Week of 11/06 - Modern Love and Meet Market Roundups
Yeah, another roundup post. Both of these columns are lucky to get even a half-post of my attention, never mind a full one.
Modern Love gets a little crazy this week. The summary is that Robin Hemley - a male, married professor - finds himself on the wrong end of a student obsession. Yeah, what does that have to do with love? I don't know either. This piece is a great base for a thriller, but it really doesn't fit the theme.
Actually, Hemley's piece is a base for a thriller... his book! And again, we get stung by another author who isn't freelancing about love, but trying very hard to promote his latest non-fiction entry with a chopped-up chapter. I'm extremely disappointed, but we have learned one thing from this: keep sending in those essays, folks! They're apparently desperate for good material if they're passing up their backlog of essay submissions for what amounts to literary press releases.
(I'm angry, and that felt good.)
Next... in the Post, Sweet Janice went wrong and picked Dirty Dustin. I warned against this! Here's how it went down:
WHAT?!?! Outrageous. She's quirkily adorable! And she knows how to dress! Ugh. Besides, how can you talk with that cheesy goatee and mustache?
Oh.
Well, whatever. Dustin's a tool. He comes off as the exact opposite of a gentleman by making many cracks about her throughout the course of the post. Dustin, do New York a favor: keep that mustache, so that what you look like on the outside matches what's inside, buddy.
(I'm angry, and that felt VERY good.)
Next week's dater is Vivian, and... well, I'll let Tom and Laura do the talking:
Mental picture: not so good. I always try to stay away from appearance-related jabs, but this case is particularly egregious. While Vivian isn't hideous, she isn't exactly petite. New dating rule: if you don't have the figure of a swimsuit model, it's probably not best to broadcast things like "Vivian's lucky underwear is a black satin thong." That's not to say that there's nothing good about her, but we wouldn't know: much of her profile shows an aggressive approach to attracting men. Including the red hair dye; yes, they called her a redhead in the piece, but high-quality Canon optics always pick up brunette roots.
Her matches?
Brian, who looks like Lance Armstrong's mug shot. Guys, try to smile for your dating headshot; this ain't your football team picture. The good: he's a photographer. (Photographers are hot. Trust me. *wink*) The bad: he goes for the Paris cliche. Otherwise, he looks alright. If anything, we can say he's cerebral. Which means party-loving Vivian might not be his flavor of ice cream.
Next, Alan, the Billy Zane look-alike. He's a plastic surgeon, and his profile certainly reads like a doctor's: brainy, flat, perhaps a bit pretentious with the interests. I can't really dislike him, but nothing strikes me about him that would make me think he'd go great with Vivian.
Finally, we have Jordan with the Brillo goatee. That might scratch a bit if he goes down for the tuna taco, eh? (Note to readers: I'm sleep deprived and out-of-control. I'm ashamed and horrified at my thoughts. Please excuse all these classless things I've been saying. I'll be nice again next week, I promise. Thank you. -ed) He does yoga and drinks Long Island Iced Teas. Great! Opposites attract! He's the perfect fop for Vivian's pool-playing brute! Besides, he doesn't look like he has any dates lined up for the next decade, so he's definitely available for something long term. (Again, sorry.)
My vote sails on the river Jordan. The readers agree by a slight poll margin over Brian, which means I must not be completely crazy and wrong this week. Tune in next week, when I'll be taking bets on which dater will be the first to say at dinner, "Are you gonna finish that?" (REALLY REALLY TERRIBLY SORRY.)
Modern Love gets a little crazy this week. The summary is that Robin Hemley - a male, married professor - finds himself on the wrong end of a student obsession. Yeah, what does that have to do with love? I don't know either. This piece is a great base for a thriller, but it really doesn't fit the theme.
Actually, Hemley's piece is a base for a thriller... his book! And again, we get stung by another author who isn't freelancing about love, but trying very hard to promote his latest non-fiction entry with a chopped-up chapter. I'm extremely disappointed, but we have learned one thing from this: keep sending in those essays, folks! They're apparently desperate for good material if they're passing up their backlog of essay submissions for what amounts to literary press releases.
(I'm angry, and that felt good.)
Next... in the Post, Sweet Janice went wrong and picked Dirty Dustin. I warned against this! Here's how it went down:
Dustin: Having gone on blind dates in the past, I've learned that the course of the evening is pretty much decided in the first minute. This was no different. As we shook hands, I realized I wasn't very attracted to her.
WHAT?!?! Outrageous. She's quirkily adorable! And she knows how to dress! Ugh. Besides, how can you talk with that cheesy goatee and mustache?
I had grown out a ridiculous handlebar mustache as part of a Halloween costume (construction worker).
Oh.
Well, whatever. Dustin's a tool. He comes off as the exact opposite of a gentleman by making many cracks about her throughout the course of the post. Dustin, do New York a favor: keep that mustache, so that what you look like on the outside matches what's inside, buddy.
(I'm angry, and that felt VERY good.)
Next week's dater is Vivian, and... well, I'll let Tom and Laura do the talking:
Meet Vivian, a vivacious accounts manager who says she's a cross between the kind of girl who will help an old lady cross the street and one who'd be on "Girls Gone Wild."
Mental picture: not so good. I always try to stay away from appearance-related jabs, but this case is particularly egregious. While Vivian isn't hideous, she isn't exactly petite. New dating rule: if you don't have the figure of a swimsuit model, it's probably not best to broadcast things like "Vivian's lucky underwear is a black satin thong." That's not to say that there's nothing good about her, but we wouldn't know: much of her profile shows an aggressive approach to attracting men. Including the red hair dye; yes, they called her a redhead in the piece, but high-quality Canon optics always pick up brunette roots.
Her matches?
Brian, who looks like Lance Armstrong's mug shot. Guys, try to smile for your dating headshot; this ain't your football team picture. The good: he's a photographer. (Photographers are hot. Trust me. *wink*) The bad: he goes for the Paris cliche. Otherwise, he looks alright. If anything, we can say he's cerebral. Which means party-loving Vivian might not be his flavor of ice cream.
Next, Alan, the Billy Zane look-alike. He's a plastic surgeon, and his profile certainly reads like a doctor's: brainy, flat, perhaps a bit pretentious with the interests. I can't really dislike him, but nothing strikes me about him that would make me think he'd go great with Vivian.
Finally, we have Jordan with the Brillo goatee. That might scratch a bit if he goes down for the tuna taco, eh? (Note to readers: I'm sleep deprived and out-of-control. I'm ashamed and horrified at my thoughts. Please excuse all these classless things I've been saying. I'll be nice again next week, I promise. Thank you. -ed) He does yoga and drinks Long Island Iced Teas. Great! Opposites attract! He's the perfect fop for Vivian's pool-playing brute! Besides, he doesn't look like he has any dates lined up for the next decade, so he's definitely available for something long term. (Again, sorry.)
My vote sails on the river Jordan. The readers agree by a slight poll margin over Brian, which means I must not be completely crazy and wrong this week. Tune in next week, when I'll be taking bets on which dater will be the first to say at dinner, "Are you gonna finish that?" (REALLY REALLY TERRIBLY SORRY.)
posted by Brian Van at
12:16 PM
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