New York Post Meet Market: A Babe, A Bore, and A Blogger

For all the people who tend not to read things that are in print: if you're going to read Meet Market any time in your life, this might be the week to do it. We're peaking, baby. Let's roll:

Leslie chose Matt, but for the love of God I don't know why. She absolutely HATED him. She holds nothing but complete disgust for him, and it's mutual too. People have been buzzing to me all weekend that this date was an absolute trainwreck. Lately I've been pretty high on Tom & Mac, but even they have to be cringing at this setup. I guess my job is to try and figure out what went wrong.

Leslie: "Matt was already at Cascina when I arrived."

Matt: "...she walked in 15 minutes late and didn't excuse herself or even ask me how long I was waiting."

Holy Cupid to hell, this is just a crappy start. I've never seen it this bad before. We continue:

Leslie: "The first thing I noticed was that he was tall; I am not sure if I thought he was good looking."

Ouch! In front of a million people! Why don't you just kick him in the nuts, Leslie?

Matt: "Before long, the photographer showed up to take our picture. Unfortunately the photographer ended up asking me more questions than Leslie did during dinner."

This is a cross between an "all about me" violation and a "boring, disinterested companion" handicap. We'll dock a point from both dater's scorecards on this one just to be fair.

Leslie: "I am a teacher, so I can't say I was thrilled when he announced he is a Bloomberg and Giuliani supporter."

I wholeheartedly support teachers and their mission, no matter who's in office. But, seriously Leslie, who gives a fuck about this crap? Leave the politics at home.

Matt: "There are two times you should never talk about religion or politics; when you're getting a haircut and when you're on a date. But I didn't care, so I decided to ride the sinking ship and brought up Bloomberg. Remember how I thought she was too shy? Well I couldn't be more wrong, because she went on a tirade about how much she disliked the mayor (sorry, Mike!). "

Wait, Leslie, I take that back. He was taunting you. I'm seeing Red Ryan getting displaced here with every passing second.

Leslie: "We did talk about what sort of books we read. He is into some detective fiction writer and my favorite book is, "A Good Man is Hard to Find," so I don't think I will be looking for his recommendations."

This is just cold. Did she feel a need to get snitty about his reading list? It gets better/worse:

Leslie: "He lives on the Upper East Side and has some non-specific corporate job. I can't imagine spending so much of my day doing something boring like that."

Neither can I, but leave the poor guy alone! It's his life! No one's ragged on you for being a teacher, after all. (Note: I double-checked Matt's profile just to make sure he didn't. With these two, never assume anything good.)

Leslie: "We did not give each other any way to contact each other at the end of the date. We said a friendly "See you later", but it was a "not really" one, as well."

Matt: "After a long, uncomfortable walk, we arrived at the station and she finally made a polite gesture by saying she had a great time. I said the same, but the truly great time for me was joining my friends 20 minutes later."

Hahaha! A mutual "See you in hell, asshole!" I'm relieved the date didn't take place at a firing range! Like I've said in the past, that would be the low point in the Meet Market column: dater death.

Anyway, let's commemorate this ugly occasion with a coronation: Matt and Leslie are our new King and Queen Worst Daters! And to celebrate, they'll be leading the homecoming parade in beautiful Carteret, New Jersey this year! Details to come!

Moving on... next week's dater is... uh oh.


Well, I can't write about myself now, can I? Time to introduce our guest blogger for the week, a former Meet Market contestant, the lovely and talented Jen Dziura!
(Note: all opinions to follow are that of the guest blogger, not publisher! But they're still funny!)

This week's Meet Market headline blares "Blogger Brian sks Web Woman." Oh, those clever Post reporters. Is "sks" some kind of trendy lingo from the world wide supernet WiFi highway? Or did the reporter text-message this article in?

And wherever does one find a good "web woman" these days? (Oh, Charlotte, my web woman, spin me a web of the finest spider silk so that I won't be eaten after the county fair. Quoth the web: "Some Dater!")

