New York Post Dating: Another Cuba Libre? Or Maybe You Can't Wait To Be Freed From This Date?

Vikas starts us off:

I definitely thought that Kristen was much better-looking in person than she was in her photograph in the paper.

What the hell is he talking about? She was cute as hell in that photo! Oi.

Well, this week's dating columns are up. Vikas chose Kristen (as you can see), both were sent off to a Cuban restaurant (again, the owner stops by the table during the date... which doesn't usually happen unless you're Donald Trump), and each provided their writeups afterward. By the time I reach his second paragraph I am already baffled. It gets worse, after a review of much praising and happiness:

I think we both had a great time with each other and we exchanged numbers, but I don't know if we will necessarily meet up again.

Hmm, why?

Oh, I see why...

I will admit that I was slightly disturbed that as we were discussing his selection process, Vikas revealed that he didn't read any of our profile descriptions!

Huh? Why would you admit something like that? He's too weird. Also:

Vikas lives in Hoboken, and I am in Washington Heights, and I find it difficult enough to date someone who lives downtown. Jersey may be an impossible proposition.

Arrgh! Don't be hating on Jersey! You know, if you really liked him, the distance to Hoboken wouldn't be a problem. Some long-distance relationships span across countries and oceans, you know! It seems as if that's not the real issue, though. It seems this is a polite rejection, even though it's not entirely respectable to lie about a lack of attraction or romance. I wish people would be direct about such things, even though it's not entirely flattering at times.

Alternately, she looks pretty direct in that picture... Vikas is pouring her more wine, and she's saying, "No thanks!" I guess that answer covered more than just the wine.

Another thing I noticed - I could have sworn that the official rules of the game stated that participants could only be within the five boroughs of NYC... Hoboken is not a borough of New York. Fishy!

I'd say the date went well enough and no one did anything egregiously bad (save for Vikas' admission that the profiles meant nothing to him), but these two aren't compatible and we don't have a match. I told you I had a bad feeling about Vikas. Due to his complete lack of success despite Tom and Mackenzie's generosity, since I've complained about him more than enough here to qualify him for a special title, and since Queen Worst is getting kinda lonely at the bottom, I'm crowning Vikas as King Worst Dater Ever.

Onto this week:

Kat's a young publishing assistant who's social, "perky", and brainy. She likes weekend trips to the country; that sounds rather demanding considering New Yorkers' typical outdoors exposure, unless she'd be willing to accept The Hamptons as country-living.

Who do we have for her? Edward, a man who posesses looks that I cannot speak about - after all, Mamma told me if I don't have anything nice to say... I do have a few nice things to say about his profile, though. He seems to be level-headed, social, and easy-going. He might be the 1,000th guy to claim to be outgoing plus enjoy dancing (hey, did everyone else get some tip book that states you should say those types of things to women?), but I kinda like his personality and he knows how to dress. Kat claimed that looks weren't all that important, so she might be able to enjoy a date with Edward and his gigantic eyebrows. (I had to let at least one wisecrack through - trim those hedges, buddy!)

Next up, Sean's a comedian. He reminds me of another comedian, actually. Who doesn't look at a massive jaw and immediately think, "Jay Leno?" Overall, he's not that bad looking; if anything, he simply has to do something better with those sideburns. (as in chop them off)

How would you describe yourself? Liberal...

Hey, you're a winner! Everyone in New York loves a liberal! (sarcasm detector exploding. Everyone, please leave politics out of dating profiles. Thank you.) Speaking of profile mistakes, here's an example of not- answering-the-question:

What's sexy? Intelligence and beauty are really important, and a woman who has both and knows it - yet is still down to earth - and has a great sense of humor is really sexy.

Intelligence and beauty typically don't matter when the lights are off, so I don't understand this answer. The question asked, "What's sexy," yet this answer seems to go better with, "What are you looking for in a woman overall?" With the certainty of coming across as extremely vulgar, the answer to "What's sexy?" should be more along the lines of, "Tying me to the bed and licking my nutsack." (Yes, I know this is supposed to be a family paper, but no matter - 30 pages ahead of these articles, they're talking about who's doing cocaine off of Lindsay Lohan's inner thigh.) All considered, no one should be answering this question honestly, and it shouldn't be asked in the first place.

...umm, where were we? Oh, I remember now. Well, other than the above, Sean seems alright. I wouldn't fear to send Kat along with him for the night.

Finally, we have Walker, who must be sick of being called "Texas Ranger" by now. He seems to be a bit of a frat boy, and while he's not a bad pick as a guy overall (his profile is alright - it lacks real emotional substance but it's decent anyway), he doesn't seem to mesh well with Kat's agenda. He's a drinker and a partygoer, so Kat's out of luck if she's looking for a reading partner.

Believe it or not, I think Edward has the best potential to make Kat happy. He seems like a mature gentleman who knows how to have fun. Based on some of his profile answers, I think he knows how to treat a lady as well. Kat might like that sort of attention in lieu of being paired with someone who shares many of her interests (because, unfortunately, that someone doesn't exist in our dating column this week). I give him the nod over Sean just barely, and only because I see more of a man's-man hidden inside Edward than I see inside Sean. (Edward does happen to be six years older than Kat, but I'll look the other way for once.) Of course, with this being a popularity contest, and with Walker being handsome and close to Kat's age, guess who's winning the poll? Cripes! Does anyone actually READ before voting? Is everyone just like Vikas?

Eh, see ya next week.