December Dating Wrapup

You, the reader, should know several things after reading this blog:
1. "Modern Love" often tries to be fresh and thoughtful, but typically leaves a bad aftertaste.
2. "Meet Market" tries to be sincere and endearing, but typically arrives as comical and embarassing.
3. Brian Van tries to be consistent, but typically doesn't update much in the month of December.

Let's try to catch up a bit. First, in the Times:

- 12/11: Lisa Baker shares an essay about her experience being a surrogate mother. It was an acceptable entry, if you don't mind the "Reader's Digest" type of Modern Love essay. Oh, and would you have guessed that Lisa's writing a book about her experience as well? That trend is getting a bit annoying.
- 12/18: Debora Spar writes about adopting a foreign child. This essay isn't a precursor to a book, but of course she's writing some kind of book (as it's mentioned at the end). This one strikes me as somewhat odd; this woman becomes obsessed with foreign orphans online (no, not these foreign orphans) and decides to cherry-pick one for herself. The essay ends on a somewhat awful note, as Debora finds herself again browsing orphans occasionally - as if she's not satisfied with what she's got. Bah. Also, she's a professor at Harvard - so if, like myself, you smelled a whiff of "overpriviledged upper-middle-class family gets to help save the world one self-absorbed task at a time", you were correct.
- 12/25: Merry Christmas! You get the heartwarming tale of Ellen Pall and her father's descent into dementia. How cheery! Oh, and this is part of Ellen's "series of essays on loss and redemption." Which means that at some point in the future, there will be something you should buy! I'm not going to be unfair to the essay itself - it was rather good - but this makes for three Readers' Digest essays in a row.

Aside from the schmaltz and woe, I also have a problem with these essays being rather unspecific about the setting while being published in a New-York-City-based newspaper. What happened to all the romance stories? Do people not find love in Manhattan or Brooklyn anymore? Heck, I'd settle for something from the Bronx at this point! Perhaps "Bullets Over My Baby", or "I Left My Heart In Mott Haven."

Onto Meet Market:

* Jackson had went with Jocy - great choice! - and the two hit it off fabulously. Jackson, it seems, has great taste in nightlife and also knows how to dance. In the end, he had no problem charming Jocy and showing her a great time. She definitely wants to see him again (and vice versa), so we have our first successful date in a while! Nice!

* The following week, Rose chose the seemingly charming Jim. And here's where I mail it in and skip a date review, because I can't get to the archived version. Whoops! I seem to remember that both daters were well-behaved and the date executed nicely, except I think Rose was just going to move on anyway. I wish the both of them luck in the future. And you can check out Jim's blog for entertainment purposes if you'd like...

* This week, Andrew went with Leora for a date at Paris Match (the place where I had my own Meet Market date... not a bad venue). Andrew starts with, "I could tell right away that she was a very decent person" - which I find is the least romantic way to describe a date! Does this get better or worse?

Leora: The problem is that most of the guys you meet are very nice but you just don't click. And that's what happened here. We had a nice evening. We got the check about 11 p.m. and both headed home - alone.

Oooh, tough break Andrew! I know you thought Leora was a hottie, but she just wasn't feeling it with you! Sad, sad. Again, winter dates suck.

For next week, I'm not too hopeful. Jennifer starts with:

she is looking for "a man that is 6 feet tall and above" ...

*grunt!* *snort!* Aside from the fact that I'm not 6 feet tall myself (one reason to take umbrage to such comments), I should add that a very small portion of the population is really that tall. Most men fall somewhere in the middle, as the bell curve would dictate. So, that said, I can't have any hope that she'll bond with any of these guys if she really sticks to that demand. Also, how tall is she? I mean, if she's 6 foot herself, I'd understand that preference... but why do I get the feeling she's one of those 4'10" midgets who make crazy declarations like that? Puh-leeze. If you think you're too good to date in your own height range, you shouldn't be dating at all.

The guys? Mitchell's been here before, and I'm going to reject him again. A bald artist with a middling profile - I don't think Jen's going to go for him. (You're a nice guy, Mitch; tune up your profile and keep hitting the scene) Michael is a handsome and brainy guy, but we don't know anything more about him from his printed profile. Aaron is back for another go-round, and he's a good guy (also probably tall enough for Jen), but is he appropriate for our date picker?

