New York Post Dating: So Cute It Hurts

Another fine week in dating land - and no, I'm not being sarcastic. For Megan chose underdog Matt, and Matt proved to be a fine choice. The picture of the daters together shows them drinking out of the same glass through two straws! How cute! It's won't be long before they're calling each other "honey" and rubbing noses together on a park bench. Lord help us.

Need proof? Says Megan:

The highlight of the date was when the photographer was taking pictures of us near a garden and my heel got caught in the dirt and I tripped and almost fell, but Matt caught me.

and:

Hopefully, on my next date I won't trip again. But if I do end up falling, having a guy like Matthew to catch me would be A-OK.

And if you're not nauseous enough already, our friend Tom signed a multi-million book deal to write a memoir recently. Not to piss in his cereal (seriously, congrats man), but where's this all this fucking money when I want to write something about my life? I don't get nearly that much to talk about myself; people usually give me a dollar just to go away.

Well, enough with the happy news. It's time to discuss next week's daters, and there's nothing happy about sending two girls home. Especially when the man of choice this week is Jason, the closer! Yes, they recycled him already in just one week's time - if you recall, he was the one I picked last week over Matt. Well, I guess he's just that good.

Our choice this week is easy. Three girls, Virnalisa, Elizabeth, and Chun. Let's see what Virnalisa says:

What three things can you not live without? Music, cell phone and travel.

Cell phone? Instant rejection.

We'll skip ahead to Chun:

What three things can you not live without? A cellphone, food and friends - if friends count as a "thing!"

I'm glad to see that friends are only two steps down the priority list from a cellphone. You know, some people put FreshDirect and Starbucks in-between those two on the list. Anyway, she's out.

Am I being dismissive too quickly? Yes. I'll tell the truth - I don't know if extra-pretty-boy Jason would be entirely compatible with Virnalisa and Chun. They're both cute girls, and they seem to have decent personalities, but I have a hunch that they're not enough like Jason to even be friends with him. Jason would likely think both are sweet girls, but it would be over after the free meal. I sense a cultural and physical attraction divide that is simply too wide to cross. And no, Jason is not too good for either of these two - as a matter of fact, Virnalisa might be the type of girl that you'd want to marry. I'm babbling now, so let's continue with the next profile...

... And we have Bree, newly widowed from her husband Rex's untimely death. No! Stop it! Her name is Elizabeth. She might look almost exactly like one of the Desperate Housewives (down to the slightly sharp-looking facial angles), but that's just a TV show! Liz is a real person. And we'll be calling her Bree from now on. Her profile suggests that she's neither a bore nor a heinous beast, so Jason should be happy. While we're here, let's take another story break:

What was your worst date ever? It's a tie - the guy with the extreme facial twitch, or the guy who took me to dinner on a "buy one meal, get one free" coupon, and then suggested we split the check.

Hey, I didn't mean to be so cheap on that date, Bree - it's just that my unemployment check got delayed in the mail that week! (Yuk yuk yuk...)

My vote's with Bree. A majority of the online voters agree. Of course, none of that matters, because The Closer makes the pick. (Desperate Housewives, The Closer - is this Dating or TV listings?)

See you next week...