Week of 11/20 - This Blog Is Going to Shit

I suppose it's a sign of success in life when you don't have idle time in the week until Friday to make a meaningless blog post, eh? Let's hit this week's articles quickly:

Modern Love is about righting a wrong kid. Or, more accurately, it's about a parent who made a tough decision regarding a child, and anguished about it. Obviously that alone is a compelling story about love, and not anything resembling whining, right? This was the anti-Dan-Savage article - where Savage had conviction, Richard Reiss has fear and doubt. Yet again the Times offers Readers' Digest-style fare as a report of contemporary trends in human bonding. At the very least, the trend is wrong: most parents threaten kids with things like military school, but never follow through. Pffffbt.

Meet Market - you know the drill - gets off to an ugly start when Jodie and Mike fall flat like a pancake. Is it anyone's fault? Not really. Did anyone do anything wrong? Well, Jodie wore Uggs. Disappointing. Otherwise, it just didn't work. And we learned nothing from it. Megu, however, got a slice of publicity that they didn't need at all. (Do a Lexis-Nexis search on "Megu" in your local library to see what I mean. Celebrities, publicists, and gossip hounds are in a constant swarm.)

This week's dater is Alan, the aerodynamically-shaped plastic surgeon. A low-rent Billy Zane look-alike? He's got a nice tie, though. Anyway, he has sophisticated tastes and would require a girl with class; perhaps one that enjoys the finer things in life without needing to be fully entertained by their companion. In other words, no ADD chicks! And we could give a few pounds here, because the liposuction's on the house. Who should we set him up with?

Alison - the smile! A million watts, fellas! Very young and energetic. Also a bit youthful, and perhaps undistinguished if she hangs out at the ESPN Zone. A great girl to hang out with, but not Alan's type.

Leora - the scarf! How stylish! And she's cute, too! Easygoing, fun-loving, and down-to-earth. Again, not Alan's type.

Rose - the head tilt! And that's the best hair we've seen in Meet Market in a long time! Plus, another stylish scarf!

When you go to a bar, what's the first drink you'll order? Champagne, a glass of New Zealand sauvignon blanc or a vodka tonic. Or all three.

Followed by breezy (but merely inventive) mentions of Learjets, European travel, caviar, and more booze. I think she's got potential worldly tastes if she's set up with the right man. Say, oh, a filthy-rich plastic surgeon who needs a vacation-companion wife.

(I call this situation the "pied-a-terre pussy", considering that busy professional men tend to only visit their wives substantially when they're taking a month off of work, and not on a day-to-day basis. Not unlike a condo in Miami. Women also do this, but then you would just call the husband "whipped".)

Rose is obviously the best pick for Alan, but my biggest concern is that, like the others, she is also down-to-earth and youthful. How is that going to play out with Alan? If he's not sociable and she's convivial, probably not very well. However, give these two the benefit of the doubt - if he's even slightly witty and she's even a little bit demure, they might really hit it off.

In any case, we shall see how it played out in a few days...

Week of 11/13 - Modern Love and Meet Market Roundups

Live blogging from my laptop in Verdi Square at 72nd & Broadway... yes, I felt the need to brag. The Lectern is mobile and worldwide, motherfuckers. Just wait until I learn how to send in my entries through my cellphone from The Patriot...

Mindy Hung's entry this week for Modern Love is surprisingly good. I wish I had more time to rave about it, but I'll get to the point: it's appropriately self-critical where it needs to be, it's critical of relationships where it should be, it's reflective without being ponderous, it sticks to the point... ehhh, just read it. The lesson learned: do try to realize your own limitations and over come them, but don't try to be someone you're not. And also, don't try so hard when dating. I like Mindy and her tale, and I wish her luck.

(end transmission)

==========================

(begin transmission)

Now live blogging from Lolita on the Lower East Side (yeah, I get around town), where I'll do my Meet Market roundup. Vivian chose Jordan, but there's not much to say other than that Vivian had no chemistry with Jordan, he saw the writing on the wall (but was still hopeful!), and they gave each other a lot of mercy hearts. And I'll be merciful to you and end that recap right here, as 9 out of 10 bloggers agree that they'd rather look up a horse's asshole than look at those two posing together.

This week, Jodie the pharma event planner is back to find the man of her dreams... or perhaps just something not too embarassing. (The bar is pretty low when it comes to Meet Market matches)

She describes herself as "outgoing, friendly, fun and honest. Maybe too honest. I know what I want out of life and I work hard for it."

Standard fare. A nice girl who might be undone only by her own pickiness. She doesn't look picky, but you never know... Vivian was picky! Let's give her our best shot for a match, shall we?