I'll go with Aaron, because his profile is a lot more effective than Mike's. Much of the voting is going to Mike, entirely because he's a pretty boy. But we already know that's how things work with Meet Market.

Happy New Year to all! I'll see you next week...

New York Post Meet Market: The Long Winter Is Not Nearly Over

My money's on a cold date with Katie and Gene next week. Speaking of cold dates, notice how things always get worse for Meet Market over the fall and winter seasons?

Truer words have never been spoken. Katie picked Gene and all but completely demeaned him on their sham date. Also, the cold snap lengthens. Laura, Tom - what the fuck? We know you can do better than this. Shit, I did better than this! And I suck at this dating thing! Surely if I can find love (errmm, to be more specific, an occasional acquaintance who I talked to all of three times after the date, but that's besides the point!), and if Celine Dion and Ian can find love, then I know you can make it work for others too!

The date between Katie and Gene is worth breaking down a bit, as there are some lessons to be learned. For one, don't miss your first date, cause that's the sort of thing Tom puts in the lede!

THIS week's date - Katie, a law student, picked Gene, a financial marketing whiz - didn't get off to a smooth start when Katie failed to show up at Butai...

Shit. This doesn't look good from here.

Gene: Katie was there when I arrived - I was probably about five minutes late, and we had a brief hello kiss. This was where the trouble started, as we both mis-timed the kiss and it all got quite awkward and embarrassing from the get-go.

Gene - although I'll excuse you from blame from this point forward, I have to say that you're a fucking klutz. Sorry. This is something you need to get right in the future. Continuing:

Gene: Unfortunately, the conversation did not go well. I felt like we spent a lot of time just feeling our way through the basics. But quite a lot of the subjects I tried to talk about turned into nothing, so that was tough.

Quick explanation: Gene, you're a working professional, she's a college student. Unless you've got your pants down and she's got the "fuck me" look on her face, you will have nothing in common. Nothing at all. And, truth be told, even if you did have some mundane common interest (mountain climbing, capoeira, cupcakes, Neil Diamond, etc.), all that counts in the end is the "fuck me" face. If you cannot ignite the flames of desire in the intended target, you are accomplishing nothing but meaningless smalltalk. That is how animal chemistry works. But hey, good luck with the smalltalk!

Now, for the juice:

Katie: Gene was quite amiable, but he wasn't really forthcoming about himself. It became obvious fairly early on that he wasn't interested in me, so I decided to simply enjoy the gratis food and drinks.

Huh?

After the meal, we left the restaurant together and walked to the subway. Once were got to Union Square, though, he insisted that he had to go to a different station, despite the fact that he was taking the 4 train and I was taking the N. At that point, I decided to go back to Butai and give the bartender, who I had been talking to earlier, my number. He was, after all, much more engaging than Gene.

Aaack! Horrible etiquette, through and through! So, guess what?

That's right, Katie is our new Queen Worst Dater Ever! Come on, you just don't pull shit like that unless there's some real justification for it. And, unless there's some new proof otherwise (and you know that's happened before), I have to say that there was no justification to carry things out this way - especially after you blew off the first date, Katie! Meanwhile, I've got a tip for the bartender...

(yeah, you know where that's going. I think my point has been made.)

Onto next week's frigid mess...

MEET Jackson, an extremety cute 24-year-old emergency-medicine research assistant.

Ummm, I beg to differ. He looks like a cartoon sheep dog to me. Unless maybe Laura took a liking to him, eh? Heh heh.

(UPDATE!!! Since the karma gods had seen that Jackson's dating profile was just a bit on the harsh side, I was given the fortune of stumbling upon a common acquaintance's Flickr account to find today's article mentioned. Apparently, lovely Jen Carlson of Daily Refill and Gothamist fame knows Jackson, and snapped a pic of today's NY Post Meet Market article for her photostream. This tipped me off to search for more photos of him in her photostream, and indeed there are more. So, in the interests of being completely fair, here's what Jackson looks like in a better photo. I'll give him handsome credit where credit's due. If you are not already completely bored of photostream-fucking, here are more photos of Mr. Jackson Hotsuff. Readers, make note that your dating picture can make or break you. Now, back to our regularly scheduled crapfest.)

