New York Post Dating: Decidedly Not Funny Anymore

Another week, another review.

Marni chose Ted for her date, and they enjoyed a lovely evening at Havana Alma de Cuba (a place both participants seemed to appreciate). They chatted long into the evening, they both admitted they were flustered to be on a blind date in the public eye (Ted's a schoolteacher, so all of his kids will be asking him, "Did you hit that, Mr T?" in perpetuity), and they both enjoyed each other's company. They seem to want to date again, so I suppose the Post can take credit for a succesful match! And I can whine once again about a lack of comic material!

As a nice touch, they both showed up quite early to the date - unlike other mobbed-out dipshits we've seen here before.

Anyway, onto this week's daters...

Meet Matthew, someone so obsessed with food it rivals the Post's obsession with mentioning the fact. Foodie foodie foodie. Yeah, we get the hint. Matt's pushing 40, so we should be looking at another "mature" date this week (well, maybe not; I know some NYU students who would gladly date him if he'd take them thong shopping). What's he looking for?

When it comes to women, there's nothing more appealing to Matthew than a big smile and confidence - and conversely, "neurotic behavior" doesn't win many points with him.

Well, if we need to avoid neurotic older women, we might have our work cut out for us. Also, here's the response to the often-deadly "worst date" question:

We asked him to tell us what his worst date ever was, but he wasn't divulging much in the way of details "It's really a long story - but let's just say she was hideous, unfriendly, and had no self respect!"

Uh-oh! You must use the rules of job interviewing here - never speak badly about former dates like that! Calling your former dates hideous is going to raise a lot of red flags with your current date. Well, that and vaguely resembling Paul Giamatti. Matt needs an Extreme Queer Makeover, or whatever they call it nowadays.

Matt's a seemingly interesting person otherwise. Who are our matches? Well, let's lead in by saying that no one breaks 35. One of them's 28. I don't know about this...

First, we have Ann, a 33-year-old lawyer. She seems like an awfully nice and interesting person; in no way does she resemble a hard-boiled career woman, as lawyers are often portrayed. (Think of all those smoking-hot ADAs on "Law & Order") She mentions that she likes going out to eat, so that's a sign of compatibility. My only concern:

How would you describe yourself? ... I'm low-maintenance in esthetic ways - i.e., it takes me no time to get ready!

Would a foodie like Matt prefer someone meticulous about such things? Surely there's a logical disconnect in dating someone who took less time to get ready than the chef used to position the carrots on the 4th course. But I won't hold it against her... she seems alright.

Next, Lyla is a PR exec, the closest to Matt's age, and definitely seems neurotic! Wow, she's picky - it's not as if her list of gripes is unreasonable, but she's uncommonly specific - and snarky - about what she is and isn't looking for. Let's run down the list: "funny, independent, smart, worldly, well-traveled... at least 3 inches taller than me", plus no bald guys, no slackers, no smokers, and no mamma's boys. On the plus side, she'd like to explore new restaurants!

Finally, Lauren is 28 to Matt's 49. (I threw on an extra decade for that jacket.) Lauren's interests are very youthful - she's a flirt, she's a drinker, she's high-maintenance, she's a "social butterfly", and she'd love to play mini-golf. Oh dear, this is not going to work out. However, she could always give me a call, as I know where to find a couple of mini-golf courses in the area...

Well, after all of this, the choice is obvious in my eyes: it is Ann. Indeed, she is winning the readers' poll midweek. I don't know if they'll get along (I think it's a longshot), but we did our best to help and that's about all we can do. In the meantime, I'm going to dig out my credit card for a shopping date with a couple of coeds down by University Place...

New York Post Dating: A Snoozer

I'm not one to shy from being candid, so an upfront admission: this weeks' date writeups bored me to tears. Sorry! Last week's setup turned into this week's agreeable and unremarkable date; this week's setup looks encouraging for romance, bad for sarcastic commentary.

Still, you deserve my response. It's all I can do for you.

