fairness, if he is indeed a lawyer, he'd be a wonderful father and family man. He might be a bit corny, lumpy, and non-intellectual, but those are the qualities of a perfect dad. However, Kristin is not the kind of child he should be getting...

Michael is a 28-year-old sales executive who seems to be pointing toward a serious, settled-down relationship. I'd immediately rule him out if it wasn't for the fact that Kristin claims, in her words: "I'm a grandma at heart." He might be able to keep up with her lifestyle (it's a long shot); she might find him to be the sort of tall, dark, and handsome rock (ala Mr. Big) that she can anchor herself to. Plus, maybe she's not as vapid as I'm making her out to be. (Remember, I blame the Post for sucking all intelligence out of people's dating profiles and substituting it with cheese, martinis, and old material from Us Weekly)

Matt's a fairly interesting law student. And he's quite tall. I'll leave him alone, he's nice and he's innocent (as are Michael and Jason). I just don't see him winning over Kristin, though. That's an instinctive opinion more than anything else, but I'll stick to it.

Based on potential, I'll choose Michael. None of these guys seem to be a close match to Kristin, though. The polling is all screwed up, with Matt and Jason leading Mike. Kristin is in none of these guys' leagues, so I'm foreseeing another disappointment one way or another.

Well, that's all for our big Valentine's Day extravaganza! Although love is not in the air this week, it's not often that we are given such a villain to root against! And now I have material for the rest of the year: I can compare all of the worst girls to Brooke until someone actually tops her - and the idea that someone can unseat Brooke as the Queen Worst is quite scary indeed! I had a lot of fun, and I hope you did, too! My parting words to you: ignore what you see in the newspaper, and try to find some of that old fashioned love out there...

New York Post Dating: Liars & Racists + Smokers

Link to the NYP Dating contents page...

From last week, our "vivacious 24-year-old fundraiser" Abby chose... errr, who? Jason, 28? Who is this guy? Or, more appropriately, why are the picture name captions switched? Isn't this the 35-year-old Neil from last week in the restaurant picture? A misprint, perhaps? I know it was, I have the original posted web page! I can prove that they screwed up the info that they posted about two of the three guys. In any case, it's as if she chose someone that wasn't even on the original list.

Which is not really a big deal anyway, since I saw a weak matchup from the start and it turns out the eventual date was cold like a skinny dip in Alaska. She didn't seem sparks but she wanted to leave the door open to things. Jason, however, all but filed a restraining order. Apparently, she's a smoker, and he hates smokers. So forget it!
==========================
This shellacking of the New York Post Dating column has been brought to you by "the fabulous Wildflower restaurant on Bleecker Street." Our unwitting food critic says, "Wildflower was an absolutely adorable place; it was very cozy, and the whole vibe of the place was great. It was decorated with bright yellow walls, which gave the whole space a very warm feeling. It felt very relaxed and very homey - a perfect spot for a first date. The food and wine were absolutely amazing! It was one of the best dinners I have had in a long time." And our readers agree: "The dinner we had was absolutely fantastic, and I would recommend it to anybody. It had a really nice vibe and very cool music!" Tonight's specials are a cold antipasti, a large-sized gazpacho with garlic bread, and a wonderful steak tartare with a side of blue balls.
==========================
Can a new couple end our long winter of discontent this week? No one's gotten laid here in a while, you know. (As you'll see, that's a common complaint)

You know a profile is going down the tubes when the first thing you see is a picture caption that says, "Culture vulture Eric also likes a good guffaw." Fuck you for making me read that. Let's let Eric do his own talking: "27-year-old film editor and proud Brooklynite," "obsessively consuming forms of media and pop culture," "likes watching TV shows like 'The Wire,' 'Arrested Development' and 'The Amazing Race' - Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it!" Relevant info: "I'm a big fan of the talking date as opposed to the activity date... I like the idea of changing the scenery a few times on the date... it makes it seem more like an adventure." Okay, we have something to work with here. Eric's reasonable looking for a male, without being too pretty (he looks older than 27 - and he's balding), so it might not be too hard to find someone suitable for him...

Amber is 29. That picture is criminal. We can all safely assume that she looks much cuter in real life - and once again, damn the Post for being unable to take good pictures of good-looking people. She looks like she's constipated. They asked what she drinks, and she named things that cost over $12 a glass... so she must make good money. She's looking for a smart guy, a conversationalist. So far, Eric is not a bad match, if perhaps likely being too poor to buy her the drinks she likes (unless she all of a sudden develops a taste for PBR in a can)
... and here's where her profile jumps the median into oncoming traffic.

"All I kept thinking was, I can't even get the guys I don't want!"
"I'm seriously thinking of writing a book called 'No Sex in the City: The Real Story of Dating in N.Y.C.'"

*sigh* It was nice knowing you, Amber. Get help.

Brooke is 24, has a cute receptionist vibe, is definitely cerebral, and might be a bit full of herself.

What's sexy? My ideal guy not only gets my sense of humor but can throw it back at me.

... plus more comments indicating that she needs no one to love, she already loves herself. She's not terribly arrogant to the point where I'd discount her, but I'm cautious nonetheless - Eric isn't an underwear model type of guy, so she might be unimpressed. Speaking of things she's unimpressed by:

If you're asking, I hate football. I don't really watch sports on TV (unless it's the Olympics). And no fratheads, please!