Well, Laura, if you think he's cute, he'll still be on the market for a few more weeks... cause he ain't getting anywhere in Meet Market. For one thing, his profile is a mess. Moz heads and Dead heads? Tar Heels? Unprovoked swipes at L.A. and Westchester? Uh-nuh. Needs a lot of work. And another thing, this week's dating pool is a bit messy. Let's take a look:

Deepa, how would you describe yourself? I like elbowing old ladies who, even though they have been sitting for 22 hours, feel the need to push you to get off the airplane the minute it has stopped taxiing to disembark three minutes sooner. Why they can't wait three more minutes, I'll never know. If I elbowed your grandma, she deserved it.

She's joking, of course. Ummm, am I right? Well, that's half of her profile right there. Wasted on a poor joke. Hey Deepa, is this thing on? (*tap-tap!*)

Next, Lilian, a mid-twenties finance manager. A quotable:

What do you find sexy? I'd really like to meet someone that doesn't beat around the bush and gets to the point.

Hot damn! Lilian, stop by the Patriot Saloon sometime and find me! As illustrated by my prior talk of "fuck me" faces, I'm sure I'm the type of get-to-the-point guy you've been looking for! Forget Jackson the Shaggy Dog, he's not your type at all. He just wants to sit home and scarf chow mein between bong hits with his male-nurse buddies. You know what you need to do. Oh, and Lilian, you're definitely a cutie...

Finally, we have Jocy, a mid-twenties program assistant. Non-existent job, but we can look past that for the right young lady. More quotables:

What do you like doing when you're not working? Eating, drinking, dancing on bars and juggling kittens.

Oooh, a feisty one!

What's sexy to you? What do you look for in a man? It's sexy when a man is confident and secure in himself. I have to say, nice big hands are sexy, too.

(you know what they say about guys with big hands...)

What has your romantic experience been like? It has definitely been intense, and I'm looking for something light and fun.

Light and fun, eh? Sounds like my type of arrangement! Plus, Jocy's got the hot look going in the picture - hair blowing back, beautiful face, a fantastic neckline... everything we see is hot! Hey, Jocy - ummm, why don't you come to the Patriot on some other night than Lilian and we'll talk, okay? I'll even forget that you said this:

If we were to ask your best friend about what kind of man they would like to see you with, what would they say? She would probably say someone who is an American - for once.

Well, I'd probably benefit from that preference, as I've not spent more than 26 days out of 26 years outside of the U.S., but... that's so racist! Yikes! You shouldn't say things like that, especially in a blue state like New York! Not only is it really uncool, but liberals have crucified people upside down for less-misguided statements! That said, I sit on the center line, and I'll give Jocy the benefit of the doubt and say that she's just making a snippy comment because she's had a less-than-successful string of dates with guys looking for a green card. Hey, sometimes it works out with the foreign men, you know! (shout-out to Carolyn and the Vinkster! Woo woo!)

Okay, so Jackson the Shaggy Dog isn't really compatible with any of these girls. Two are potential man-eaters and the other didn't mention anything about the Grateful Dead. That said, although Deepa didn't indicate any love for long guitar jam-sessions, she is a bit of a jokester... so, considering that one likes laughs and the other might like smoking weed, we could have a match! Plus, Deepa's kinda cute, and that goes along with Jackson pretty well if you'll believe the Meet Market authors. And, although I personally give Deepa an "A" for effort with her profile and wouldn't mind spending a blind date with her, I've got way too much on my hands already with Lilian and Jocy (aka "Tuesday" and "Thursday" *hint-hint*). I choose Deepa for Jackson. Most of the crowd early in the week voted for Jocy, but it's hard not to vote for sexy Jocy and her entrancing flowing hair. And that validates everything I've said in this column.

Until next week, folks. (You know, if I decide to publish anything. You've seen what it's been like around here lately!)

New York Times Modern Love: Keeping Love In The Family (In A Manner Of Speaking)

This week's Modern Love contribution by Linda Baker makes me re-evaluate why I read this column at all. Shall I ask, "Where do I begin?" How about, "Let's end this quickly" instead.