Eric chose Jaclyn for this week's date. In a new kick to the dates, the Post is arranging not only for the diners to eat for free, but also for some brief pre-date cooking classes in the kitchen with the chef. This seems to work pretty well, so expect to see more of it. Jaclyn, overall, had a good time and feels comfortable with Eric. On the other hand, Eric is not quite as upbeat about the initial feelings of romance, but still would like to take a wait-and-see approach. I'd rate it a successful date. I just have one concern: I think Eric is definitely way too tied up in his lawyer-type, jet-setting life, and that's a libido killer. Put the goddamn Blackberry away, dude!

This week's date-picker is Marni. Marni is beautiful, vivacious, and magnetizing. And 37 years old. This particular fact contributes two aspects to this setup that are uncommon to this column: we have someone who we can count on to be mature, reasonable, and experienced; in a 37-year-old woman, though, we can also expect a departure from the trendy, fast-paced, hot-and-bothered dating setups that we commonly see here. So what the hell am I supposed to write about? Bring back the 22-year-olds so I can make fun of them!

Marni's got a choice of three age-appropriate guys: Ted the teacher, Rey the accountant, and Bruno the... um, food service manager. That doesn't leave me much to write about, does it? I've kinda soured on Bruno on the first look. Call it a hunch on non-compatibility. Marni wouldn't go wrong with either Ted or Rey, though. I think Rey matches just a bit closer to Marni than Ted, but Ted's convincingly winning the poll on the first day. I think she'll have a good date no matter who she chooses; I also think that I'll be reduced to telling knock-knock jokes just to keep the humor level going around here:

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Don Juan.
Don Juan who?
Betcha I Don Juan to write this column next week if Marni doesn't rate at least three hearts with one of these guys.

*groan*

New York Post Dating: The Bling-Bling Edition

Want a link to the Post's dating page? Sure you do.

I wasn't too happy with my choices for Pamela's date last week. The people have spoken regardless - Pamela chose Jason, and so did the voters. I'm relieved that they were more decisive than myself.

For the post-date summaries, we'll start with Jason. It seems he is not odd as I originally envisioned him to be. No, he's a typical New York corporate whitebread ex-jock type. He wasn't pretending when he mentioned sports 90 times in his profile - the first thing he brought up on the date was March Madness. That's kind of a risky topic to go for with a girl like Pamela, as I wouldn't have guessed she's a sports fanatic.

Generally, he really didn't have anything interesting to say about the date. They talked about a bunch of boring personal things, and the only highlights are the coincidental connections that they share. I don't think he finds Pamela sexy.

So, what about Pamela? I'll back off, and let her hang herself:

He was tall and cute, wearing a jacket and black pants. He was very nicely dressed. I noticed that Jason had a nice smile and he was tall, definitely taller than me. I would say he was the perfect height - probably 6-foot to my 5-foot-4.

Tall tall tall. That's what Pamela's looking for. That single-minded focus on a physical attribute is a glaring warning sign that Pamela doesn't seek out the best qualities in her partners. Oh, and perfect height? He's got 8 inches on you - that's perfect if you want to be his midget helper.

My first reaction to Jason was very positive. I had based my selection of him on the small photograph of him I was sent - and also on the fact that he works in a similar field to mine.

I left in the part about the job fields just to be fair. Really, she's all about looks. That, and...

Riingo was a great date spot, and the food was spectacular. I had sea bass and Jason ordered Kobe beef.

Oi! This is what happens when the Post pays the bill! Jason noted they had five courses, and now she reveals that they ordered two of the most expensive things on the menu! This is a fantasy date for people who haven't hit 25 yet. Hell, I know people over 30 that can't afford this sort of meal on a regular basis.

We got talking about traveling, Europe and wine over dinner.

Mo' money, mo' money, mo' money! Jason didn't recall any of this. This is perhaps because your typical 24-year-old male doesn't have the pricey taste for these sort of things. Is this what drove Jason away?

At the end of the date, he gave me a big hug goodbye and he also offered to pay for my cab, which I thought was very gentlemanly.

Jason's a gentleman, sure. Of course, this scores double points for Pamela because she's not only looking for a handsome gentleman - she's looking for a handsome gentleman who has mucho dinero and will gladly spend it on her!

Well, what did Pamela actually say about Jason?

The conversation was good. We were talking the whole time and we really had a great connection... I definitely thought Jason was really nice, and at the end of the night he asked me for my number... I'd like to hang out again.

