New York Post Meet Market: If You Obsessively Read Meet Market For A Year, Your Dates Will Be Great, Too!

So, how the hell did my date turn out?

Once again we turn to the always hilarious, side-splitting, guffaw-inducing Jen Dziura. Seriously, she's funny. Real funny.
(have you guessed yet that I'm about to publish something that hits a little close to home? Well, that was sort of the point of this exercise anyway. Well that, and to convince my extended family that I do indeed date women, just infrequently.)

Anyway, all opinions to follow belong to Jen and not myself. You might find them funny. I didn't!

This week's Post dating roundup reads like the "What I Did Last Summer" essay I wrote in Mrs. Everhart's third-grade class, which I have taken the liberty to include for you here:

I like my grandma. She is nice. I visited her. That is in Ohio. It was hot. But fun. We ate pie.
- Jenny Dziura

One might attribute the milquetoast blandness of this column to the fact of this being the most over-documented date in the history of dating. For the date, Brian chose 28 year old editor Shevi, also my suggestion from my review last week here on the Lectern. So far, so good -- until Shevi realized, as she undoubtedly did at some point in the evening, that this was a "date" on which the Post was trying to impress Brian, all while Brian was trying to impress his readers, and that she had essentially walked into someone else's sick media clusterfuck.

The column begins:

"USUALLY, we don't get nervous before we send our couples out on a date - but this time we did. You see, Brian, last week's bachelor, writes a blog devoted to analyzing The New York Post's fabulous Meet Market column. It was like we were being rated!"

It is unclear whether the "fabulous" is the Meet Market column's own impression of itself, or whether this view has been attributed to Brian's blog via the mere existence of Brian's blog, rather than any explicit statement of fabulousness therein.

Shevi's review follows. "I got to Paris Match first. It is a small, candlelit, wood-paneled bistro with an atmosphere as flowing as the Seine."

"An atmosphere as flowing as the Seine." Can you imagine dating this girl? Dear Brian, I cannot see you anymore. Though our love has been bountiful like the Mekong in monsoon season, our future is waning like a Gibbous moon.

She continues, guardedly: "Within seconds, we started talking about Brian's blog. As dinner progressed, we talked about our jobs and aspirations, and places we'd traveled." She ends "I really enjoyed meeting Brian and sharing a summer evening of excellent conversation and food with him."

Uh-huh. This is why reality television shows contractually obligate people to get into hot tubs together.

It seems a bother to even quote Brian here, since his account of this date is clearly crafted to win the favor of the readership on this blog, and is also lacking in hot-tubbing: "Shevi is a very attractive lady, and was graceful throughout the evening.... She showed a genuine interest in my conversation points, and she spoke with confidence and clarity when I asked her questions about her background and interests.... I'd absolutely take Shevi out on a future date, romantic or casual."

These reviews contain all the personality and verve of a thank you note I'd write to an elderly relative for sending me a small appliance on my birthday.

The only sensible conclusion to draw from these mutually bland reviews is that our daters, in the face of media scrutiny, spent their date developing a strategy of calculated misinformation, hastily scribbled these reviews (each approved by the other) on wine lists stolen from Paris Match, and went home together, happy to live in a world in which "shared a cab to the West Side and then exchanged contact information" can also mean "hit it from the back all night long."

Or else these are two really, really boring people.

Your call.


I'm appalled! First, it's a family paper, they had to leave out the stuff about the agressive footsie and the body shots. Second, you totally forgot to make fun of me for looking like a 16-year-old in this week's picture. You dropped the ball on that one!

Okay, it's not true that there was any footsie or body shots. We just talked. Nothing happened afterward. And you know what? That was by design. My idea of a romantic evening doesn't include a sloppy, forced hookup in the back of a cab after dessert while there's still creme brulee smeared on our cheeks. No, I just wanted to play it cool and gentlemanly. And it worked. I liked her, she liked me, we gave each other four hearts for a total of eight hearts altogether. Why ya gotta hate?

Plus, if you haven't looked, a whopping 96.1% of voters say we should go out on another date! And no, that's not a result of my mom rigging the poll.

Shevi - nice work. Jen - bite me.