Let's rank these guys bottom up:
3. Michael the elder not only commits the sin of using the gym cliche, but he looks like he's never been to one either. (for what it's worth, I'd set him up with my sister if I had one.)

2. Michael the younger is a brainy grad student. Again, pretty decent prospect, except Jodie's not going to be all over him, and there's no way I could pick either Michael when there's...

1. Denzel.

Seriously, he's a personal trainer and his name is Denzel. That name alone gives him a lot of dating credibility. And it's an instant conversation starter.

Now, most people are going with Michael the younger and not with Denzel, but I think Jodie won't lose out either way. That said, I get the feeling that she's going to be picky, and Denzel has the most potential to get past that. I could be wrong, but this is my blog and I'll use it to state whatever opinion I want.

Next week: live blogging from Delaware! (yes, it's possible. After all, I must visit for the day, and there's nothing else to do there!)

Week of 11/06 - Modern Love and Meet Market Roundups

Yeah, another roundup post. Both of these columns are lucky to get even a half-post of my attention, never mind a full one.

Modern Love gets a little crazy this week. The summary is that Robin Hemley - a male, married professor - finds himself on the wrong end of a student obsession. Yeah, what does that have to do with love? I don't know either. This piece is a great base for a thriller, but it really doesn't fit the theme.

Actually, Hemley's piece is a base for a thriller... his book! And again, we get stung by another author who isn't freelancing about love, but trying very hard to promote his latest non-fiction entry with a chopped-up chapter. I'm extremely disappointed, but we have learned one thing from this: keep sending in those essays, folks! They're apparently desperate for good material if they're passing up their backlog of essay submissions for what amounts to literary press releases.

(I'm angry, and that felt good.)

Next... in the Post, Sweet Janice went wrong and picked Dirty Dustin. I warned against this! Here's how it went down:

Dustin: Having gone on blind dates in the past, I've learned that the course of the evening is pretty much decided in the first minute. This was no different. As we shook hands, I realized I wasn't very attracted to her.

WHAT?!?! Outrageous. She's quirkily adorable! And she knows how to dress! Ugh. Besides, how can you talk with that cheesy goatee and mustache?

I had grown out a ridiculous handlebar mustache as part of a Halloween costume (construction worker).

Oh.

Well, whatever. Dustin's a tool. He comes off as the exact opposite of a gentleman by making many cracks about her throughout the course of the post. Dustin, do New York a favor: keep that mustache, so that what you look like on the outside matches what's inside, buddy.

(I'm angry, and that felt VERY good.)

Next week's dater is Vivian, and... well, I'll let Tom and Laura do the talking:

Meet Vivian, a vivacious accounts manager who says she's a cross between the kind of girl who will help an old lady cross the street and one who'd be on "Girls Gone Wild."

Mental picture: not so good. I always try to stay away from appearance-related jabs, but this case is particularly egregious. While Vivian isn't hideous, she isn't exactly petite. New dating rule: if you don't have the figure of a swimsuit model, it's probably not best to broadcast things like "Vivian's lucky underwear is a black satin thong." That's not to say that there's nothing good about her, but we wouldn't know: much of her profile shows an aggressive approach to attracting men. Including the red hair dye; yes, they called her a redhead in the piece, but high-quality Canon optics always pick up brunette roots.

Her matches?

Brian, who looks like Lance Armstrong's mug shot. Guys, try to smile for your dating headshot; this ain't your football team picture. The good: he's a photographer. (Photographers are hot. Trust me. *wink*) The bad: he goes for the Paris cliche. Otherwise, he looks alright. If anything, we can say he's cerebral. Which means party-loving Vivian might not be his flavor of ice cream.

Next, Alan, the Billy Zane look-alike. He's a plastic surgeon, and his profile certainly reads like a doctor's: brainy, flat, perhaps a bit pretentious with the interests. I can't really dislike him, but nothing strikes me about him that would make me think he'd go great with Vivian.

Finally, we have Jordan with the Brillo goatee. That might scratch a bit if he goes down for the tuna taco, eh? (Note to readers: I'm sleep deprived and out-of-control. I'm ashamed and horrified at my thoughts. Please excuse all these classless things I've been saying. I'll be nice again next week, I promise. Thank you. -ed) He does yoga and drinks Long Island Iced Teas. Great! Opposites attract! He's the perfect fop for Vivian's pool-playing brute! Besides, he doesn't look like he has any dates lined up for the next decade, so he's definitely available for something long term. (Again, sorry.)

My vote sails on the river Jordan. The readers agree by a slight poll margin over Brian, which means I must not be completely crazy and wrong this week. Tune in next week, when I'll be taking bets on which dater will be the first to say at dinner, "Are you gonna finish that?" (REALLY REALLY TERRIBLY SORRY.)