Yikes. Eric, the movie master, might be reminded here of a particularly good flick - "Saving Silverman." She'll ban him from his friends and make him get ass cheek implants! (hey, that would make for good reading in the Post...)

Ann is 24 and is an Advertising Assistant just like Brooke. After last week's word jumble, I have the feeling that we can count on the fact that one of these girls is not 24 and is not an Advertising Assistant. Who knows what they are? Here's what we do know about Ann: she practices yoga, she likes reading, she enjoys walking, she's aggressive about pursuing smart guys, she insists on good hygeine, she does text messaging (minor warning sign about impersonal communication habits, but we can let it go), and has a friend that thinks she should be washing dishes in the morning. (???) I think she's cute, and I think her personality is way better than Brooke's. Also, she's not severely jaded like Amber. She made it through the "worst date" question alive, too. And, I think her and Eric would make a cute couple.

I'm going with... (drumrollll) Ann! The voters, however, disagree - they choose Amber's adoration for articulation above Ann's all around appeal. (alliteration, always assinine) Amber's got quite the lead in the voting... and Brooke, as cute as she looks, is getting a drubbing here! Wow, you don't see that often. I'm telling you, this is a tough dating town...

Next week: our Valentine's Day special! Our exact same regular column, with extra misanthropic flavoring! (yes, it's because the author is single, and is also being forced to attend an engagement party. It's for his younger brother, which makes it all the more bitter and frustrating)

See you then!

New York Post Dating: Sex on the screen, just a kiss on the date

Link to the NYP Dating contents page...

Ethan chose Adrienne, she also rocked the voting, and the Post commits three of their typical egregious sins against both journalism and the dating scene:

• Those black & white "poll results" pics that make a horror out of Kim and Rachael - so not nice of them. By the way, my Peter Gallagher joke from last week just broke all defenders and sprinted for the endzone.
  
• Once again, they're pimping a restaurant. Hard. "Le Zinc" sounds like a French dietary supplement - taken after a meal with your "Le Multi-Vitamin". (I just want to confess that I truly want to commit suicide after making that joke. Sorry.)
  
• Once again, our blind date is sent to see something with unsettling sexual overtones - in this case, the "Kinsey" movie.

Whatever. It's hard to read the first paragraph when that picture is right there of the... umm, couple. In this case, body language tells quite a tale: Adrienne looks laid back and happy (and cute!), while Ethan is posing for his WWE intro photo. Hey, Ethan, do you have any teeth? Show 'em once in a while.

I'll sum it up for you quickly: they talked a lot, and they might hang out again. I'm left undecided about Ethan, because while his body language and words tell one tale, Adrianne's observations tell another. Listening to her, you see a likeable guy who should get a second date; listening to him, you just want to throw him off a moving train. Adrienne, however, is handling things perfectly, so if things don't work out here (and they may not, as sparks did not fly yet - even though I don't think that's necessarily a bad sign), she would make a perfect date for a cool, motivated guy.

Knowing that the Post has plans to use a pair of front-row tickets for "Kama Sutra: The Musical", who will be sitting in the hot blind date seats this week?

Abby is 24, and she's not giving off a hottie vibe. She just doesn't have the look. She fell hook, line, and sinker for the "worst date" question ("They just keep getting worse!"). She's a "preppy chick with a hippie heart", which I don't understand whatsoever. She names a few random activities that she enjoys, like "snowboarding", "reading", and "hanging out with friends". She's looking to avoid conceited men and bad kissers. (Hey, Abby, congrats on getting this particular week; you just dodged a bullet with Ethan from last week)

So who's the least conceited with the best lips? Let's see:

Neil, 35, the only banker who wears a crew neck. What a goofy smile on this one! But this isn't a modelling competition, so if Abby doesn't hear the "35 years old" part, she just might go for him. He enjoys good kissers too! Here's a choice quote:

What animal do you most resemble, and why? I'd have to say a cat, because that's the pet I have.

Bizarre! Look up "resemble" sometime in the dictionary! And another one:

What's not sexy? Racists and liars.

Wow, unintentional comedy galore! If I were watching this on TV, I'd have pissed my pants laughing. But he's a Yankees fan, so he's the man to beat!

Jason, 28, but looks 35. What does he do for a living? I forgot, I was distracted by the hideous turtleneck. His profile doesn't have any red flags, so we can count on him for a non-evil date. I call it a tie between him and Neil - that is, until we factor in...

Tom, 23, the forgotten member of the Strokes! Has no shame about ordering sugary alcoholic drinks! (upon a quick look, he may have no shame at all!) Looking for a girl with "a spicy personality" and "cute insecurities"... which begs for someone with Lower East Side mental damage and not Upper East Side prep (like Abby). Let's run through some more discordant interests: "skiing", "George Carlin", "drums", "great coffee", "Central Park." (This stuff just writes itself) And, best of all:

What's not sexy? Dead fish syndrome. I don't care if you're drop dead gorgeous - if you won't meet me halfway, you might as well walk halfway home.

What the hell does that mean? Flashes of Biff from "Back To The Future": "Why don't you make like a tree... and get the hell out of here!" That made no sense whatsoever. Hilarious!

After looking closely and carefully at these clowns, the only one who makes a sensible date for Abby is Jason. Sure, he's not quite that spicy, but he might be on Abby's level... the other two definitely aren't, although she might have one more "worst date" tale from one of those guys. The vox populi right now screams for Neil, but I'm hoping more people see the fact that, again, Neil is 11 years older than Abby - and vote accordingly.

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye!!!