Moving back into the normal routine, this week's featured dater is Jannie, who... well, let's have Mackenzie, International Woman of Mystery*, do the description for us:

...a beautiful nursing student who enjoys photography, operatic singing, and cooking soul food.
...likes to go to lounges, spas and comedy shows - and sing in her church choir.
...describes herself as "a high-energy person that loves to laugh, love and eat."
...prefers belly dancing and vinyasa yoga to keep herself in shape.
...(thinks that) sexy is a man with tattoos, "one or two are a plus," and someone who "has an effortless beauty, with classic style and a humanitarian spirit."

In essence, she's a nice girl who is talented, pretty, and limber. She also has an edge, but it's adventurous-edgy. (not slutty-edgy) I think she's fantastic. Are any of her three male choices just as spectacular?

First, we have Igwe. He's nice. Not a lot of room for humor or criticism here. I suppose that's a good thing. He's a poet/writer; keep that in mind, because it makes him creative but it also means he makes a peanut salary unless he's a best-seller. Quotables:

What do you think of the New York dating scene? There are a lot of silly, silly girls. I don't mind, I have a good sense of humor; but it's hard to take them seriously.

Silly? Maybe. Sounds like a mild euphemism for "evil". Um, Sam, what do you think?

I'll never forgive you! How do you live with yourself?! You never loved me! You used me! I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood! Why didn't you tell me you were a demon from Hell?!!!! You deserve the men you're gonna meet, you loser! Railroad bums! Transients! Out-of work guys! Guys who're gonna use you like you used me! Guys who are gonna take money out of your purse and crawl out a window! OH! OOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Yeah, dating in New York is kinda tough for some people. But not for Igwe, which makes him a strong contender.

Next, we have Tyrone. He looks like a pretty big guy, and with a title like "Marketing Vice President", he's probably got a big bank account too. But is he as nice and polished as Igwe?

We're buying. What are you drinking? Jack and Coke is the first, second and third drink of choice.

Dating profile lesson: 90% of us in New York may love a good night on the town, but this is the last place that you want to brag about your drinking habits. This line should have been snipped at "Jack and Coke". That said, it's the only thing I can find wrong with his profile. He looks like a great guy. But I'm still leaning toward Igwe.

Finally, we have Ronald, a "retail professional". One thing I watch out for in these profiles is when someone uses an obvious euphemism for their current job titles because they don't want to say something like "cashier" or "photocopier salesman". As much as I admire the attempt to try to pretty up his job title, we can tell he's bullshitting. Bad start. And then there's this:

What do you think of the New York dating scene? I think it is at an all-time low. We are in a confused world right now. Today's woman is nowhere near the woman of yesteryear.

Sounds depressing and pessimistic. And, because all of these guys have pretty decent profiles, it comes down to the little things. Where Ronald is pessimistic, Igwe is carefree. That counts for something. So Ronald is out.

Well, it's down to Tyrone and Igwe, because they both have pretty strong profiles. You think I'm going to choose Igwe, right? Yeah, I am. All other things equal (and positive), Igwe is creative and Tyrone is business-like. Creative is more romantic.

But wait! Tyrone is leading the polls with 70% of the vote! He's got a lead of over 50 points on Igwe? How can this be? Well, for one thing, Tyrone makes good money and hangs at classy places. (I disregarded the name-dropping of all those trendy clubs, obviously the readers didn't.) The other thing might be, and just might be, that Tyrone looks like a big, thick, manly man. Igwe is tall and lanky, and looks like he wouldn't last long in a street fight. These are the sort of things that women say aren't that important, except that womens' actions show that these are the first things they look for. **shrug** Not that it matters; I simply hope for Jannie to make a good choice.

And that's all for now! I'd like to again thank Jen (of jenisfamous.com) for guest blogging and bringing the funny (just kidding about the "bite me" part); Tom and Mackenzie, International Woman of Mystery*, for their hospitality and for having a good sense of humor about this vile, vile blog; and, most of all, I'd like to thank Shevi, who was a delightful companion on our date and didn't judge me for being a juvenile blogger.

Enough sentimentality; come back soon to see who's hooking up, who's hating their dates, and who's having their restaurant cheaply advertised. More fun ahead!

* Mackenzie let me know she prefers that full title over "Mac", which she hates. I will find every excuse in the universe to use it often.