New York Post Dating: If Looks Could Kill, This Would Be A Cemetery
Merrily we roll along
singing a familiar song
The New York Post is always wrong
Tom & Mackenzie must be hitting the bong...
Matt chose Lyla. Bad news, as I predicted? Well, let's see:
Matt's response was rather brief and non-observant - he mentions as much about himself in a few very short paragraphs as he does about Lyla. On the other hand, Lyla has much to say about Matt: that he's a little too hopeful for romance when there pretty much isn't any; that he's "self-important" (when the gesture that triggered that comment might have impressed others); that he drinks too much; and that he's got an ugly goatee. She clearly isn't interested. I think the phone number exchange was a gesture of mercy for our fashionably fallible foodie.
Reservations for Matt, party of one.
What about this week's daters?
Zoe is a pretty grad student who spends time "working out." I had to mention it; I didn't think it was so bad in this context, but I think specificity in athletics is better than admitting you're trying not to be fat. A simple profile mistake. Anyway, aside from providing the first reasonable answer to what I've nicknamed "The Bestiality Question" (there's something about putting yourself in the role of an animal for a matchmaking questionnaire - one of these guys is going to try to sleep with a dolphin? Ewww), her profile is run-of-the-mill, but she comes across as nice and sweet. Curiously, she requires her men know about "sports and cars." Symbolically, she wants a dominant masculine presence - so no metrosexuals! Literally taken, that's rather picky, but I assume that she's not going to quiz anyone on Chad Pennington's passing stats or the 0-60mph of a Lamborghini Gallardo.*
Let's take a look at the three handsome, charming men we've got to pick from.
Erm, I mean, let's take a look at these charming men, even if they're not quite handsome.
Scratch that. Here's the three men:
Andrew's positives are that he's an idealist, and he likes music. That's about it. Well, I'm not an idealist - and so I take issue with his admission to being absent-minded (could have left that out), the apology for being a steak-lover (that was somewhat offensive for vegetarians), ripping of shallow people and hipsters (that's MY job! besides, no place for that in a dating profile), the obvious numbers-game theory (I guess you'll just try to fuck every one of those 5 million until one says yes, right? Okay, maybe that's actually hilarious. heheheh), the weird answer to the dating experience question, and, finally, the Podbragging.
Eugene's best quality is that he would like to attend a classy event sometime. I suppose that's a counterbalance to the complete lack of class that his profile exudes. He might be a nice guy in the end, but his profile says he's a complete animal. He's probably happy about that, but he's not 23 - he's 31. When's this guy gonna settle down? He values social graces, but he also wants a girl who can sit with the guys at the poker table and burp and fart with the rest of them. Contradiction! I figure he has exquisite taste in women and uses the "classy" things to try to balance his party-animal persona; he knows he's shopping out of his league. Zoe's definitely out of his league.
Jonathan is one of those bizarre people that you might run into outside Cooper Union. All his profile statments are rather short; they tell the tale of a young poor East Village hipster who lives the punk rock lifestyle. I thought it was telling that his ideal date would be in the girl's kitchen; it means that he doesn't have food at his own place to cook, he doesn't want her to see his place, and he can't afford a restaurant date. So he's going to raid her fridge to show off his cooking skills, eh? Lame. His eyes creepily remind me of Vincent Gallo. His hair is ridiculous. Zoe will pass.
It seems like Andrew's the winner of this unfortunate masculinity contest. I can't tell if Zoe's going to like him based on his profile alone (the profile, while it could use some work, doesn't reveal any truly horrible flaws), but perhaps they can connect if there's any luck in the world. Zoe really doesn't have much of a choice anyway, does she? The public also solidly chose Andrew over the other two. And so we'll see what happens next week.
* 4.2 seconds
singing a familiar song
The New York Post is always wrong
Tom & Mackenzie must be hitting the bong...
Matt chose Lyla. Bad news, as I predicted? Well, let's see:
...we pulled out all the stops and sent them to the Lower East Side gastronomic temple, Suba... But at the end of the day (or night), well, there's only so much we can do.Well, that doesn't sound too hopeful now, does it?
Matt's response was rather brief and non-observant - he mentions as much about himself in a few very short paragraphs as he does about Lyla. On the other hand, Lyla has much to say about Matt: that he's a little too hopeful for romance when there pretty much isn't any; that he's "self-important" (when the gesture that triggered that comment might have impressed others); that he drinks too much; and that he's got an ugly goatee. She clearly isn't interested. I think the phone number exchange was a gesture of mercy for our fashionably fallible foodie.
Reservations for Matt, party of one.
What about this week's daters?
Zoe is a pretty grad student who spends time "working out." I had to mention it; I didn't think it was so bad in this context, but I think specificity in athletics is better than admitting you're trying not to be fat. A simple profile mistake. Anyway, aside from providing the first reasonable answer to what I've nicknamed "The Bestiality Question" (there's something about putting yourself in the role of an animal for a matchmaking questionnaire - one of these guys is going to try to sleep with a dolphin? Ewww), her profile is run-of-the-mill, but she comes across as nice and sweet. Curiously, she requires her men know about "sports and cars." Symbolically, she wants a dominant masculine presence - so no metrosexuals! Literally taken, that's rather picky, but I assume that she's not going to quiz anyone on Chad Pennington's passing stats or the 0-60mph of a Lamborghini Gallardo.*
Let's take a look at the three handsome, charming men we've got to pick from.
Erm, I mean, let's take a look at these charming men, even if they're not quite handsome.
Scratch that. Here's the three men:
Andrew's positives are that he's an idealist, and he likes music. That's about it. Well, I'm not an idealist - and so I take issue with his admission to being absent-minded (could have left that out), the apology for being a steak-lover (that was somewhat offensive for vegetarians), ripping of shallow people and hipsters (that's MY job! besides, no place for that in a dating profile), the obvious numbers-game theory (I guess you'll just try to fuck every one of those 5 million until one says yes, right? Okay, maybe that's actually hilarious. heheheh), the weird answer to the dating experience question, and, finally, the Podbragging.
Eugene's best quality is that he would like to attend a classy event sometime. I suppose that's a counterbalance to the complete lack of class that his profile exudes. He might be a nice guy in the end, but his profile says he's a complete animal. He's probably happy about that, but he's not 23 - he's 31. When's this guy gonna settle down? He values social graces, but he also wants a girl who can sit with the guys at the poker table and burp and fart with the rest of them. Contradiction! I figure he has exquisite taste in women and uses the "classy" things to try to balance his party-animal persona; he knows he's shopping out of his league. Zoe's definitely out of his league.
Jonathan is one of those bizarre people that you might run into outside Cooper Union. All his profile statments are rather short; they tell the tale of a young poor East Village hipster who lives the punk rock lifestyle. I thought it was telling that his ideal date would be in the girl's kitchen; it means that he doesn't have food at his own place to cook, he doesn't want her to see his place, and he can't afford a restaurant date. So he's going to raid her fridge to show off his cooking skills, eh? Lame. His eyes creepily remind me of Vincent Gallo. His hair is ridiculous. Zoe will pass.
It seems like Andrew's the winner of this unfortunate masculinity contest. I can't tell if Zoe's going to like him based on his profile alone (the profile, while it could use some work, doesn't reveal any truly horrible flaws), but perhaps they can connect if there's any luck in the world. Zoe really doesn't have much of a choice anyway, does she? The public also solidly chose Andrew over the other two. And so we'll see what happens next week.
* 4.2 seconds
posted by Brian Van at
10:08 AM
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