Thursday, February 09, 2006

The Lectern is Dead! Long Live the Lectern!

That's it, folks! I'm pulling the plug! This blog is FINISHED! The concept is stale, and the material is slowly becoming unremarkable. Although I'll still read both columns with enthusiasm (although I can't say that feeling persists through the end of my readings), I won't be doing weekly recaps anymore. I quit in frustration. Besides, I have better things to do with my week than talk about this stuff.

(of course, the original gag was that I aimed to find people who didn't have anything better to do than to obsess about these columns. And I've had many a hearty laugh both at the readers', authors', and participants' expense in the ensuing months. Heck, I even got to laugh at myself for a bit.)

Your last guaranteed full weekly recaps:

Modern Love
tells the tale this week of a girl with a shifty-handed boyfriend. He hoards, he steals, he misplaces things. An occasion for a Sartre quote if I've ever seen one. Heather Fenby uses this opportunity to graduate from the Villager, where her writings seem to frequently appear (thanks, Google!). If you want to learn more about her, find her blog at http://texting.blogspot.com/. (again, thanks Google!) Fair warning, it's hardly readable due to color issues. Black text on a dark gray background? Honey, wearing all dark colors only works for clothing. Web fashion faux pas!

Note I didn't have much to say about the Modern Love essay itself. The column is slowly sinking into the quicksands of reader ennui. Right now, anyone who starts a Metropolitan Diary blog has an easier assignment than this. Personally, I'd rather start an Ethicist blog or a Manohla Dargis blog if I were to start anew. Someone's already doing a Bruni blog, Choire and Tom have the Kuczynski beat, Gawker's got Stanley and El Ocho covered, and Maureen Dowd has peaked in her literary popularity (Vegas pulled the odds on Dowd's overactive libido, so no guesses on how much longer that persists). Surely the writing and the authors' backstories in the Times are as colorful as the city itself, but Modern Love no longer fits the trend. And, besides, most of its glory moments are when it caused more controversy than entertainment - therefore making the backstory the entertainment, and the column itself meta-entertainment. (which is exactly why I saw this fit to blog about - my Technorati referrals soared after I started writing about Modern Love, and to this date they are still strong.) Now that they're not running anything that's truly fucked up, I have nothing to say about it anymore. Done. Finis. So over.

Let's beat up on our other favorite whipping-boy now: Meet Market! And, oh do they deserve a spanking this week! Lindsay was a terror of a date - how could you deem her fit for a set-up? She hovered close to Queen Worst territory - alternately skewering and praising Joshie (who performed admirably - too bad he hung himself out to dry in the recaps by being the only participant interested in romance). My oh my, what a terribly big-mouthed, classless girl we have on our hands here! Let's display:
When Joshie got to the restaurant, he walked straight up to the table and pulled me in for an all-too-close hug - I was expecting the casual "Nice to meet you" handshake.

I gave him the once over, and immediately noticed one physical "no-no" for me - too short!

I called over the waitress for a glass of wine. Joshie wanted the bottle, which told me he seemed a bit nervous.

He told me about... his love for his favorite food - "meat and potatoes." I'm your typical sushi kind of girl so we hit a sour note with ordering. He wanted the Vertigo burger, which I have heard rave reviews about, but nevertheless, I haven't eaten red meat in five years!

He suggested that we order a lot of different dishes, but sadly followed that with "Well, we're not paying the bill!" That wasn't very romantic.

As he talked about his former partners, I made a mental note of three of Joshie's attributes - good hair (no baldness), good jokes (no pity laughs) and, reassuringly, he smelled like he took the time to take a decent shower.

Lastly, and possibly most importantly, I need to be able to wear heels with any guy I date without feeling like he should be wearing a leash.

Rarely does someone bury themselves this completely in a matchmaking column. All of her rejection criteria focus on superficial needs; she has little restraint from embarassing a gracious date in a widely-read newspaper column; and the girl is obviously spoiled. Perhaps she's the one who should be on a leash.

(Just because I'm bored with writing this blog doesn't mean I've lost my mean streak. Not one bit.)

Next week's date is Becky, a mid-20's art-production coordinator. She admits that she's a dork. Lucky for her, she's got a bunch of dorky-looking guys to choose from. Carlos looks like her best match; he's cool, sophisticated, motivated, confident, and smart. Perhaps she can turn on some of his Latino heat. The other two guys really just cannot compete; Glenn's a bit on the young side to be dating a girl around Becky's range, and Greg needs to grow a set of balls (and lose the earring, Captain Lou Albano).

I'll be reading what happens next week, but someone else will have to blog about it. I won't be! Guest authors are more than welcome if they're sufficiently motivated; email me at my Gmail account (user brianvan, natch) with your submission and I'll post it here. Otherwise, signing off!

-bv

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Week of 01/29/06 - Only The Air Is Warm

Quick reviews:

Modern Love does its Readers' Digest impersonation again, selecting a beautiful essay about families, life, and death that fails to provide any real insight into contemporary trends. The essay would have worked better for the "Lives" column in the magazine (and I do insist that this column tends to pickup the "runoff" from that column at times). Anne Marie Feld's work is definitely a recommended read, but my only issue with it is that it's unfocused by way of severe editing - it looks like this might have been a book cut down to two pages. Oh, wait, look at the end... it is a book! (*rolls eyes*)

In Meet Market, Sonia chose Rob, they indeed were two nice (if not quite young and goregeous) people on their date, and nothing quite happened there. I would continue to blame the winter blues, but you know what? It's been 55 degrees outside. No excuse! You Meet Market authors better step things up... you've totally lost your edge. Don't make me start buying the Daily News!

This week's chooser is Lindsay's breasts. Lindsay herself is a very young girl with very high expectations... boys, now's the time to make that pumpkin a carriage if you can at all manage (in other words, don't be taking the subway on your date - spring for the town car). But attached to Lindsay are big, round, beautiful breasts. Simply stunning. I looked at that picture 5 or 6 times and I still don't remember Lindsay's hair color.

Who's got a shot at winning this week? Murty is an outside chance - or, more like a match made in hell. Both would be miserable on a date, I assure you. Next is Joshie - Joshie! Wow, his common name is cutesy! That's gotta get laughs down at the DMV! Anyway, he looks like Elvis (more than he looks like Patrick Dempsey, as his profile would suggest) and he might make the grade for Lindsay's breasts... if he has money, that is. (Which I think he does not.) Finally we have just plain Josh, who looks somewhat acceptable for the purpose of taking Lindsay's breasts out on a date. I would tentatively choose Joshie over Josh, but that's no dig against Josh, and I admit the pick could go either way. That said, with all the participants being so young and possibly misguided (I'm biting my tongue here a bit... I think some of these participants are clearly unsuitable to date anybody), there's only a very slim chance of lasting romance. Enjoy the free meal on Rupert's tab, though!