Linda - keep in mind, this is a TRUE story - is close to her children. Actually, a little too close. WAY too close. Second paragraph:

...the thing is, I'm canoodling too, with my gangly, 65-pound, 10-year-old son.

Canoodling? Don't we see that word in another New York-based column way too often? Except when they use it, it means "kissing passionately". Ewwwwww!

Linda doesn't mean it that way, but she is admitting that she's excessively touchy-feely with her too-old-for-this-shit kids. And the excessive PDA is unsettling to her, even though she encourages it.

But wait a second... what about the readers? Once again, the universe is centered on the author of a Modern Love column such that the need to share his/her own needs and emotions trumps the good of the public. Which applies here thus: if she thinks SHE'S uncomfortable with the PDA, she obviously thinks not of the millions of sickened Times subscribers who had to bear this essay. They are all far more disgusted and unsettled than Ms. Baker, I assure you.

The essay proceeds under a plot umbrella of Ms. Baker's desire to stop this behavior for the good of the children. Again, self-importance; simply put, Ms. Baker is trying to be a good parent and instill proper behavior in her children. This may be an extreme case of deviant childhood behavior, surely. But on a higher level, is this not what ALL parents go through with their kids? Encourage decent behavior, discourage deviant behavior. Sounds like the usual thing to me!

And what does this have to do with modern love? Let's break down the combined meme of the column and how it relates to this essay:
Modern trends: obviously, this situation is not a common contemporary problem in modern society. Most parents have separation issues, but not to this extent. The author is dysfunctional.
Love and romance: Child rearing and behavioral modification have nothing to do with love! Or, from another angle: Ms. Baker isn't reflecting on a romantic relationship or the love/care aspect of the relationship with her children. The desired result is to have a loving family with children who function normally in society. She's not trying to have her children love her less; she's just trying to convince them to stop rubbing themselves against her constantly!

So, this essay is irrelevant to the theme of the column, plus it mentions disgusting facts - and, to top it all off, doesn't end with any kind of a satisfying conclusion! We just had to listen to Linda Baker bitch about being a deranged parent with deranged kids. Fucking fantastic.

Thank you, Sunday Styles! I wish I had a bird, whose cage I would line with today's section. And not just for this, but especially for that picture of Karen and Sarah. Those girls are normally cute! How could you violate their images so drastically? They look like the walking undead in Barbara Fernandez's photo. Gross. Please get new photographers in Miami, thx.

Week of 11/27: Further into the Abyss

Yeah, so on Tuesday I was supposed to have full writeups for each story. It's now Friday at 5:30 and I'm wondering where the fuck the week went.

*sigh*

First up: Modern Love. Raya Kuzyk's entry this week is a doozy. Breaking up with him via Powerpoint?!?! Dumb move. Read for the educational value.

Meet Market? Hah. Alan picked Alison, and they weren't compatible. Not much more to say there. So, maybe next week we can pick things up with some success? Don't bet too heavily on it. Katie, the lovely Columbia junior who's "sick of the college dating scene" (only halfway through it, mind you... maybe it's time she got that fake ID like all the other cool girls), has a selection of three guys who have no distinguishing charatcteristics, aren't very handsome, and seem to be kinda cheesy. Like an episode of Average Joe. Ah, young Katie, every college grad must spend a semester in Disappointment 101! But don't worry... I'm the TA, and I'll go easy on your grading!

Speaking of the Average Joes... Aaron plays games, acts aloof, and looks drunk already. Daniel is the Asian Jack Noseworthy (I've been waiting to use that joke all week! woot!) and seems to be the only person I've ever seen to recommend South Street Seaport for its dining. Gene? *yawn*

My money's on a cold date with Katie and Gene next week. Speaking of cold dates, notice how things always get worse for Meet Market over the fall and winter seasons? Maybe the Post won't take the winter off (not even as a service to journalism), but perhaps that's a hint to the rest of us that blind dates are like white: never after Labor Day! It seems even a bad date seems better in the summer, right? It's just wise not to go free range grazing until things thaw up a bit. Even so, remember that guiltless hookups are always in season.