Week of 10/30 - Meet Market and Modern Love Roundups

Holy shiznit on a cast-iron frying pan! I'm freaking busy lately! With a job, a website, an enabler, a lascivious op-ed columnist, a hipster comedian, a bar game contest... damn, who has time to read the paper on Sunday anymore? Well, we find a way, but the recaps have to be mercifully quick. Merciful on my schedule, anyway; not merciful on the subjects. Muahahaha!

Here's the tagline for Katherine Tanney's Modern Love submission this week:

I am now one of those women who lives alone and goes in and out of relationships while depending on her dogs for long-term companionship.

Yeah. Pets. I'm not even opening that link. Someone do tell me how it went, though.

Now over to Rupert's Tunnel of Love, where Neil chose Rebecca - I liked Rebecca but didn't think she was the best of 3 - for some hot French-Vietnamese fusion action at Sapa. Mmmmm, I guess the Russian-Ethiopian-Mexican place wasn't taking early reservations! Anyway...

Sweet Becky: Neil was dressed very smartly, and I was still wearing my smart work clothes, so we did match a bit... There was absolutely no point in the night where I had wished I was somewhere else, or where I had to use my emergency list of "date questions" to get out of an uncomfortable silence. We had so much to talk about and quite a lot in common. We have similar backgrounds, and although he's not a fan of jumping off cliffs like I am, we both have the desire to jump out of planes at some point, which is almost the same thing, right?

Right. Also, I'm not sure if this is a bad sign or good sign. I usually only talk about jumping off cliffs during the bad dates, but that's just me. What did our well-dressed suitor say?

Natty Neil: We soon found out that we have a lot of interests in common including travel and photography. Becca's a celebrity gossip writer but she hasn't had many star sightings in New York. So it was lucky when, as we were leaving the restaurant, we ran into the guy who played Mr. Big [Chris Noth] on "Sex and the City."

Ah, you violated Jess's black list there, buddy. And besides, what kind of man are you to reference SATC for Chris Noth? He's Detective Mike Logan, for God's sake! Get with the program, buddy.

Anyway, they're a nice pair. They traded phone numbers, along with a total seven hearts. Not bad.

Whither Janice, my favorite? Why, she's up on stage this week! Still a lawyer, still wearing a red dress, still looking fabulous. (Note to self: stop using the word "fabulous", you're not on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy here.) Which guy is the right one for our beautiful bookish barrister?

Dustin's a 27 year old writer who eschews materialism. Or is dirt poor, but hey, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt; Janice can probably carry him with those huge class-action settlement fees she's raking in. He says a date is dependent on conversation, but then lets us know bluntly that it's also dependent on "mind-blowing sex". Nuh-uh, Dustin, this is a family paper.

And now we segue into Story Time:

My first blind date was with a girl I asked out because she was advertising an apartment share, and her voice sounded really sexy on the phone. We had a very awkward dinner, and she later told me she was a lesbian and just accepted my invitation for kicks.

Hah! I think he got his Craigslist ads mixed up!

Next, Mitchell, the trying-too-hard artist:

What would your ideal date be like? I would pick the woman up, go to the airport, fly to Paris and get there in time to go to the Musee d'Orsay and show them my favorite works. Then we'd go to dinner at a really great bistro.

Dude. Paris. So lame to be mentioning that in a dating ad if you've never lived there. Why not just offer to propose on the banks of the Seine? Worst cliche ever. Anyway, he also can't live without his iPod, living up to the materialism cliche; he's the anti-Dustin. And he says:

What do you find attractive/sexy in a woman? Someone who has no idea that they are.

Right, because those low-self-esteem girls spread their legs open so easily, right? Hahah, this guy is cheesy. Or just not a very good profile writer. Also lacks hair in the right places, seems to have a lot of it in the wrong places. I want something better for Janice, please.

Finally, there's Eric, who's got the Mike Piazza goatee way after the fact that Mike Piazza gave it up because it works for no-one. But that'll be my last insult; other than the foot fetish (a massage in the restaurant? Dude, not while we're eating) and the Blues Traveler (okay, maybe I'd rather handle sweaty feet at the dinner table than listen to Blues Traveler), he seems alright. Not stellar, but alright.

As cheesy as Mitchell's profile is, I'm going to go with him. Eric's a big risk because he looks pretty young and we don't know much about him except for a few specific interests. Dustin's sex line disqualified him immediately. And, as much as I'm a wiseass, I think there's a good chance for Janice and Mitchell to find something in common and experience passion like never before. In Paris.