Week of 10/30 - Meet Market and Modern Love Roundups

Holy shiznit on a cast-iron frying pan! I'm freaking busy lately! With a job, a website, an enabler, a lascivious op-ed columnist, a hipster comedian, a bar game contest... damn, who has time to read the paper on Sunday anymore? Well, we find a way, but the recaps have to be mercifully quick. Merciful on my schedule, anyway; not merciful on the subjects. Muahahaha!

Here's the tagline for Katherine Tanney's Modern Love submission this week:

I am now one of those women who lives alone and goes in and out of relationships while depending on her dogs for long-term companionship.

Yeah. Pets. I'm not even opening that link. Someone do tell me how it went, though.

Now over to Rupert's Tunnel of Love, where Neil chose Rebecca - I liked Rebecca but didn't think she was the best of 3 - for some hot French-Vietnamese fusion action at Sapa. Mmmmm, I guess the Russian-Ethiopian-Mexican place wasn't taking early reservations! Anyway...

Sweet Becky: Neil was dressed very smartly, and I was still wearing my smart work clothes, so we did match a bit... There was absolutely no point in the night where I had wished I was somewhere else, or where I had to use my emergency list of "date questions" to get out of an uncomfortable silence. We had so much to talk about and quite a lot in common. We have similar backgrounds, and although he's not a fan of jumping off cliffs like I am, we both have the desire to jump out of planes at some point, which is almost the same thing, right?

Right. Also, I'm not sure if this is a bad sign or good sign. I usually only talk about jumping off cliffs during the bad dates, but that's just me. What did our well-dressed suitor say?

Natty Neil: We soon found out that we have a lot of interests in common including travel and photography. Becca's a celebrity gossip writer but she hasn't had many star sightings in New York. So it was lucky when, as we were leaving the restaurant, we ran into the guy who played Mr. Big [Chris Noth] on "Sex and the City."

Ah, you violated Jess's black list there, buddy. And besides, what kind of man are you to reference SATC for Chris Noth? He's Detective Mike Logan, for God's sake! Get with the program, buddy.

Anyway, they're a nice pair. They traded phone numbers, along with a total seven hearts. Not bad.

Whither Janice, my favorite? Why, she's up on stage this week! Still a lawyer, still wearing a red dress, still looking fabulous. (Note to self: stop using the word "fabulous", you're not on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy here.) Which guy is the right one for our beautiful bookish barrister?

Dustin's a 27 year old writer who eschews materialism. Or is dirt poor, but hey, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt; Janice can probably carry him with those huge class-action settlement fees she's raking in. He says a date is dependent on conversation, but then lets us know bluntly that it's also dependent on "mind-blowing sex". Nuh-uh, Dustin, this is a family paper.

And now we segue into Story Time:

My first blind date was with a girl I asked out because she was advertising an apartment share, and her voice sounded really sexy on the phone. We had a very awkward dinner, and she later told me she was a lesbian and just accepted my invitation for kicks.

Hah! I think he got his Craigslist ads mixed up!

Next, Mitchell, the trying-too-hard artist:

What would your ideal date be like? I would pick the woman up, go to the airport, fly to Paris and get there in time to go to the Musee d'Orsay and show them my favorite works. Then we'd go to dinner at a really great bistro.

Dude. Paris. So lame to be mentioning that in a dating ad if you've never lived there. Why not just offer to propose on the banks of the Seine? Worst cliche ever. Anyway, he also can't live without his iPod, living up to the materialism cliche; he's the anti-Dustin. And he says:

What do you find attractive/sexy in a woman? Someone who has no idea that they are.

Right, because those low-self-esteem girls spread their legs open so easily, right? Hahah, this guy is cheesy. Or just not a very good profile writer. Also lacks hair in the right places, seems to have a lot of it in the wrong places. I want something better for Janice, please.

Finally, there's Eric, who's got the Mike Piazza goatee way after the fact that Mike Piazza gave it up because it works for no-one. But that'll be my last insult; other than the foot fetish (a massage in the restaurant? Dude, not while we're eating) and the Blues Traveler (okay, maybe I'd rather handle sweaty feet at the dinner table than listen to Blues Traveler), he seems alright. Not stellar, but alright.

As cheesy as Mitchell's profile is, I'm going to go with him. Eric's a big risk because he looks pretty young and we don't know much about him except for a few specific interests. Dustin's sex line disqualified him immediately. And, as much as I'm a wiseass, I think there's a good chance for Janice and Mitchell to find something in common and experience passion like never before. In Paris.