Sure, if he's paying.

This week, we have Eric, a 26-year-old attorney, choosing among three female daters. Can we get through our leading man's profile without finding a fatal flaw or a cliche?

...lists his main interests as going to the gym, exploring the city and "buying things I can't afford and not caring about it."

Perhaps not.

The best part is the Post's response: "We're down with that, Eric." If that doesn't explain my exasperation with this dating column, nothing will.

Just in case we didn't figure out that he's in good shape, he describes himself as athletic shortly thereafter. He dislikes show-offs and snobs - fair enough, except how does this make sense, then?

He's looking for a woman who "thinks of others before she thinks of herself. Oh, and it doesn't hurt if she looks good in a baseball cap and a tight pair of Sevens!"

Sevens, for the fashionably uninitiated, are female designer jeans. You will find many snobby and show-off ladies wearing these jeans, so this makes no sense whatsoever. Beyond that, why the hell does this guy know anything about women's fashion? Something's not right here.

Well, are any of these girls drawing up Lucky Number Seven this week?

Elizabeth, probably not. For starters, she has a child already. That isn't a guaranteed mood killer among all men, but I could see a guy like Eric running far into the distance from that kind of situation. Also, she's older than Eric - not a problem for Eric, but might be for Elizabeth. Another minus: she likes women! Uhhh, wait; she says she'll "always treat a girl like gold," which seems awfully familiar... hey, wait a second! That's Jason's line from last week! Wow, the Post is getting sloppy! Clean up your dating columns, guys! Well, other than that, we know she doesn't like shy men (from her "unattractive" question), and she doesn't go for an aggressive approach from men she doesn't already find attractive (from the "worst date" question). I also think she's pretty. (the picture is botched, though; more on that later)

What about Jaclyn? To start, she's younger (not older) than Eric. They also share something in common - going to the gym! Do they share any other dating profile cliches?

How would you describe yourself? I'd say I'm smart, sarcastic, honest, funny, reliable and kind.

They're not shared cliches, but cliches nonetheless. Everyone would love to say most of these things about themselves. Don't tell us, show us! Other than that, she wants to travel, she wants flowers on the first date, and she wants to eat at a trendy restaurant (and NOT just a movie!). More rich tastes. At least Eric can afford it on a lawyer's salary.

Finally, we have Suzanne. It's the same story as Elizabeth - another botched picture, another girl who's older than the guy, another answer from one of last week's daters accidentally left in there (which is why they asked her about the dating scene TWICE - one of those answers belonged to Vikas from last week). Suzanne is definitely a social butterfly, based on her answers to a couple of these questions; however, we don't have much to work with here for personality and romantic insight. I can't rate her a strong pick based on the vague profile, but at least I can't rule her out either.

Note about the pictures: There's something terrible about all of them this week. They're very shadowy, and they aren't very kind to the ladies' skin tones. I consider that to be a ghastly mistake for a dating column. Jaclyn's picture came out the best of the three; Elizabeth and Suzanne, however, simply don't look right. They're all rather lovely ladies, so this is quite unfortunate. I'd sue the photographer. (Maybe that could be the second date; remember, Eric's a lawyer!)

Who do I choose? Whoever I think would look the best in Seven Jeans! That's probably Suzanne; Elizabeth had a kid so designer jeans are a risk, and Jaclyn looks a little softer than Suzanne. It's really a close call. Jaclyn's winning the voting (must be because of the botched pictures), but it's not by a large margin as the other two are definitely in the hunt. In any case, we'll find out next week who gets picked!

New York Post Dating: That's (not quite) Amore!

On our last episode of "Desperate Murdochs" (could there be any other justification for the turns this column has been taking?), Carmine Gotti - son of Victoria, grandson of John, and complete idiot - was gifted with the choice of three young misses to take on an all-expenses-paid date somewhere in Manhattan.

Don't you want to know what happened?