This half of today's Meet Market review is being brought to you by me instead of Brian, because this week's dater is, of course, Brian himself. "Brian analyzes the Meet Market on his site!" says the caption beneath the photo in which Brian is packed into a suit, twisting his body oh-so-carefully (hips at nine-o-clock, head at twelve-o-clock, try to make palms stop sweating!)
(Ed. note: holy shit, was I a bundle of nerves for that shoot. More on that later. Continuing...)

You can see that the Post is trying to make the best of it. Any PR is good PR, we've heard, but does he have to make fun of our grammar so much? Maybe if we get him laid....

Brian describes himself as "generous, thoughful and romantic." He likes "cycling, jogging and swimming." He cannot live without "breakfast, lunch and dinner." He wants someone who is "confident, fairly intelligent and adventurous." He only likes things that come in threes! How will he ever choose but one woman? He also "volunteers with several organizations." Several, Brian? Did you mean three?

Wait a minute. Let's jump back to "fairly intelligent." Fairly? Fairly intelligent? As in, not too smart, please? I might excuse Brian on the grounds that he didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable by setting the bar too high, but he didn't say he wanted someone "fairly confident" or "fairly adventurous." No, no, you must be fully confident about being only "fairly" intelligent. And fully willing to jump from airplanes, apparently, unless "adventurous" is guy-lingo for "bondage sex on the first date." It's hard to tell these days.

On Brian's worst-ever first date, he was dragged into Duane Reade, where his date tried to get him to buy her $40 worth of cosmetics, toiletries, and food.

Brian, that's what you get for picking up homeless teenage runaways on St. Mark's Place.

And now, the three lovely ladies who might have the privilege of paying for their "free" date by being mocked mercilessly here at the Lectern.

Anna, 28, cannot live without her "passport, suitcase, and running shoes." Could be a short date. In any case, she sounds well-prepared to skip town if she finds her underwear choices being dissected on this blog.

Shevi, 28, cannot live without her pen, lip gloss, and email. It seems like if you only get three things, the pen and the email are a bit redundant. Like if your fairy godmother gave you three wishes and you wished for world peace, to be sooo pretty, and an end to war. You just wasted a wish! You could be wiping your ass with $100 bills right now. Anyway, Shevi appears to be the hottest of the bunch.

Amanda, 23, is unemployed. It's too bad that the Meet Market stylebook says to list contestants by their professions, while hiding their more whimsical and personal qualities in the smaller text below. We don't get "Amanda, fun at the beach," or "Amanda, makes a great hummus sandwich," or "Amanda, fairy princess." We get Amanda, Currently job-searching." Poor girl. That being said, if you're unemployed, you don't need to use the phrase "laid-back" three times in a 200 word profile. You don't have a job. We get it!

Shevi (body at nine-o-clock, tilt head towards eleven-thirty!) seems to be the clear winner here. She describes herself as an "artistic, sensitive, thoughtful person" who likes to try new things, enjoys her family, likes spending time with people who enjoy time alone, and a bunch of other really mature stuff that would be boring if she weren't also hot. Plus, lip gloss and mojitos!

Of course, Shevi may well be more than "fairly intelligent," so I don't know where that would leave us.

Check back in here at The Lectern for 'round-the-clock updates on this disaster in the making.

Signing out,
Jennifer Dziura

(Thanks, Jen! And, since the Post shamelessly plugs restaurants in their dating column, we'll do some self-promotion in ours! Check out Jen this Saturday when she performs at the HBO Comedy Showcase at the New York Improv Comedy Club. More details are here! )

Hey, I said "fairly intelligent" because I thought "Mensa-certified" would be reaching. Besides, I keep catching myself saying "Houston St." like the city in Texas, so I have no place in the world to be demanding intelligence! Anyway, check back next week to find out who I chose and how the date went. Watch me burp and eat with my fingers! See the Post sweat out a four-figure meal bill! Laugh as I lose a month's rent to Duane Reade once again! It'll be fantastic! Until next week...