First, not like it mattered, but he picked Gina. She's young, rather stupid looking, and attempting (but not quite achieving) a hot look - just like her suitor. This similarity made no difference, as the date was a bomb. Hey, Tom and Mackenzie, what happened to your swagger? Can't really talk yourselves up in the opening paragraph when the first thing you have to reveal is that your boneheaded golden boy cancelled the original date, yeah? Indeed, folks, he forgot to tell everyone that he'd be on vacation in the Bahamas... and decided to let Tom, Mackenzie, and Gina know only a few hours ahead of time. What a dope! If that wasn't bad enough, he showed up late at Vento for the rescheduled date!

Let's take a break to evaluate the daters' photograph: Gina definitely looks like she takes all the perks of working at a tanning salon, because she makes Halle Berry look like Macaulay Culkin. And then there's Carmine - that idiotic smile, that ridiculous earring, the gravity-defying hair. Surely, there are no two people who could make an uglier couple. But, their tans match!

Back to the date - Carmine uses the Yankees to make mention of his grandfather, lest we forget who he is (or who he had rubbed out). They seemed to like each other, but they can't quite remember much about what they discussed. I guess that's what happens when mindless banter is the conversation of the day! Carmine, it seems, likes to do a lot of talking about himself. I'm not sure how much talking Gina did, but perhaps she made a noble attempt to keep up her end of the conversation. There's little attraction here; you can tell both daters were just trying not to say anything bad about the other one. Carmine didn't even give Gina his phone number! What a doofus.

I might note they gave each other three hearts. What's that supposed to mean? Four hearts is the top ranking - how can you give three if you don't even exchange phone numbers? Keep this in mind for the future, as I'm hoping someday we see the elusive one-heart ranking. I'm assuming that's what you get if you unexpectedly vomit on your date, or make an unwelcome, aggressive sexual move.

Anyway, onto this week's date! We've seen Pamela before, and we've seen the old cut-off-at-the-boobs portraits before, too! Pamela's got "something to grab onto" (in male parlance) for the guys who like that sort of thing. I must say, she's quite fetching with her green eyes, cute face, lovely red hair, and luscious lips. Pamela seems to be rather particular about her men - "tall, dark, and handsome;" "he has to treat me right!;" "not interested in meeting anyone who 'can't have a conversation about anything other than himself.'" She hints indirectly that she's used to dating rich guys - that might be either a lofty expectation or a personal exaggeration. Either way, she definitely has pricey tastes. I'm hopeful but cautious about her potential for a match. Who are our leading men?

Jason assures us that he's "very outgoing." Oh, and he claims he's "funny" and he looks older than he really is. And he enjoys working out. Riiiiiiight. Take all of that with a grain of salt. The only interesting thing he mentions is the hot tamale underwear. I'm not sure whether he's a sports addict or a wannabe, but athleticism sure does come up quite a few times in his profile.

I wanted to like Ryan better, but I can't. In the end, it's the same trying-too-hard, pat-myself-on-the-back crap. That, and he repeats that "I can't stand women who think and act that they are better than others" line, which didn't need repeating. His choice in music dates back 10 years ago. He likes golf. He's a cracker. Nothing exciting here. Next!

Hmmm, Vikas at first glance is definitely NOT a cracker! But here's another guy who likes "working out" (twice). He names U2 and LL Cool J as musical favorites (both peaked in 1986). In the end, he fails to mention anything endearing. What I can't figure out is if he's Americanized or ethnicized... perhaps he's been completely assimilated into mainstream American culture (which means future dates at Red Lobster), or, based on his responses, he's an ethnic Indian caricature like Kal Penn ("Harold & Kumar", "Van Wilder"). Surely the latter would be much funnier, especially in light of Vikas' "body of a god" sense of humor. Stereotyping? Me? I don't care, as I'm going to hell anyway. Why don't you join me?

Ryan seems the most normal of the three. There's something rather odd about Jason that I can't put my finger on. Vikas seems foreign-born, and I don't think Pamela matches well with that type. (a tangent: New York is very diverse, and we shold be seeing daters who are compatible with exploring new cultures. This parade of 22-year-old ditzy white girls doesn't quite fit that ideal.) The poll results are surprising early in the week: Jason's got nearly 70% of the votes, beating the other two guys by a significant margin. Whatever the choice, I have a feeling there will be no hanky-panky going on after this date!

TTFN, ta-ta for now!